Long story short, ex had affair, very unpleasant ever since, angry, wants his own way, is self employed and pays no maintenance, introduces new partners to our children very quickly, tells them to keep secrets from me, has disappeared from their lives for 18 months, dragged me through court for residence, you get the idea. Over the years, I have learnt to ignore him and not rise to the provocation and just generally get on with it. This works well.
Something told me my 13 year old was unhappy so I probed a bit.
A) Girlfriend who has never met me or been near my house called them all ‘dirty’ ‘because of the way you live with your mother’. I should say all my children are dyslexic and dyspraxia and therefore untidiness is part of the package. We live in quiet chaos but we are not dirty by anyone’s standards. They are helpful and do chores at my house. I close the door on messy bedrooms!
B) This year my children wanted to buy their own Xmas presents and used their own money to do so. The consequence was we all got chocolate and cheap chocolate at that. Ex went mad, apparently. Told them it wasn’t good enough and if it happened again, they wouldn’t get any presents from him ever again. I should point out that I have never missed a birthday/Father’s Day or Xmas before and that this year, he didn’t bother with my birthday. I still sent presents for his birthday but got no thank you and for my Xmas, he sent one toblerone (we have 3 children) for me. It’s not like he sent me gold and diamonds and I got the same presents as him! He also gives me no money and gives them no pocket money so what can he expect?!
C) Eldest has been told to get the passports so they can go to a country where he has bought property. The property relates to his work (not a house) and is free for all to see on his website. He told them to keep the property secret from me. Eldest doesn’t understand why he has been tasked with this and is obviously concerned as to what it means.
D) Girlfriend ‘doesn’t seem to like us very much’. Examples given include her making her child pancakes for breakfast but not them. Making her child drinks but not them, that kind of thing. My ex has been varied in his response to this - has told her to include them and has ignored it.
E) Girlfriend is apparently unwell to the point of having had a brain scan. My children not been made aware of the results. They are obviously worried and just want to know what is going on.
I feel like I need to say/do something but am concerned in sticking up for them, I will make the situation at dad’s house even worse. I have reassured and told him to try and be tidy and that obviously if she is unwell, she is probably worried. I have also pointed out they drive me insane and I love them very much and that it’s hard to be a step parent. They like her generally (there have been some terrible girlfriends, however, so I’m not sure the bar is set particularly high!).
I will get a solicitor to send a letter to remind him that he needs my permission to take them out of the country and that if we have sight of return tickets, we will of course release passports. Other than that, Aibu to ask what to tackle and what to leave alone?