Husband wasting money- possible addiction again? More of WWYD?

[Stupidwife]

More of a what would you do.. posting here for traffic. Hope that's ok?

First time posting so please be gentle with me. I will try not to drip feed.

My husband I have been together for 10 years now. I have a teenage son from a pervious relationship and we have a toddler daughter together.

I always knew my husband liked to gamble a little and didn't see an issue with this until I learnt the full extent of it 3-4 years ago after he had gambled away £3,000 in savings and leaving us (him) in £10,000 worth of debt. He had started getting payday loans without my knowledge. It ended up being over 100 payday loans in one year before he finally got an IVA to sort the issue out. I was completely unaware of this until I opened a letter of his by mistake. God I sound and feel so stupid writing this! He doesn't have any family, literally just me and my family. My mum talked me around to giving the marriage another go on this basis. He handed over all finances to me, bank cards the lot. Deleted all gambling apps etc. I would give him cash as when required. Was horrible having to treat him like a child. He never got professional help but this worked well. I gave him his bank card back after 8 months on the understanding that I would do random checks of his internet banking.

Over the course of our relationship we had three miscarriages and fertility issues, so when I found out I was pregnant with my daughter I had to continue the pregnancy without a second thought. The last IVA payment was a month after she was born and I haven't felt the need to check his account for the last year.

Fast forward to tonight.. I have just found out after sorting through accounts to budget for a holiday that he had spent £315 on bloody in app purchases of an iPhone game over the course of around 7/8months. I'm to angry to talk to him about it right and need an outsiders thoughts.

We both work, I'm part time (well 28 hours) I get that its his money, but that's nearly two months car payments or a years worth of nappies or a months worth of food shopping!

It's the fact that he's been secretive about it. I can't believe he could be so stupid again.

No professional help. I did ask him to seek help but because it was managing the way we worked he never followed it up and I didn't either.

We aren't well off but thankfully not struggling either.

From what I have seen, it's been smaller payments up until a couple of weeks so I'm really hoping that I have caught it in time before it escalates further.

I did tell him the last time, that if he done it again, I would take the kids and leave. I wasn't prepared to go through this again but he doesn't see it the same as gambling.

My pervious relationship ended with me being left holding the baby with a shit load of debt to my name, which I'm still paying off now. I don't want to end up in the same situation again but with two children.

Mat leave- though actually sounds like you may be back?

@IsaSchmisa I have been back to work just over a year now. I work part time (28 hours) but before our daughter I was full time. The way we worked our bills etc was working well. I received a wage increase this year but by the looks of it, it was a lot more than I first thought

So he's staying with friends of ours tonight. The wife has been Avery supportive friend and totally gets why I have asked him to leave. I haven't heard anything from him which I expected as he's not the type communicate first which I find very frustrating. I did send him a text message saying I had nothing else to say and that the rest is up to him.. no reply 😬

It's been a long day, currently lying in bed, wide awake again and I'm completely exhausted.

how are you doing?

Sorry for the late update, the last week has been tough.

My husband is leaving the family home next Friday. That's when we both get paid and we can't afford to do it any sooner.

He went to stay with some friends for three nights last week before coming home. During this time, we had no contact that was initiated by him. I ended up telling him to come home because it wasn't fair on our friends when it was meant to be just one night. It seems like it was just a place for him to bury his head in the sand.

We spoke when he came home and he agreed that he needed professional help. I told him that he should definitely try it even just go once or twice and if it wasn't for him at least he had tried. I asked him when he would look into it and he said on his day off which was Monday and Tuesday just gone.

Fast forward to last night, I asked him about the counselling he said he would look into. He had apparently looked into it Monday and Tuesday but wasn't sure which to go with/ who would be best etc. I asked him to prove this, he had apparently deleted his search history. This isn't uncommon as it's out of habit but I'm not sure if I believe him or not. Why didn't he just tell me when he had looked.. his response.. I didn't think.

Tuesday afternoon, I had to pop into our GP Surgey, no prebookable appointments were available. I asked him if hasn't sure why not just call for an appointment. His response, because I couldn't get an appointment.. he's using my experience as an excuse. If he had called first thing on either days, he would have got a same day appointment.

I just feel like he doesn't want to make the effort to fix his mess if I'm not the one doing all the ground work. I thought kicking him out to a friends house would have given him a shock but it clearly hasn't.

I asked him to leave last night and said he had until next Friday. I got the usual "I'm trying to be better" "I love you" and "I can't help being rubbish at talking" but it's just not enough anymore. I made him sleep on the sofa and we have barely spoken this morning before I left for work.

I don't know what else to do.

I hope all that makes sense, very quickly written as I'm at work. It was a lot longer than intended.

I don't think you had any choice, unfortunately. You can't live like that, never knowing what he's doing to mess you up financially. It's too stressful and very unfair on you and the children.

It's more the lack of communication that I'm struggling with more. I can't force someone to open up to me. We have been together for almost 10 years (in March) I feel like I don't him at all anymore

Sorry was meant to know it feels like I don't know him anymore

My ex used to do that, just wait it out until I’d calmed down and then carry on being a cock doing what he wants in his own sweet way. No talking, no promises or anything and it worked because people don’t like feeling cross for a long time.

He still does it now and last I heard his girlfriend is trying to get rid of him but having the same issue I had with the boomerang bastard and his nerves of steel.

They don’t change OP. This is going to keep happening. You may have found you’ve calmed down enough to let him stay just like you calmed down enough to tell him to come back because it wasn’t fair on the friends.

I don't think I will be changing my mind this time. I have never told him to actively find somewhere else to live like now.

He's just admitted that he never even had a proper look

So you have your nerves ready when Friday comes and he hasn’t sorted somewhere else to stay? Possibly going back to the friends because he knows you might call him back?

Cover all your bases so he’s not pitifully knocking at the door at 11pm asking to stay the night.

@gamerchick I'm past caring now. I done a very quick search on renting rooms locally and there are literally hundreds within 10miles so he can't use this as an excuse. I doubt he will go back to friends, but it's not my problem anyway.