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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Where the hell does she start?

19 replies

MovedByFanciesThatAreCurled · 01/01/2018 22:17

First of all - apologies - I've put this in AIBU for traffic as Relationships is very quiet. Am wondering if anyone can help?
My friend's 'DH' up and left just before Christmas. Can't go in to too much detail as obviously it's not my story to tell - but I would like to help her and am a regular on here and AIBU.
So - just wondering - where the hell does she start and how can she make sure that she is not completely done over? Can anyone on her link me to any relevant threads/pages etc that might give her some idea as to how to get her 'ducks in a row' (Is this the phrase? Or is it ducks in order?!!!)

OP posts:

Original poster

MovedByFanciesThatAreCurled · 01/01/2018 22:46

Anyone?

OP posts:

BoneyBackJefferson · 01/01/2018 22:51

Find bank statements, pay slips etc. any investment details.

and go see a solicitor asap

HarryDresdensLeatherDuster · 01/01/2018 22:52

Chat might be a better bet than here

Original poster

MovedByFanciesThatAreCurled · 01/01/2018 22:52

Thank you! She is on with the solicitor so that's one thing.

OP posts:

Weezol · 01/01/2018 22:56

As she's got a solicitor, I would suggest that she needs to get the locks changed asap. He has left, he doesn't get to come and go as he pleases.
This will help protect any assets in the house until things are resolved legally.

Birdsgottafly · 01/01/2018 23:15

Having has relatives and friends in this position, the most important thing is for her to not expect him to be decent or fair. My SIL was properly done over by her ex securing a loan against property they owned whilst in the process of separating, legally. She was also left paying off a tax bill because he didn't work (on paper) after their split.

My DD lost he expensive couch and bed because although she paid for it, the credit was in her MILs name.

She should start to think about how any assets are going to be split and what is whose. As tough as it is, she may need to buy him out of stuff.

Anything that is really important to her, such as jewelry, should be put in someone else's, in case he comes back when she isn't in.

ALunerExplorer · 01/01/2018 23:17

Good: priority one is legal advise. Always. A friend of mine is going through it - 3 kids, and he upped and left her for one of her friends who is also one of the children's godmother.

Sending your friend lots of good thoughts.

Trashboat · 01/01/2018 23:29

Had a friend in this position. Left my friend and their 2 kids a few days before Christmas.

He partied the whole of Christmas, probably shagged about, then came crawling back in the new year. He was so sorry. He'd made a mistake. please forgive him etc.

Because of the kids, she took him back. And guess what? A few months down the line, he did exactly the same again.

Just tell her to expect something like this to happen and to be strong.

TestingTestingWonTooFree · 01/01/2018 23:32

Start finding out value of any pensions and how much is left on the mortgage (if applicable). These things take time to come through.

Think about priorities for money/assets/care of children/Pets.

Bumbelinadance · 01/01/2018 23:34

She needs to make it very nicely clear to him
Plain and simple .... Through her actions
" if you want to go honey then go with my blessing , but if you think you are taking anything with you then that will not be happening "

Solicitor
Locks
Transfer car , jewellery anything she owns into her name .
Empty joint bank accounts now . Tomorrow morning is good .
Communicate child access only by email
Financial arrangements done through solicitor

It's great you are being so supportive
Sending her lots of good thoughts .

Bumbelinadance · 01/01/2018 23:37

Sorry
I meant to say anything she owns into another persons name
Mum , sister , brother anybody

She needs to remain in former matrimonial home with dc

Snugglepumpkin · 01/01/2018 23:42

Check whose name things like utility bills are in, anything that is a joint account/liability etc..., whose name is on the car/insurance etc... basically anything that costs.
If they are her name only, she will be responsible for the whole bill.
If they are his name only, she may have to change them but make sure he clears them first or she'll be saddled with any debt.
If e.g. the phone is in his name, she may not actually be able to deal with the account & may need to open a new one with whichever company.

Update council tax - if only one over 18 in a household you get a 25% discount but they won't backdate it.
Make sure she hasn't got e.g. his car insurance renewal coming up on her credit card or similar - or a joint insurance policy that will need changing.

Change passwords if he knows them on sites like e.g. Amazon where they generally store your details & you can have things delivered to another address.
Same goes for things like email logins/facebook etc... sort of places where he could gain access to private info or conversations.

Update emergency next of kin contact details, will etc...

Better safe than sorry.

But mostly, be her friend & don't get pissed off that she doesn't get over it by next week.

AnnieAnoniMouse · 01/01/2018 23:53

That’s all good advice to pass on to her.

Things you can do - just be there for her.

Don’t expect her to be ‘over it’ & ‘moving on’ for a long time. Give her open opportunities to talk about it, it’s hard when you feel everyone’s fed up of hearing about it or being a shoulder to cry on.

Do things like invite her & the kids for dinner or suggest a takeaway at hers. Have her kids over to play or for a sleep over if you can, it’s hard to get things sorted when they’re there.

Warn her he will most likely have someone else, who may or may not want a relationship with him now. If he comes crawling back, tell him to fuck off. It’s NOT ‘fixabke’ No matter what bullshit he spouts 😢

Then, be there for her again when she thinks she is ‘over him’ and dates some twat who spots her vulnerability & hurts her.

You can make all the difference. Honestly. 💐

scrabbler3 · 01/01/2018 23:56

Is it legally possible to change the locks? I'd be wary of doing that without advice. Likewise, transferring assets to family members could be problematic. She should talk to a solicitor once she's armed with the financial info.

WelshMoth · 01/01/2018 23:59

Passports and birth certificates.

Craftylittlething · 02/01/2018 00:14

I have a friend who’s partner left just before Christmas, following with interest.

HelpTheTigers · 02/01/2018 00:15

I'm not sure what the current legalities are with this, but make sure that any maintenance payments are to be index-linked. A friend didn't ensure that this was going to happen and did not reapply annually for an increase. As a result, the payment amount remained the same throughout the years and of course was worth so much less after a few years of inflation without a matching increase. Like I explained though, I'm not sure how this works currently.
Another friend failed to have her name removed from various bills and credit cards, resulting in massive debts that she had to pay. Her DH was a particularly evil bastard but hadn't seemed so until he left. Best of luck to your friend.

Original poster

MovedByFanciesThatAreCurled · 02/01/2018 00:18

Thanks for all the brilliant advice - I really appreciate it. Craftylittlething - I started to think that perhaps we know the same person but I hate to say it I think Christmas time is a busy time for people walking out on their other halves!!!

OP posts:

Viviennemary · 02/01/2018 00:48

There was another thread similar with people advising changing locks and raiding bank accounts and transferring assets. Not a good idea because of legal implications as a number of posters pointed out. An appointment with Citizens Advice might be a start as to the practicalities of what to do next.

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