To ask people to call me by my name

[whaaaaaaaaat]

About 2 years ago I changed my name. I specifically changed it to something not too different (perhaps this is where my problem is...) to help make it easier for others to get used to; e.g. from Tom to Tommy, Gertrude to Gertie... you get the idea. I have always hated my birth name and finally decided I ought to do something about it!

I have always felt that if someone asks you to call them something, you should try and do so. Am I BU to ask that people will at least TRY to use my new name? (Not that it's very new anymore!)

Some do try to, and some have only known me by my new one which is usually fine (although inexplicably some of these people will use my original one which is NOT MY NAME and they've never heard it, so WHY?!...) but the list of people who have actually refused to or simply don't try include mum-in-law and sister-in-law, my parents (I kind of understand this but it's still frustrating), and all but one of my siblings. The one who does use my new name used to use it as a nickname when we were younger anyway, so I think that's the only reason.

My parents, MIL and SIL all said "oh, I couldn't do that" when I originally told them I'd like them to use my new name...

I haven't changed it by deed poll yet but I hardly think that'll make a difference, since none of these people know whether I have done or not!!

They’re rude. I’d remind them every single time. Hopefully they’ll find it tedious and stop.

Well it's all a bit attention seeking isn't it?

There's nothing you can do to enforce it

You don't need to do deed poll at all, your name change is still legal.

Statutory declaration is cheaper than deed poll and legally binding FYI

My DM did this when she got divorced-she wanted to reinvent herself.
She changed to something completely different.
Her full name not her real one lets say was Alexandra Marianne. The name she was called her whole life was Mary (nn from Marianne)
She announced one day that from that day forward she would only answer to Alex. No more Auntie Mary to my cousins. No Mary to friends or parents. She never did anything legally because it was still her name. It sort of bothered me as a child but I must say she did it.
Now many many years later it seems weird to think of her as Mary...so maybe as you say your mistake was making it too close? Ppl try and sneak old name in?

I hate that people shorten my name, especially people I've just met and told my name to - like 'Hi, I'm Susie', 'Oh hi Sue'. No, it's Susie, ffs! Happens on the phone when I ring family, ' hi, it's Susie' ' hello Sue, how are you?' Pissed off you can't get my name right!

Mine is the same as @Cakeisbest, people shorten my name without asking if I'm ok with it and I just keep correcting them. It's only new people now that I have to correct a few times :)

So keep on at it, your name is your name, other people don't get to decide that for you.

Well it's all a bit attention seeking isn't it?

Unless there's a really good reason, it is a little odd to expect people to change what they call you. I'm thinking DV or abuse reasons.

It’s a bit weird that you changed it! And if it’s very similar, what was the point??

Just start calling them by a different name until they can respect you enough to call you by your new name.

Not sure how changing your name is attention seeking. I think life's too short and you should do what makes you happy.

No, I don’t think yabu.

I have a relative who started using her middle name when she was 18 as she hated her name. Although among family she still calls herself by her first name, which is actually quite confusing as her husband, who met her after she changed it, obviously calls her by her middle name all the time. I end up writing both names now as don’t want to use the wrong one!

Anyway, I think they should respect your wishes. If you kept chopping and changing it, then maybe they’d find it hard to remember, but you’ve only changed it once, so I don’t see why they can’t get the hang of it.

There's a particular shortening of my name that I loathe. I'll ask people not to use it and keep reinforcing for say, two or three days/visits.

Then, if they're simply trying to get my attention, I'll ignore them until they get my name right.

I have only very rarely had to resort to ignoring, maybe three times in 25 years. Is there a bigger issue behind their stubborn behaviour?

I know someone who did this!

Is it something like Gay to Gaynor?

I understand that it is frustrating for you becase you changed your name as you don't like your birth name. Your SiL and MiL are rude not to respect this. I suspect that your SiL will think she can still use your 'old' name because her mum does.

I think you may have to accept your parents and sibling using your old name- your parents chose it and your sibling has always known you as this.

However, next time your SiL/MiL uses your old name, I would tell them how much it upsets you and you don't want to be known as that anymore.

It is very difficult when you have known someone a long time to suddenly start calling then by a different name

All you can do is keep correcting people but you may be fighting a losing battle

Names are important to our feeling of self.
Keep firmly reiterating the name you want to be called by. If they protest,ask them how they'd feel if you arbitrarily decided to ignore their preferred name and for instance call MIL "Mater " !! and SIL "Sissie" ! That will larn 'em.

My dh changed his name as an adult as his original name was ludicrous and was holding him back in his career. His parents and siblings still use his birth name but everyone else transitioned quite easily.

You choose what you are to be called as. It's not complicated.

Since the age of 12, I have been called a shortened version of my name (think Ellie rather than Eleanor). My new SIL thought it would be good to insist on calling me full name, despite me correcting/requesting her not too. She used to reply 'but that's your name!'

Bloody rude and very disrespectful.

I put up with it for a year and we are now nc.

" Is there a bigger issue behind their stubborn behaviour? " – I think their family is quite selfish, and don't consider how someone else might be feeling until much later or not at all, long after they've said the hurtful thing. DH is exactly the same. In fact, I forgot to mention, he is one of those who won't actually change. He says he forgets. He even writes my name wrong in cards, to the point where I won't let him write any any more. Not that he ever did unless I asked him to. Thankfully he doesn't really use my name except when talking to others, but that's almost more annoying as he's positively reinforcing the incorrect name!! FiL manages just fine, but him and MIL are divorced and we hardly see him, so maybe it's easier?

@ rainbowduck Yeah, that's kind of what I was getting at. I used to wince telling people my name when growing up, even though it's not considered an 'ugly' name. I just hated it. I only wish I'd changed it sooner!

I did something similar - in my case, I adopted the shortened version of my name as my everyday name, having always been known by the full version - my parents hated shortened names.

At the age of 25, I left nursing and went to university, and decided that changing my name would be a good way to mark such a big change in my life - so like you, there are people who have only ever known me by the 'new' name, and those who knew me before, who know me as the full version.

This Christmas, I actually asked my sister and her husband if they could call me by the shortened name, as this was my preference, and they looked horrified, and refused point blank. I found this very rude - what I am called should be my choice, and I felt my choice had been disrespected.