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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To go NC instead of trying to help? Cocaine related

26 replies

Suspencers · 01/01/2018 15:23

Hi there

I did post in addiction section and chat and some lovely people have replied but it's rather slow and I just need to chew the cud over this a bit, posting here for traffic.

Myself and my dp occasionally dabble in cocaine - maybe once every 3 months we will get some and have a night out. Never too heavy. I thought it was fun and under control.

Last week my DP disappeared for a couple of days. He has done this twice before and I told him if he did it again, I would end things.

When he eventually surfaced he admitted to having a cocaine addiction and that he can't be around his friends any more as they all do it. He has said he will get professional help to come off it completely. He is disgusted with himself and his behaviour and has been apologising profusely.

I also don't ever want to take it again, maybe I also need some help? Although I don't think so... I honestly would be happy if I never saw another wrap in my life.

I have asked him to not contact me for the foreseeable future and that I am not sure I can trust him or if there is a way forward for us anymore.

I don't really want to break up with him, I love him dearly and want to help him. But I am angry with him and honestly have lost some respect and trust in him. Also I said I would leave if he did it again, and I think I need to see it through, even though I desperately don't want to. He is an amazing fella in all other respects and cocaine has only ever impacted badly on the three occasions he's done a disappearing act. He isn't moody and doesn't show any sign of being a bad addict otherwise.

I don't know what to do and I don't know why I'm even posting. Hoping for some support or advice or handholding I guess. Please don't be too harsh, I know it's AIBU so I expect some harsh words but I am feeling so low about it... The other week we were talking about getting engaged and moving in together. Now this.

Thanks for reading. X

OP posts:

waitingforlifetostart · 01/01/2018 15:53

Leave him. Never take cocaine again yourself. It's disgusting, lifewrecking, law breaking shit

Original poster

Suspencers · 01/01/2018 15:59

It is disgusting, I know it is. If I never see a wrap again in my life I will be happy.

I am 50/50 as to whether I can leave him. I love this man so much. But can I ever trust him again? Doesn't everyone deserve a chance? In the same token I am so angry at his deception and disrespectful behaviour, I am not sure I can come back from it.

My head is spinning

OP posts:

Cheeseislife · 01/01/2018 16:33

Is he admitting all this without you questioning him? Is he being proactive about seeking help to get off it? I think I would not contact him for a few days and see if he gets in touch, if so ask him what progress he's made with staying clean? You have my sympathy, it's an awful drug, glad you at least have seen sense

Original poster

Suspencers · 01/01/2018 16:35

I went nuts at him for doing the disappearing act and he admitted it was because he wanted to get off his nut and that the drug turned him into someone he despises and he wants out.

He wants to change jobs, move area and dump his druggie friends.

He volunteered all this info by himself

OP posts:

IrkThePurist · 01/01/2018 16:40

If he wants to kick the habit he has to actually make some pretty major changes.
I dont usually say give him one more chance, but you can take the attitude that if he goes ahead and does it you win. If he backtracks you can leave him and are no worse off than you are today.

Best of luck Suspencers

Original poster

Suspencers · 01/01/2018 16:42

Thank you Irk.

I would have to see proof of these huge changes. I am going to take a back seat and see how he gets on, leave him for a while, let him see that I am serious.

I haven't actually decided whether I will get back with him yet. I really want to, eventually, but I am stubborn and when I said I would leave him I feel I shouldn't go back on that

OP posts:

tectonicplates · 01/01/2018 16:43

He wants to change jobs, move area and dump his druggie friends.

Usually I'd be joining in with everyone else and saying to leave him. But in this case, if you both want to stop doing it, is there any chance that you could change your lives together? It sounds like you both need a lifestyle change and need to stop hanging around with certain people.

Tistheseason17 · 01/01/2018 16:45

Wow, brave post, OP
Are there any services in your area that will see you separately so you can talk it over with someone who understands? I'm in a small city superb where this is available.

Original poster

Suspencers · 01/01/2018 16:51

I would love to change our lives together. Most of the changes would have to come from him though. None of my friends take any drugs (although they are drinkers, and this doesn't pose a huge problem), I wouldn't even know where to get it even if I wanted to get it. It's all come from dp. He would have to make the big changes

I will look into local service... Thank you

OP posts:

Scaredycat3000 · 01/01/2018 16:54

Sus, experience has shown me the MN AIBU is not the place for this. You have had mostly good replies (8 messages at the moment!), but expect a lot more much worse than waiting's. Living with a cokehead is horrible, but perfectly possible to be left behind and for the addict to move on. Addiction makes liers of anyone, only you and time know if you need to move forward by yourself or together. The honesty is a very good, but doesn't mean you owe him the rest of your life. Good luck, I wish I had been given such clear information from my OH cause I might not be here now if I had .

WhittlingIhopMonkey · 01/01/2018 16:56

Sounds to me like he's coming down from a 3 day bender and feels like shit. Give it a fww days and see does he still want to quit his job and leave town or is still serious about recovery. Make your decision then.

Original poster

Suspencers · 01/01/2018 16:59

Thanks Scardey

I was wary about posting here but desperate for some sort of interaction... Even if to just stop me from texting him.

I do hope he / we can overcome it.

Its not sure I can ever trust him again. He's lied to me once. That I know of. Which means he can lie again

OP posts:

Original poster

Suspencers · 01/01/2018 17:00

Totally right about he come down. I think he feels the worst he's felt, ever. And with no sympathy or support from me, even worse

OP posts:

RebelRogue · 01/01/2018 17:04

I would give him the chance to prove he's not just paying lip service. Stay separated and see what initiatives he takes, what help he seeks etc. This all needs to come from him, it's him that needs to do the work.
If it's not happening or he's expecting you to research and get help for him it will never work and a relapse is guaranteed, which will more than likely will be blamed on you.
Take your time,be careful,be wise.

Straycatblue · 01/01/2018 17:53

Suggest to start with you get in touch with Nar- anon = support group for friends and family of addicts.

www.nar-anon.org/

They will be able to point you in direction of resources and there might be meetings in your area. Looks like they do skype meetings as well.

There are other groups such as famanon.org.uk/ which has literature section. www.addictionrecoveryguide.org/message_board/index.php?act=ST&f=22&t=21751

There are also lots of online support forums for friends and families of addicts.

Be prepared that if you decide to stay together it will not be easy, and he may or may not ever kick his addiction. Alot of heartbreak lies ahead for both of you.

There are some good video resources on youtube, just type in Nar anon to get you started.

Original poster

Suspencers · 01/01/2018 18:33

Thank-you

I just miss him so much, I just want to text to see how he is. It feels so wrong not knowing how he is. I won't do it but fucking hell it's hard

OP posts:

LagunaBubbles · 01/01/2018 18:38

Who got who into the drugs in the first place?

Original poster

Suspencers · 01/01/2018 18:42

Neither. Both dabbled before we met.

OP posts:

Original poster

Suspencers · 02/01/2018 20:00

Stray, I have just come back to your very informative post and just wanted to say thank you. I will have a look at the links tomorrow. Right now I just want to sleep.

OP posts:

Straycatblue · 03/01/2018 12:41

Stray, I have just come back to your very informative post and just wanted to say thank you. I will have a look at the links tomorrow. Right now I just want to sleep.

I hope some of it helps, remember you dont have to make any permanent decisions straight away and even if you do decide to stay together, it also doesnt mean you have to always stay together if it is affecting you adversely.

Please do arm yourself with the knowledge and resources from people who have been or are on the journey as a family member to find out what challenges you may face if you decide to stay as often addicts follow a similar repeated pattern of reform and failure. It is rarely a linear road to recovery.

Lots of people have given their own stories of their experiences on youtube as well as more official resources.

Original poster

Suspencers · 03/01/2018 12:50

I have been looking at the addiction recovery board for most of the day. Some horror stories out there, but also some of hope.

I have posted but haven't had any replies yet.

I think I will need to meet with DP soon, and see where the land lies. See what he has to say for himself and then decide whether the relationship is salvageable / if I think I can deal with it. I am not sure what I should be looking for - what will convince me he is truly going to try and kick the habit.

I am putting it off because I am still seething with the disappearing act. I know I will focus on the lies - and want to know exactly which were lies and which were the truths. Is there any point focusing on that? Or just draw a line (excuse the pun) under it and start afresh? I just feel like I need to know about the lies. I feel sick when I think that he's lied to me.

OP posts:

Straycatblue · 03/01/2018 13:14

I know I will focus on the lies - and want to know exactly which were lies and which were the truths. Is there any point focusing on that? Or just draw a line (excuse the pun) under it and start afresh? I just feel like I need to know about the lies. I feel sick when I think that he's lied to me.

Its not wrong to want to know the truth and you have to a certain extent do what you need to do to for your own sanity, but focusing on the lies is putting both his and your focus on the wrong thing, the lies are just a symptom.
Its like being on the tracks at a level crossing with a train on the way and getting annoyed and angry because the gates havent come down but the real problem you need to focus on is the train hurtling towards you.

I say this very gently because I know you are struggling but there will be many more lies to come if you stay together.
Hes going to fall down on the way and hes going to lie to you because he will be scared to lose you because you staying depends on him not doing drugs. So more lies are inevitable. Even if he swears blind he will never lie to you again.

You have to establish what your boundaries are and stick to them because he will push them. Its the nature of addiction.

I know it reads like I dont think he will recover, lots of people dont but lots of people do and have successful happy lives, lots of big success stories even but even the success stories have a bumpy ride along the way.

Original poster

Suspencers · 03/01/2018 13:22

That is a good analogy and I know you are right, it's a pointless exercise. Not only because it detracts from the main issue - but because how can I trust he is telling the truth!!!

There is only one lie I know about anyway - that is him saying he was going to make his way to his mum's...he did no such thing. He said that after he sent that text, another friend turned up, so he didn't end up going to his mums.

I am veering towards breaking up. I feel physically sick.

Then I veer towards thinking his problem isn't even that bad - 3 benders in 5 years, and the occasional use with me. Is that even bad? I guess any drug use is bad.

My head is still spinning.

OP posts:

Straycatblue · 03/01/2018 13:57

Then I veer towards thinking his problem isn't even that bad - 3 benders in 5 years, and the occasional use with me. Is that even bad? I guess any drug use is bad.

I feel like Im playing bad cop here and Im sorry, but what you have written above is only what you know about.
Its the same as when a man gets caught out in an affair, he will minimise and make it seem like less has gone on than what actually has.

He has admitted his use is bad enough that he has already admitted he is addicted and needs help. Do you honestly think that 3 benders in 5 years, and the occasional use with me is all he has done for him to confess to being an addict? (i could be wrong)
In the nicest possible way, and again I feel like Im being the bad guy here, you are already in denial.

I would just like to add as well, I don't know you or your partner so I can only go on my own experience, yours may be completely different and you have to find your own path.
I feel like all I am giving you is negativity and for that I am sorry.

Listen to some success stories to balance the input you are getting.

Make your choices informed choices and remember there is no hurry to make a decision. Your mind is probably whirling, try and take a break for a time, go for a walk/something physical, distract yourself with a movie or similar.

Original poster

Suspencers · 03/01/2018 14:05

I am just glad for some interaction about it, and you are helping me to see the other side of things, so thank you.

What I mean is that he might not be using as much as we might think, but that he said he needed help in order to placate me about his disappearing act. If that makes sense. I honestly don't see how he could be taking it while sitting in the house with me or at work... I would know by him, the way he speaks and acts. His eyes. I see him every single day, he practically lives at mine. He never goes out, he skips work parties, he avoids stag dos. He doesn't go to the pub with his mates. He is a homely guy. Except these 3 times

OP posts:

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