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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To be upset he missed our first New Years?

48 replies

T2517 · 01/01/2018 09:53

Ive been with my boyfriend for almost a year and for New Years we’ve gone to be with his family, who I sort of know but not really. Last night about 10.45 they all went off on a walk but I’ve had a bad cold so didn’t want to go. I figured they’d be back about 11.30 but basically they didn’t get back until half twelve. I rang in the new year with two people I didn’t know who weren’t even in the room with me and had no idea where he was.

I was super upset but I don’t think he really understands why? He didn’t reply to any of my texts and he didn’t really appologise either. It’s really bothering me that we’ve missed our first new year together and I feel like him and his family just forgot about me. AIBU?

OP posts:

Original poster

T2517 · 01/01/2018 10:28

I have underlying health issues that means walking long distances in the freezing cold wouldn’t be amazing for me, but if I’d know exactly what the plan was I’d have pushed through. Thanks for the advice everyone I do feel a bit better now - I’m not a grudge holder and I won’t let how I felt yesterday affect me now. Is there a way to get this deleted? I feel a bit silly now!

OP posts:

BashStreetKid · 01/01/2018 10:31

Seems odd to have gone on such a long walk so late at night.

Not on New Year's Eve.

honeyroar · 01/01/2018 10:31

I don't know wh people don't believe he went for a walk without calling into a pub! I've done a few New Years where I've gone for a lovely walk and been stood on top of a hill at midnight watching fireworks in the distance. There was a lovely full moon and stars last night, I considered going for a walk at 11pm when I was taking the dog out, but my youngest dog hates fireworks, so we stayed inside.

If I'd been you I'd have asked whether he would be back for midnight when he said he was going for a walk that close to midnight. But he could have at least rang you at midnight, so I'd be a little miffed.

basketbreath · 01/01/2018 10:32

Partners can behave very differently around their family and friends, it can be quite a shock if you haven't seen them together before. It can bring out their true colours.

I think your partner should of done everything he could to spend midnight with you. I don't think he did. Why bother taking you there if he's not with you for the main moment. This selfish behaviour would ring alarm bells for me and I wouldn't put myself in that sort of situation again.

I'm sad this happened to you, how would he have felt if you had done this to him?

Wishing you the happy new year you deserve.

StealthNinjaMum · 01/01/2018 10:32

I started out thinking you'd overreacted but do you think he knew he wouldn't be back for midnight? If my dp had health issues that prevented him from joining in an activity I would probably stay in with them. Is 'the walk' a family tradition perhaps and so he didn't feel the need to explain because he thinks that it's a 'normal' thing to do?

Floellabumbags · 01/01/2018 10:33

You chose to exclude yourself, you've no grounds for complaint.

claraschu · 01/01/2018 10:36

It sounds like the long walk at midnight might be a family tradition. I think this is one of those moments when people just have different expectations, so it wasn't necessarily inconsiderate of him; the moment of midnight might just not be important to him, but the walk was! Perhaps in his world, it is very disappointing that you didn't want to walk in the dark on NYE. This is not an expectation in our culture, but actually it seems to me like a lovely thing to do.

I think that different expectations are not necessarily a problem in a relationship, but how a couple deals with them is very very important.

Original poster

T2517 · 01/01/2018 10:37

I’m honestly not sure, the walk is a family tradition but he’s never ever mentioned it being over midnight itself - I thought it was just to walk off dinner. I would have at least rung him at new year. I have bad anxiety which probably makes it worse and I fully accept that it might just be my problem. He’s said he should have been clearer that it was for midnight (and then said he thought they’d be back before..!) and that next year he’ll either stay with me or hopefully I’ll be well enough to go too. It’s all sorted and I’m really happy, it was never a question of me doubting his character/where he was or anything more wondering if I was overreacting!

OP posts:

ForagingForFaerieGold · 01/01/2018 10:39

Ignore people saying you're hard work etc. This is AIBU and there's always a few like this. Fact is you were invited for the New Year and then abandoned. I'd be upset too and I'm 46.
Good that he's apologised (sort of) . It's not a sackable offence but in your shoes, he'd be on notice.

Have a lovely day from now on.

Vitalogy · 01/01/2018 10:39

There's no need to feel silly OP. Sounds like unfortunate crossed wires.
Hopefully you'll be having a good New Year's day together.

Original poster

T2517 · 01/01/2018 10:39

We definitely communicate well and I would rather tell him what I’m upset about than stew silently so we’ve discussed it (I was half asleep but still counts) and I’m sure we’ll clear things up when he wakes up. I’m a big believer in honesty and I don’t get angry/shouty or anything like that, just needed a bit of a vent.

OP posts:

claraschu · 01/01/2018 10:40

Don't feel silly OP! I think your feelings and the process of adapting customs and expectations within a newish relationship are really important, and also quite interesting. My husband and I still struggle to get this sort of thing right after 28 years together.

AllMyFriendsAreHeathens · 01/01/2018 10:40

I don't think YABU OP, I think you are disappointed that you didn't see the New Year in with your boyfriend. It's quite a new relationship and I imagine you were looking forward to the event and that's ok. Sorry it didn't work out as you had hoped. Don't let it spoil your day.

AuroraBora · 01/01/2018 10:41

As usual the mumsnet party poopers are out en masse

OP it is normal to want to spend midnight on New Year’s Eve with your partner, and it is normal to celebrate and enjoy New Year no matter what posters are saying here.

I can’t remember the last time I went out for new year, I always spend it in with DH and we do nothing special except flick over to the fireworks at midnight and have a kiss, but I’d still miss it if for some reason we couldn’t do it.

Anyway, YANBU. It was odd of him and his family to vanish for so long and him not explain they were off out and for how long. It was odd that for such a new couple he didn’t think that he wanted to see in the new year with you. YWBU to be massively pissed off but I’d still say that you need to let him know that it was rude of him to basically desert you.

Original poster

T2517 · 01/01/2018 10:44

Thanks, I’ve asked for the thread to be deleted because I’m worried it would hurt his feelings if he somehow find it. Thanks so much everyone for your advice, I just wanted to know that I wasn’t massively overreacting by being annoyed. Hopefully we’ll have a lovely day today and I’ll keep him on a leash just in case...!

OP posts:

Vitalogy · 01/01/2018 10:46

You sound lovely OP.

Nofunkingworriesmate · 01/01/2018 10:47

Am I the only person who think op's boyfriend was a total dick?
Going for a walk at that time is weird unless it's to see in the new year together. It unkind to leave a new girlfriend with relative strangers.
Sounds like a lack of communication about expectations, I know I would have been upset

Willow2017 · 01/01/2018 10:47

I would be pissed off too. Why invite someone to spend nye with you then sod off and leave them till 12.30?
He hasnt even apologised properly he knew the time but didnt evem nother to get home or even phone you. Thats crap and i would be wkndering what else was going to come before me.
If he had explainrd before they went out you would have had a choice but to just go out for a walk and infer they wouldn't be long and not come back is selfish. The only reason you were there was to spend nye with him not some strangers.

TheStoic · 01/01/2018 10:52

I think what he did was incredibly rude.

I wouldn’t do that to any guest I’d invited to my family’s home, let alone my boyfriend/girlfriend.

And now you’re scared of hurting his feelings? You’re on a hiding to nothing, OP.

Original poster

T2517 · 01/01/2018 10:55

I mean I know he wouldn’t be bothered (and I’ll also tell him about this thread) but I have hideous anxiety so I’m now picturing this going in the DM and all his family seeing it etc..worst case scenario is my middle name!

OP posts:

MsVestibule · 01/01/2018 11:05

I hate the worry that these threads will go in the DM. I had a Christmas falling out that I was going to post about last year (sadly, the repercussions are still ongoing) but it was exactly the sort of thing that the newspapers love and I couldn't risk exacerbating the issue with my family.

OP, I know I posted earlier saying YWNBU, but I think that even more since I've seen your updates. He appears to be giving you conflicting excuses as to why he left you by yourself/didn't phone. I'm not suggesting at all that he's lying about where he was, but he doesn't seem averse to lying to get himself out of 'trouble'. That would bother me.

Original poster

T2517 · 01/01/2018 11:09

I think tbh he’s not used to me being a bit cross at him and he didn’t like it so he panicked. He’s honestly the sweetest, most supportive guy and I think he’s gutted that he made me feel like that. He keeps waking up and apologising again, I’m not worried at all. I feel much better now, just needed a moan!!!

OP posts:

Raisedbyguineapigs · 01/01/2018 11:22

I think the boyfriend was a bit mean too to leave his new girlfriend on her own in his family house on NYE while she wasnt well and has underlying health issues. He could have given it a miss and stayed in! But if he is early 20's too, maybe he was just being a bit thoughtless. I was in the countryside at Christmas too. I dont think Id have gone for a walk at 10.45 to walk off dinner! I might have walked to some event or fireworks to see in the new year though! He should have said.

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