To think that life is pointless...?

[Sleepless123]

Hello all,

My mother has just been diagnosed with terminal cancer and it has left me feeling like there's just no point to life. I know that sounds dramatic - I don't mean that I want to kill myself or anything - it's just that nothing seems important anymore.

I took time off work to be with her after the diagnosis (I live abroad) but now I have to go back to work and I just don't know how to care about it any more, it seems so pointless. It just doesn't matter to me at all anymore, compared to what she's going through. I don't want to see my friends either, or do anything really. There's very little I enjoy in life anymore - even volunteering feels like a drag.

I was trying to decide whether to start a family before mum's diagnosis, but now I just think that would be pointless too - I'm just going to get old and die, then my children would eventually do the same. And that's the best case scenario.

I do realize that I sound depressed and I'm going to try to see my doctor next week. But if anyone has any tips that they can share on how to pull through this, I'd really love to hear them...

(Have name changed for obvious reasons!)

Sorry to hear about your mum. You have obviously been shocked to the core with the diagnosis. I’m glad you plan to see a gp and am seeking help.

Instead of focussing on the negatives, can you focus on the positives. How much time has your mum got? Try and remember all the good things you have done together.

Also, recognise that you are beginning to grieve, and allow yourself to feel like this.

You should take one step at a time for now, this is not the best time to make plans for the future when you're going through such difficult times. I think life is about enjoying it while it's there.

Yesterday I saw a documentary about an 87 year old woman living alone in a cottage on an island off the Finnish coast, she was so happy with life and tended her garden, and when spring came for her the 87th time she was so happy she could start over again, sowing plants in the allotment. I think this is part of what the "meaning" can be.

I learned about the "El Camino de Santiago" once, it's a walking track in Spain and and you might want to look into if this could be something for you once this difficult time is over, I think it could help better than any therapy the GP might offer. Here's a link and there are plenty of information on YouTube also. Getting away, thinking over what is important and what is not, in a friendly environment. www.outsideonline.com/1917861/walking-camino-de-santiago-beginners-guide

I lost my mum to disease too, but it was a long time ago by now, when I was small, so I never really got to know her a an adult. Sometimes it's hard or impossible to find "a meaning" with the things happening around you.

I'm sorry you and you're mum are going through this.

I've no magic formula but I've been where you are and it's only natural that you reassess your life in the face of such news.

I found it easier to focus day to day and not look at the bigger picture. It helped me make every day count I had with my loved one so that I had no regrets afterwards

I reassessed afterwards and made some small life changes in the process of trying to make sense if it all and I'm in a better place now.

Give yourself time and be kind to yourself

Right now you’re at the beginning of your grief. You are blessed to have had your mum and to have built so many happy memories. I know it doesn’t feel like that right now. She got to see you to grow up and find happiness and to show her how much she loves you. And she is still with you so you can create some memories, which will be both happy and sad.

There is only one sure thing about life, which is a side effect of the creation of life. It is that you die. What you do in between really is important.

When you are further along in your grief, you will remember the good times and love you received from her, the little things you laughed and cried about. These things cannot be rushed.

Your mum already taught you the true meaning of life, which is to pass love on to yourself and those around you. What she did and who she was has changed the world forever just by being here. This is the same for everyone. If you do or don’t decide go have children, nothing can take that away.

It's hard to continue caring in the face of unrelenting sadness. Being human and experiencing love means we get to have heartache. You may return to a sense of life having a point later. Personally, I don't think there is meaning to all of this, it's just how it is. I think everything is pointless, but that's not the point. Life doesn't have to show me its meaning, the point is to do things that people do while we're alive.

Feel really sad for you.
I’ve been where you are and if it’s any consolation I felt pretty much the same .

It was one of the hardest times in my life. I don’t feel life is pointless any more. I appreciate the gift of life a lot more. I enjoy life. I don’t place as much importance on work as I used to.
I have children now and I want them to enjoy life too.

Take this day by day. I hope you have lots of support from friends and family. It’s not easy

So sorry for you and your family. We have recently found out my dad’s Cancer is terminal and it’s like the ground has been pulled out from underneath you. All I can say is give it a little time for the shock to sink in. 4 weeks on and we are all starting to find some ‘normality’ in life. My parents had a counselling session which really helped them. Maggie’s support centres have also been recommended if you have one near you. There is the Macmillan Support helpline and online forums too.

My DM was killed in a car accident last year, she was only 69. Here one minute then gone. No chance to say goodbye. My DF died years ago aged 54.
Their deaths have taught me how fragile and precious life is, and how waking up each morning with our families, having the opportunity to enjoy the little things and also work, socialise and travel makes us all incredibly lucky. Life isn't pointless, actually it's the very opposite and I felt I would be doing them an injustice if I didn't try to live it fully.
Look after yourself.

Sounds like you’re really struggling with mortality. I’m guessing you’ve not been faced with the death of a loved one before. Are you very young? Are all your grandparents still alive? We lost someone unexpectedly to cancer before having kids and it really threw me at the time and made me read up on the experience of death and dying. When I did have my children I was then quite open with them about the fact that everyone dies and it’s not really a sad event, just another stage of life really that we must all go through. I’m glad I did broach it this way as there are a few “young” deaths likely to happen in our family before they’re adults. I’ve heard it said losing a parent is worse than losing a child. Yet the vast majority must go through it. Just keep talking to people. Do things with your life you feel make a difference. For now I think being terminal but not knowing when the end will come is hardest. Like you having to go back home/to work while your loved one could live a week, a month or even a year. You can’t just sit and hold their hand the whole time. Take care of your own mental health and make your peace with our mortality.

I’ve heard it said losing a parent is worse than losing a child

I don't believe that for a second I'm afraid.

Op life very much isn't pointless. There is so much to it. It is a gift. It can be impossibly hard and sad but that really doesn't take away how extremely precious it is at the end of the day.

for you. You've had a massive shock. It will take time to get your head round this. You're allowed to feel what you feel at this awful time. I hope you have a support network to lean on.

Hi op I know how you feel, my mum's been diagnosed with liposarcoma, 6 months ago, no one expected it as she's really healthy, I felt like you, at first thinking what is the point in anything! And the more I read about the cancer the more it scared me, but now I'm trying to be positive, I have 2 brothers, we are a close family and we share our feelings, do you have siblings that know what you are going through? My kids are also helping have to be strong for them..

If your mum knew how you were feeling, what would she say? What would she want for you? She clearly brought you up so well that you love her enormously - so I think she'd want you to be happy, she'd want that upbringing to count for something.
But your feelings are completely normal and you will need some help with all this - I can recommend the Cruse website as a starting point. All the best.

I'm so sorry OP.

A PP hit the nail on the head that you've already started grieving. I read an article recently that said "you can only reach the depths of grief if you've hit the peaks of love"

Life is worth living and it will be so tough for a while but you'll get there.

Sending you lots of love

I’ve heard it said losing a parent is worse than losing a child

Totally disagree with this as well. In the natural order parents pass before their children.

I found the waiting is the worst bit of losing someone close.

Sorry to hear that OP.

Please don’t think there is something wrong with you that you need to see your GP about. You aren’t depressed, you are grieving and that is a natural emotion. It’s best to feel it and see it through. I think a lot of people struggle at this time of year regardless of whether they are going through an additionally terribly hard time, so that probably isn’t helping right now. Everything can feel pointless from time to time and in some ways I think it’s good to acknowledge, essentially, how pointless everything actually is. There is no point to any of it, really. There’s no final prizes or awards handed out at the end for the life most selflessly or meaningfully lived. So enjoy every little stupid, meaningless bit of it. Do what makes you happiest, be with your mother, feel your feelings and try to see the joy in every little thing.

Best wishes to you.

Such a difficult time for you. No words of wisdom to offer, but I like the comments of all the pp.

Take care

Sorry you're feeling so low OP. One of life's most testing times, seems so unfair sometimes. Try and use it to grow other than it beating you down, I know easier said than done at this time. I've been through grief a few times now, as we all do the older we get, I can honestly say it has changed me for the better, although at the time things don't seem that way. Best wishes.

@hevonbu A couple of things resonated with me from your post. I too have looked into doing this walk. I know it is supposed to be done on foot but can be combined with cycling/bus too. Have you ever thought about doing this yourself?
Plus the documentary you mentioned, would you have a link?

Thank you so much for all your replies everyone - it really means a lot.

ChichandFips33, middleage3, Fourneedles, CPtart, Par05, Vitalogy (and anyone I've missed out) I'm so sorry you're going/have gone through a similar thing

I think I am starting to grieve, so it's good to know that these feelings are normal - unfortunately I was suffering from mild depression before all this started, and now I don't know what's grief and what's depression. I feel like I need a bright spot in my life to pull me through, but I wasn't finding much joy in life before the diagnosis and now life just feels like a big empty expanse of nothing.

BUT all I wanted to do this morning was stay in bed and cry, but instead I hit the gym, did laundry, walked the dog, did a grocery shop and cleaned the house. Although I had to battle against spontaneously bursting into tears on the treadmill and I felt like s^%t, I got through the day. I think just getting through each day will be the key.

Anyway, thanks again to everyone for taking the time to reply

Hi OP well done for getting through the day - you'll be amazed where your strength comes from...some days you have to dig deep but each day you do, you have something to look back on that tells you you can do it. It does get easier

You also get ambushed by the grief in the strangest of places triggered by random things! Keep acknowledging your feelings and let them out - even if it's just telling the dog!