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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

10 year old iPhone

31 replies

user1483887562 · 01/01/2018 02:32

Should a ten year old be given an iPhone? Its my stepson, his parents don't generally monitor their sons' screen time. The younger one (8) was spending a 100 pound a week on his mums credit card for games. neither of them noticed, I saw this on his (monitered by me )ipad and altered them both. It is an almost impossible conversation to have with my boyfriend, it is bothering me hugely that a ten year old has unlimited access to the internet and no rules, obviously I try to impose rules when they are in our house, but it is already a lost battle. I feel both parents are desperately trying to please their sons due to a dreadfu divorce and no one is really bothering to check about internet safety etc Tempted to back off completely. DPs family have expressed concern ( to me ) too about this.ANY advice welcome.

OP posts:

Whyarealltheusernamestaken · 01/01/2018 02:36

Sorry but as a step parent you can warn your other half, but for your own wellbeing stay out of it. This is a parents thing as hard as it may be

FireCracker2 · 01/01/2018 02:42

well lots of 10 year olds do have smart phones or tablets or laptops, so maybe not great but far from being unusual.When you say no rules, do you m,ean in general, or surrounding screen time?

Original poster

user1483887562 · 01/01/2018 02:44

' No rules' regarding screen time. No monitoring or screening or parental controls. Is this normal? I find it worrying.

OP posts:

liminality · 01/01/2018 03:51

Well it's not the choice I would make but you can't really overrule both the parents can you? Some people give their newborns unlimited screentime with abrasive cartoons etc. Not my place to argue with them.
I'd make sure to have regular conversations with DSS about all things internet. And probably enroll him in coding classes if they are not already offered at school. If you can't restrict it, make sure he at least has all the knowledge he needs to be safe. I've found that once kids understand the back end of computers ie how to code, the seven levels on the internet etc, it gives them much greater autonomy and understanding and control.

makeitpink · 01/01/2018 04:20

My 9yr old and 10yr old both have iPhones. They are on contract but tied to my account so I can check spending/activity. They have to ask before they download or buy items but other than that there are no restrictions. I call it trust. We do have a rule that if Mummy/nana wouldn't like it then they shouldn't be watching/playing it. They stick to the rules and keep their phones. If I find out they break the rules then they lose trust and their phones. So far no problems and both have reported inappropriate pop ups etc and asked what they should do so I think they understand the risks etc. Don't know if that helps??

huha · 01/01/2018 04:24

I gave my 9yo my old iPhone with no SIM for Xmas. She also has an iPad. Saying that, her screen time IS monitored, and she is not allowed unrestricted access all day everyday.

Isetan · 01/01/2018 08:39

There’s little you can do if his parents are not on board but I’d find poor parenting a turn off.

HopefullyAnonymous · 01/01/2018 08:49

I came on thinking you had a 10 year old iPhone and had found the key to cracking Apple’s crafty battery life scam!

Long night. Sorry.

makeitpink · 01/01/2018 09:06

@HopefullyAnonymous I also thought this at first. I was vaguely optimistic it would be some kind of fossil iPhone thread.

alletik · 01/01/2018 09:18

Nothing inherently wrong with a 10 year old having an iPhone. Depends on how and why they've got it.

Gave my DD her iPhone at 10. She needed a phone because she was being picked up from school by grandparents and taken to her hobby to be later collected by her Dad. If there were any problems (such as DH being late to collect her), the hobby had no phone, so no method of contacting her. She would have (and was) just left waiting with no idea as to how long he might be.

We therefore decided to give her a hand me down iPhone (my old one) as a present. Our rules, if she can look after it for two years without breaking it losing it, she can get her own phone. Did this with eldest DD who has now had her phone 5 years and thankfully, never lost, scratched or damaged the screen. It can be a good compromise. I know my dd mostly uses hers to watch YouTube and play games, but I monitor her use carefully, and she's open about how it is done.

The only thing I would say would be to check the settings on YouTube etc. I don't allow anything with an age rating of over 12, so have a lot of restrictions for her. It works for us.

IrrationalFamily · 01/01/2018 09:22

They do have lessons on internet safety at school I believe but things like You Tube can quickly suggest unsuitable clips.

Can you start a general chat with your partner and SS about strangers online? I think that would worry me most.

MongerTruffle · 01/01/2018 09:23

the key to cracking Apple’s crafty battery life scam

The key is to replace the battery. Apart from that, it is true that Li-ion batteries degrade over time.

HopefullyAnonymous · 01/01/2018 09:30

MongerTruffle

I was over simplifying, sorry. They have been artificially slowing the performance of older phones coming to the end of their contract period, meaning that you have to either get a new phone or pay rather a lot for a replacement battery. Quite a clever little plan to make sure we keep buying the new model!

Shadow666 · 01/01/2018 09:39

Do they do kids smart phones in the UK? I'm abroad but I got my son a kid's smart phone and it has very strict settings. He can only use it between 4pm and 8pm on weekdays, any time on weekends but only up to 2 hours per day. No adult websites, needs permission to download apps, can only call the numbers I have ok-ed, that sort of thing. Very, very safe and cheap to run. I set it up with a Google Play voucher so it's not linked to my credit card.

MrsDilber · 01/01/2018 09:43

I wouldn't get involved, if I were you

Generally, this generation being bought up with their faces in phones/tablets worries me and I think the amount of time they use it needs monitoring by parents.

I know a young man with zero social skills (long story) but it has ruined his life.

alletik · 01/01/2018 09:46

With only the one child, if you can get the parents on board, you can use this app to restricts apps / time of use on iPhone etc...

ourpact.com/

MongerTruffle · 01/01/2018 09:49

pay rather a lot for a replacement battery

£29 is a lot?

MongerTruffle · 01/01/2018 09:50

I mean it's not a lot to have a phone battery replaced.

Tika77 · 01/01/2018 09:52

I must be the only one here who thinks iphones for 10 year olds are ok.
In my house, I’d keep my rules.

LivingInMidnight · 01/01/2018 09:56

hopefully the alternative would be a phone that shut down at random. Google did this with one of theirs. I'd rather have a slower phone than one that could shut down at any moment, it was a nightmare.

Monger it was considerably more expensive before this story broke in the news.

MongerTruffle · 01/01/2018 09:59

it was considerably more expensive before this story broke in the news

Yes, it was.

SandyDenny · 01/01/2018 10:00

I thought it was going to be about a 10 year old iPhone too.

Is the issue with the fact that it's an iPhone? Would you be OK with a different make of phone? I wouldn't give a 10 year old such an expensive item, I'd be worried about it being lost or stolen as well as running up a large bill but if it's not my child there wouldn't be anything I could do

Original poster

user1483887562 · 01/01/2018 10:10

So how so how do others' monitor an iPhone. It's not the expense that bothers me it is the direct accessibility to the internet, unmonitored and yes the internet safety talks are ongoing but is that enough? And also I do think hours of being on a screen can't be great for a developing brain. But I am greatly interesting in hearing how other parents deal with this. Thank you.

OP posts:

Shadow666 · 01/01/2018 10:18

I agree with you OP. Too many stories of 12-Year-old boys addicted to porn, 13-Year-old girls going off to meet men they have been chatting to online, 6-Year-olds watching violent videos. It’s horrific and parents seem oblivious to it all. There must be safety apps out there that limit use, that limit access to stuff that isn’t appropriate. Parents need to take more responsibility for what their kids are doing online.

alletik · 01/01/2018 10:36

user it's different for me, because I'm the parent, but my deal was when my DC got social media, I let them have it underage on the condition that their accounts were also on my phone. So any notifications from Instagram etc automatically appeared on my phone and I could log into all of my DCs social media accounts from my phone in an instant. Knowing that I could see anything and everything meant they had to be conscious of "would my mum approve of this". Alongside this, I told my DC that if there was anything they didn't feel comfortable with, they could use me as the big bad wolf... "my mum is so mean, she doesn't let me...., she checks my phone....". DDs have used this from time to time.

As they have proved themselves more responsible, I have been able to take a step back and I only do the occasional check of my eldest's phone now. And it's mostly dull, tedious stuff. But by letting her have it early, we were able to exert much more control over the social media and "train" our dc In responsible use. Of course, we had to have a few conversations about things that were inappropriate (but never rude or sexual, more the tone didn't come out so well). But as DC could see we were helping them (and they were younger, so without all the teenage hormones) they would listen and have followed our advice. Every now and then DD1 (14) still shows me something her friends have posted that they consider to be irresponsible... and I am surprised that they would do this. Even DD tuts at them.

We also have a rule that all "friends" on SM must be children and must be people she has met in real life. We don't do virtual friends.

I have to say when DD1 first gig instagram, lots of her friends parents told me they wouldn't let their DC have it, but they did - they just used to do it behind their parents back, one even used to log on using other people's phones because her Mum checked the phone. So I think it's important for the DC to get the dialogue going between parent and child, and to get the honesty and trust going. Hence, we've gone down the route of when our children ask for SM, we've more often than not (but not always) said yes, but it's our job to keep you safe on technology / SM and this is how we're going to do it... our rules are all about keeping our DC safe, so they understand this and accept them, and thankfully for us it's worked so far...

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