Moving Abroad... AIBU?

[Traveller123x]

My DP and our DC (19 and 10) made the decision to move abroad as we got an opportunity to live and somewhere we’ve always wanted to. We are all beyond excited! However my parents are 70 and my mum is devastated. She thinks I’m being heartless to move everyone when their getting older and won’t have much family around. Every time I speak to her she ends up in tears and makes me feel guilty. I don’t think children are there to look after parents in old age and would hate my DC to not follow their dreams for my sake.

AIBU to move? Both my DC really want to and I believe it will be a nicer place to live for their future. It’s around an 8 hour plane journey away and not too expensive - plus my DP and I can come back reasonably often and don’t expect them to do all the travelling. Thoughts?!

Get packing op!!

Go! You will only regret the things you don't do.

Your parents may live to be 90+. Do you want to spend the next 20 years regretting not going?

Do it....we're moving away in about 2 yrs and no one is going to talk us out of it. We're doing it for a better quality of life and that's what matters. You will regret it if you don't give it a go x

There is no right or wrong answer here, you have to do what feels right for you, but I'm sure you can understand where your mum is coming from.

A few years back we explored the possibility emigrating and it was worrying about my parents that kept us here. They are now in their '70s and not in the best of health, so I have no regrets about staying, it was the right thing to do. I am an only child so no other family around.

Are you the only family nearby? Just trying to offer the flip side here, will one of them be completely alone if something happens to the other. I think your mums reaction may be as much to do with worrying about being alone as knowing how much she will miss you. I'm sure she doesn't want you to miss out on an opportunity, but the fear of old age is very real.

Go. I had a chance to work abroad for three years on a secondment. For the first two years, whenever someone asked mum how I was doing, she’d burst into tears. Sometimes when I was standing next to her! I just rolled my eyes and pointed out I wasn’t dead, which was harsh, but she was getting irrational. She is of a generation where she had relatives that emigrated and she never saw again, whereas I came back a couple of times a year thanks to work and actually saw my parents more than when I was living at the other end of the UK. My dad on the other hand was extremely supportive, and did his best to reign her in. Now I’m back in the U.K. and my brother has been working abroad for far longer than I did - she’s getting better but does tend to panic at the slightest hint of bad stories in the news or poor weather in that country.

Make sure she can Skype or FaceTime before you go, set a regular time when you’ll contact her. Otherwise, don’t look back. Good luck with your adventure!

Pack and go. I remember when my MIL put the same moral squeeze in my BIL when he was posted by his company to the USA for four years - not even permanently - and she tried to take him on a guilt trip.

In the days of Skype and the rest of the box of technological tricks TNS from her. You can keep in touch.

Good luck with the move.

There is no right or wrong answer here. But of course your mum will be heart broken. FWIW we moved from NZ to here. If you ask me now I still say we would do it again. However DH missed FIL death because by the time he got there after getting on the first flight he could, he has already passed away. His work was also shitty about taking 3 weeks off for the funeral. (He has to help MIL settle stuff, there are no other siblings and MIL wasn’t coping). The thought of getting that phone call is always at the back of my mind.

You simply can’t discount this and your mums fear isn’t unfounded. But you don’t have to base all your future on what’s best for her.

I'm in a similar situation OP with an offer to move abroad with my job. Our parents however have been supportive but that's likely because we're leaving siblings behind that live nearby. It's obviously made our decisions to go much easier so I sympathise with how you must feel right now.

It must be scary getting older not knowing whats coming so I appreciate it's probably a knock to accept you're moving for them. I agree with a previous poster though...you only regret what you don't try.

Good luck with your big adventure

You have to live your own life but bare in mind that their health is likely to decline into their 70s and 80s. My cousin moved to New Zealand and within months her mum was diagnosed with cancer. Her mum/my aunt had a year long battle and my cousin visited twice (huge expense as her children came too). Her mum sadly lost her battle and my cousin couldn't afford to come to the funeral (family offered to help but she also couldn't get more time off work without losing her job).Within another year her Dad/my uncle had a heart attack and she has to live every day knowing her choices mean he has no one to care for him. He's in a care home at 65 years old as there's no one else to look after him. She knows she's made the right choice to live away but she feels guilty daily. Just something to think through.

their health is likely to decline into their 70s and 80s

True enough: but people have been emigrating since the invention of the dug-out canoe and for most of human history it meant never seeing or hearing from your family again. You cannot tie yourself to a country or an area by that consideration.

It’s kind of crazy to think that when Irish mothers waved their sons off to America that it was completely possible that they’d never hear from them again. I know it was ages ago, but still.

Start packing.

25 years ago I got the guilt trip from my GM. 25 years later she's still here and I've lived in several different countries.