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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Feel like I am being cut out.

14 replies

Kayakinggirl86 · 31/12/2017 15:09

Trying to work out if I am acting like a spoil child or have a right to be annoyed.

So me and DP split up in October, in November I decided to take a new job far way from the area we live in. So I have chosen to move.

Since then friends have been treating me differently. For example only one remembered my birthday and even then I basically had to beg them to spend some time with me (as could not face a empty house).
Have had 10days off work and only time I have seen any of my friends is when she dropped her children off (which I then looked after and took out for the afternoon).

Another friend (X) keeps saying how hard life is at the moment (has recently split with DH) and that she needs people to talk to. But she never responds to my messages and is fine to go out with coffee with others etc.

But the one that is annoyed me today is; had plans to do an activity with a close friend (A) this evening. We were meeting at 5 (and it goes on till min night). She just texts me saying she is not feeling great (as she has had a busy day) so can we re-arrange. I phone her, due to the back ground noise I ask her where she is she replies she is out with X,Y and Z (all friend we made when we worked together years ago). So I have sat in all day even though I asked X and Z if they wanted to do something. Also thought it would be good to rest for this evening. And now I have no plans- being new year has made this worse as well.
Just currently feel like my friends have already cut me out of their lives.
I know I have choose to move but I still want to be their friend, I still want to be invited for coffee, drinks walks etc..
AIBU?

OP posts:
QuinoaKeen · 31/12/2017 15:32

That sounds difficult Flowers.

Could you ask them about it? Explain how you're feeling?

Rossigigi · 31/12/2017 15:36

Why didn't you ask if you could join them?

MissionItsPossible · 31/12/2017 15:39

From what you have posted they sound horrible and I would be looking to make new friends. Did you question or challenge why friend A rearranged and then was out with friends X, Y and Z?

Poshindevon · 31/12/2017 15:39

Unfortunately your friends have have cut you out. Some people cannot maintain a friendship when the dynamic changes.
I suggest you make friends in the area where you now live and leave your DP and your fair weather friends well and truly behind.

Quorafun · 31/12/2017 15:43

Its when you move that you find out what sort of friendships you actually have.
Similar in that I moved due to work, but back most weekends. No car. Only 2 friends regularly kept in touch/visited/made plans with me etc. I'm very pleased to have them in my life. Ive also had a succession of nice, not able to withstand house and city move friendships with others.

Original poster
Kayakinggirl86 · 31/12/2017 16:08

Sorry have just realised i should have said that even though have new job and planning on moving I needed to give 6 months notice for my job (also gives me time to sort house) so still living in the same area.

Thing is they have never been fair weather friends before we have gone though; miscarriages, weddings, job changes, parents dying etc.

I suppose I do need to talk to them but as it is me that is moving I feel I have caused the issue. And maybe I should just suck it up for the next 5 months.

OP posts:
Original poster
Kayakinggirl86 · 31/12/2017 16:10

As for why I did I not ask if I could join them I did but got told we are all just leaving know and it would take you about an hour to get there. Which is true so a very valid point.

OP posts:
Rainbowmother · 31/12/2017 16:12

Is it a case of let's not bother with her she's leaving soon?

When on the phone I would have said "oh! I asked x & z if we could do something?" To see what she said.

They certainly are excluding you.

I'd research your new area for things you can do to get you out meeting people

MissionItsPossible · 31/12/2017 16:22

Tbh reading your last posts, it's quite sad. My advice: Do not even spend a second on wondering why this has all happened as it will only cause you upset. As the poster above and me said before just focus on getting new friends. I'm not sure if this was a major part of your post as it hasn't since been mentioned but this has all changed since you split from your husband and moved away. Are they more your friends or your husbands or mutual?

To backtrack on my first reply, if you have moved far away then your friends are not being unreasonable for not being able to conveniently come to you but they definitely are for using you as babysitting and the pre arranged meeting when your friend dropped you I'd be furious about.

MyfficRaven · 31/12/2017 16:29

It is rubbish when people you believe to be good friends let you down like this. I had something similar when we moved a couple of years ago. For the first few months I regularly drove back over to see a group of friends with kids the same age as dd. This wasn’t practical once they started school, and we talked about meeting up halfway occasionally (an hour’s drive, not a million miles). They all made enthusiastic noises about doing this on a weekend or during school holidays for an afternoon out with the kids, but it has only happened once in two years. I’ve given up suggesting it, and while I am sad at losing these friends, I have to accept that they are just busy with their lives, and it is a case of out of sight out of mind.

Once you move away, the dynamic shifts, and you may need to find new friends and new routines, as so many people are simply not willing to put in any extra effort to maintain a friendship. Try not to take it personally (easier said than done!), it really is them, not you! True friends will make the effort (we have several who do visit us regularly since we moved, we value them very highly!)

Original poster
Kayakinggirl86 · 31/12/2017 17:06

Rainbowmother. It does seem like the case she is moving soon so we can stop making a effort with her. But I have another 5months of living here and really valued these friendships(and want to make the most of the time we have together)! When I do move as it a over night flight away I know these friendships will suffer, but I want to make the most of the time we have together when if feels like they have already cut me out.
These ladies were/are my friends. A was my house mate before me and DP got together.
So I know that is not the reason. And we never hung out as couples so that is not the issue either.

Already with the guide books and Facebook stalking finding clubs and activities I can get involved in.

OP posts:
Abricot1993 · 31/12/2017 17:15

Hi there

It is not you, it is how many react when people move on. I am an expat and we get this all the time. Both people not bothering to make friends as they are leaving after 6 months, and people who say they are leaving and then friends pull away from them.

This is why many expats leave it until the last possible moment to announce their departure. Mostly they do this to ensure their children don`t have this pulling away from friendships but also to keep their support network for as long as possible. Focus on your new beginning. lots of luck with it

aaaaargghhhhelpme · 31/12/2017 17:33

How sad. It's not you. They're being awful

I would try to focus on the move and the fresh start. For whatever reason these friends are finding your new move/new singleness difficult. I hope you find some awesome long haul friends in your new place. Flowers

Rainbowmother · 04/01/2018 22:46

It's really sad. Seeing as it's falling apart, would you feel brave enough to text saying "look what's happened?"

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