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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Mil and my children's clothes -part 3

50 replies

bellarosa81 · 31/12/2017 11:33

Merry christmas everyone!

Well i have written about this Two Times before and had a lot of different advice. I just dont know how to handle this- or am I over reacting?

My mil has once again bought My children clothes after being told they have too many . Not only for christmas but also she bought more 3 days Ago in the sales!

One of My children went to stay with her for a couple of days and so i sent a bag with lots of clothes to choose from. This included things she had given as presents.

We arrived at theirs last night and My Child is wearing completely new trousers and on the sideboard was, what looks like , an outfit for newyears eve - which we are spending with them.
Why would she assume that she Could dress them and that i wouldnt want to ?

I'm so annoyed!
Wtf do i do?!!

OP posts:

Fluffyunicorns · 31/12/2017 12:10

My ExMiL purchased at least 5 outfits for my daughter every week from the time she was born - only having had sons before I was upset as I had really been looking forward to doing the girly shop. I gritted my teeth and it contnued for years - now however she is Ex and my daughter is 13 - and does not want to wear monsoon dresses every day so has no intention of putting on the clothes that still come her way - they now go to the charity shop with the labels still attached so at least somebody can enjoy them.
It all depends on how insulted she will be if you say no - if she will be too much to handle just take them but never put your child in them - I never ebayed as felt that might be seen as too graspy but was happy to give them away.
We had a red Christmas dress every year.
Advice make sure you take home the clother your child was wearing at the start so you don't lose anything but just dont use the stuff. It irritated me for years only seeing my DD in clothes the MIL had purchased but I toughened up!

Original poster

bellarosa81 · 31/12/2017 12:16

You know just to please her i even sent My Child to hers in clothes she had given as presents and then when we arrived last night i made sure the youngest had clothes on from her.

You would think that would make her happy!

OP posts:

BanyanChristmasTree · 31/12/2017 12:22

they now go to the charity shop with the labels

eBay is your friend.

Cagliostro · 31/12/2017 12:29

I can see why that is annoying, it sounds quite controlling if she really knows you have too much already, or like she needs to shop rather than wants to. It sounds like she doesn't want your kids wearing anything other than what she chooses

abbsisspartacus · 31/12/2017 12:30

We have just had the annual clothing dump from ex mil and family they dont need clothes every fucking year they buy them last year they gave vouchers i thought i was getting through but no pjs again THEY DONT FUCKING WEAR THEM ds1 wears pants and pj bottoms at a push ds2 is naked or he wears his brothers tshirt very rarely he wears pjs and sleeveless coats are not nor have ever been anything they like they hate slippers too

Guess what they got for Christmas

Original poster

bellarosa81 · 31/12/2017 12:34

Honestly what is wrong with people?!!

OP posts:

ZoopDragon · 31/12/2017 12:37

I would keep a few things (not sure why she shouldn't buy a NYE outfit for her grandchild? It's only for one evening and a bit mean to tell her she mustn't). Anything that didn't fit/wasn't comfortable or I hated, I would give to charity shops, friends or sell.

You don't need to make a big deal out of it, nor do you have to keep all the clothes. It's only about power if you make a big thing of it.

I suspect she gets a lot of pleasure from clothes shopping and seeing her DGC in the clothes, and gets carried away, which is perfectly normal.

Winosaurus · 31/12/2017 12:37

I totally get this! My ex MIL took it upon herself to go out and buy an ENTIRE wardrobe of clothes for my unborn DS meaning I had no need to buy anything until he was 6 months old. The clothes were lovely and I think most of them I’d have picked myself so my exH and PIL couldn’t see why I was so upset as they were “only helping”. I literally had to spell it out that she’d taken a lovely pleasure away from me choosing my baby son’s clothes.
She also took him for his first hair cut and his first pair of shoes, put him on the potty for the first time etc.
It was like she was trying to take over anything and everything that was my role or place to do as his mother.
Funnily enough it was a big factor in why DH and I split it up. She was extremely overbearing all the time but all under the guise of being “helpful”. It wasn’t helpful it was a form of control and in the end I couldn’t cope with it any longer.

Since the divorce exMIL and I actually get on very well, she tries to overstep the boundaries at times but I no longer have any desire to pacify her and put her back in her place if necessary.

This behaviour is usually symptomatic of wider control issues. Just be polite and say “thank you, but I already have DCs outfits sorted. Next time check with me to avoid you wasting your money”

mummmy2017 · 31/12/2017 12:38

Sorry Have read yours before..
Do you think your MIL just has a Shopping habit, and loves shopping with your child. and seeing them in a pretty outfit?

Maybe stop fighting this and instead embrace it, as you do know your never going to win, as in your MIL's eyes this isn't a fight, it's just she loves to buy for your child.

Ask her to take your DD out and Buy her some new school shoes.
Or say she needs a new winter coat, also warn her if it's not suitable you will have to return it, so can she include the receipt...
Tell her you need knickers, or sock, which kind and what size.
Instead of feeling out of control. own your problem...

2ndSopranos · 31/12/2017 12:45

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

LagunaBubbles · 31/12/2017 12:48

I must be in the minority then because this wouldn't bother me at all.

Original poster

bellarosa81 · 31/12/2017 12:50

Mummy2017: I dont think that it's just about her wanting to buy something pretty for my children to look nice.I feel like she is doing Exactly what she wants with no regard for my feelings.
Why Should i have to embrace that?

OP posts:

Fresta · 31/12/2017 13:01

This must be annoying.

I can't believe some people are so horrible though that they would hand a bg of clothes to their Mil that she had given asa gift and say they are not needed. How cruel!

MotherofaSurvivor · 31/12/2017 13:02

My daughter's Grandparents on her 'Dad's' side don't want anything to do with my child. Haven't bought her anything since Just after she was born and don't even send a card. Think yourself lucky and just find it funny! She is doing this out of love! Sell them if you have to and buy her gifts to say 'thankyou' - Make it an activity the kids will look forward to?

LilQueenie · 31/12/2017 13:04

Fresta I think you are missing the point. When you tell someone no and they override that and go ahead anyway that is just plain wrong. They bring it on themselves.

Original poster

bellarosa81 · 31/12/2017 13:05

Fresta- yes i'm not sure i Could do that ....

however when you have repeatedly told someone not to do something and they do it anyway and do not listen or care about what you say?

How would that make you feel ?

OP posts:

AnnaMagnani · 31/12/2017 13:07

Leave all the new clothes at MIL's as you have no room and so she has stuff to wear next time you visit. Or just accidentally forget to pick up that bag of stuff.

Rapidly the amount will pile up in her house and the light may dawn.

Or not, as the case may be, but at least they won't all be in your house.

Fresta · 31/12/2017 13:10

I'm not missing the point!

My MIL buys DH aftershave every year, he's politely told her he doesn't like it but still gets given it. She misses the point and she's trying to please, I just don't think she really takes it on board that he prefers expensive brands like Tom Ford, not David Beckham. We wouldn't dream of handing it back- that's just so rude and mean and she would be mortified. I just eBay it or give it away.

poopsqueak · 31/12/2017 14:30

I had a thread about this a while
Back. You end up feeling guilty about throwing away stuff/giving to charity. But at the end of the day they need to understand that it is now your turn to reach milestones/ buy clothes for your own kids.

My mum still tries to do all the 'firsts' with my Dd. Like taking her to see Santa, or to panto. She buys the tickets without one for us or doesn't invite us. Just DD. She tried to take first pair of shoes, and her winter coat EVERY YEAR. We say 'we would like to choose it ourself' and she ignores us and buys one earlier and earlier each year so we don't get to buy her one. It's very PA.

People try to tell you to be grateful but I feel like she has already got to experience this with her own children so why not let me enjoy doing this with my own kids?

The latest one is Disneyland. Bought tickets then hinted on to dd about 'things near Paris' and 'magical
Stuff' it's doing me in already.

derxa · 31/12/2017 18:17

Oh FGS

Rossigigi · 31/12/2017 18:21

I don't know if this has been said before, as I haven't read the full thread, so sorry if it has - but I am terribl for buying clothes for me and my boys. We are overflowing.

My psychiatrist says it stems from me not having the 'nice clothes, the labels' etc as a child, so now I over indulge with my kids and myself.

Could it be something like this?

junebirthdaygirl · 31/12/2017 18:32

I have the opposite problem. I am a gm and l get on well with my gds mum. But any time l have bought her clothes l have never seen them on her. I do not buy much and they are usually for a special reason eg l was in Paris on holidays and thought it would be nice to get something French but as far as l know she has never worn it. I know l don't see her everyday. Once l bought her quite an expensive dress and quite soon after that she had a big occasion. Her mom showed me pictures and she was wearing a dress that was too small. I just couldn't understand why she didnt pop on the dress l had got her. I rarely buy anything now. My gd jumps for joy when she sees the clothes so l don't think its that she refuses to wear them. It is hurtful. Just to be clear its not loads of clothes but its none now.

meredintofpandiculation · 31/12/2017 18:41

I can understand that if you feel the fun of a baby is dressing them in clothes that you choose, then I can see why GMs buying clothes when you've asked them not to is annoying. I just can't see why dressing a baby (beyond basic H&S) is considered such an important part of having a baby.

If you're not fussed about where clothes come from, as long as they do the job, then no-one can play power games with you over them.

derxa · 31/12/2017 18:45

Just to be clear its not loads of clothes but its none now. That's sad for you june.

grannytomine · 31/12/2017 18:54

Was she short of money when her kids were little? I had 4 and didn't have the money to splash out on lots of clothes. I do like buying things for my GC, I have five in 3 families so I can spread it out, and I do ask DsIL about what they need so I often get a school jumper or new shoes rather than a party dress that I would like to buy but I try to be grown up about it.

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