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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

AIBU to back off as a friend?

24 replies

StalkerFriend · 31/12/2017 09:54

My NY resolution is to back off my friends. 2017 has been a year where I feel I am doing all the organising and taking all initiatives in my friendships. I have many friends and friendship groups and I am forever the friend who remembers bday, send stay in touch messages if its been a while since we have seen each other and organise nights out. We live in London, so I am always finding new places to eat out, plays and concerts to book and generally just come up with a lot of ideas of things to do.

Apart from a few friends who seem to be similar to me, my friends very rarely organise anything and if left to them I would probably never see them or that is what I intend to find out in 2018!

Before you jump to conclusions that my friends simply don't want to see me, most of them are always making appreciative comments about how good I am to organise things, I am the glue in our friendship group and thank me for taking them to a good play as otherwise they would never get to do these things
I never call people or send constant messages. I probably try to arrange a meet up to do something every 2 months or so which I don't think is overly clingy or intense.

For background we are all in our 40s so none of us have very young children.

I know we all have busy lives. I also have a DH, DCs and a FT job, but friends are very important to me and I like an evening out a week doing something fun and sociable.

So my AIBU I guess is asking what is normal. Does anyone else feel like this? Should I focus on my equally sociable friends or continue to be the friend who always makes the effort.

OP posts:

Thetreesareallgone · 31/12/2017 10:00

My experience is that you have a role in the group, and you can back off, but mostly things just wont' happen if you don't organize them. I think often outgoing organizing types are friends with people who are less confident/organizing themselves, but really happy to go along with things, and they just don't step forward or have the confidence to think- my friend will love that/I'll book tickets/let's arrange a date. So, the whole thing flounders.

I don't have good advice, of course if you don't feel like it, don't do it anymore, but the consequence won't be everyone else rushing to fill the gap. I've lost touch with quite a few friends I thought were really good friends when I became less able to be the one continually calling (through my own life stress).

thelikelylass · 31/12/2017 10:12

You sound like me! I continually host and organise, I do it very well but just this last year I have found I can't be arsed!
I joined a meet up that has the most extraordinarily brilliant events as I love going to the. They are incredibly well organised and i like something I'll go again with just one or two friends. Interestingly enough, invitations are pouring in now I've stepped back and I have lots of lovely things planned next year wih little effort from me. Try it and see!

daisychain01 · 31/12/2017 10:12

You're one of those super- organised people that friends can rely on to make stuff happen on what seems like a massive scale. 'give something to a busy person' is the reality. You've got lots of commitment but somehow manage to fit in social arrangements in your priority list.

Let's face it, what incentive do your friends have to get involved, when it's handed to them on a plate.

Only you can decide whether to scale back or pass the reigns to someone else. You will very likely find they become annual get together rather than bi-monthly.

Personally, I don't enjoy group events (they can work well but often fall apart, as group dynamics can be problematic) so I'm probably not the right person to give an opinion. I find one2ones less stressful, time consuming and much cheaper!

harrietsoton · 31/12/2017 10:41

It sounds like even if you do withdraw, they wouldn’t notice or do anything anyway - they rely on you to organise events etc so I think you either withdraw and be a bit lonely or speak to them about how you feel

Original poster

StalkerFriend · 31/12/2017 11:18

Thanks for all your responses.

I know I will continue to be the organiser in most of my friendships and mostly, although I would love people to invite me to something, I know its appreciated.

I think in a few of my friendships where I am not sure if I might actually be stalker friend, I will kick the friendship ball into their court as I am starting to feel unsure if my friendship is actually wanted.

Just thinking that most people surely do give up of friendships which feels too one sided, so there must be lots of people who just don't have friends?

OP posts:

JustDanceAddict · 31/12/2017 11:24

You sound a bit like me, although even more organised as I tend to see the same people doing the same stuff - lol! I am good at keeping in touch as I value my friendships. If I ever feel I’m making too much effort I do back off a bit to see what happens - usually the person gets in touch!!
I think many people don’t have friends as per your last reply, as evidenced on here.

Maelstrop · 31/12/2017 11:27

I think you’ll see an awful lot less of them now! I pushed and pushed for a meet up with old friends of my DH, wifework, I know. They said it was lovely and one lot didn’t even send a bloody Christmas card, none of them have tried to organise anything since, so I’m doing the same, OP. Sod ‘em, frankly.

NapQueen · 31/12/2017 11:32

I had one friend who barely ever responded to plans, never initiated contact etc yet when we did see one another always lamented "we never see each other enough". I sent my last message to her end of 2016 planning on waiting for her to respond or initiate and never heard from her since. Shes had a second child, so when I found out recently I sent a short non committal congrats but thats all I will be doing.

Thankfully my other friendship groups are balanced and dont require lots of effort on any one persons part.

Original poster

StalkerFriend · 31/12/2017 11:32

I have one friend who I have backed off from a few times and thought actually its your turn to contact me. I always then get a message from her saying she is worried about me as she has not heard from me. As if she is she has come to expect my invites and gets quite needy if they dry up. She is on my 2018 "now its your turn" -list

OP posts:

PrincessoftheSea · 31/12/2017 11:40

A lot of people are lonely and do not have many friends because they are crap at doing friendships for many reasons IME

Madonnasmum · 31/12/2017 11:43

Tread carefully. I did this last year and ended up with a very empty diary which actually made me very sad and down. I agree, everyone has 'roles' in friendship, and if you don't initiate activities you may find they are then either badly organised or non existent. I have weeded one non friend out as she clearly gives no shits, but am planning on organising more events next year.

Namechangetempissue · 31/12/2017 11:45

I did exactly this in Jan 2017! I was sick to death of being the organiser, the one who always text, the one who cared the most, the doormat, the one who ended up doing things she didn't want to to please others.
So I just stopped. It has been BRILLIANT. Yes, as a consequence I have seen a lot less of some friends and actually drifted entirely from one I counted as very close, but I'm so much happier and content. Now I live my life as I want too and feel comfortable saying no. Do it!

Allthetuppences · 31/12/2017 11:46

Being in your 40's excludes very young children? Really?

SandyY2K · 31/12/2017 11:46

I have a similar friendship group..where another friend takes your role.

I could do it...but I do lots of the organising in my extended family too... so I don't want to be doing it with friends as well.

I really appreciate my friend who does it though. We all do.

lurkingnotlurking · 31/12/2017 11:50

I get exactly what you are saying. I have felt this way with friends in the past. But I find that many people like someone else to do all the organising. I got a group of about 15 mums together in my last area and arranged regular meetups. But after I left, the group drifted apart. Did they like eachother? Yes. Did someone replace me as organiser? No. It's a pain, but it's not necessarily a reflection on you and how your friends perceive your friendship. Some people just can't be arsed organising things.

Whinesalot · 31/12/2017 11:51

I think there are definitely the two camps of unwanted persueing and appreciated organiser.
If they are making it known that you are appreciated then I think you should take that at face value. But yes pull back from the other ones a bit.

ThePlatypusAlwaysTriumphs · 31/12/2017 11:56

Nooo, you are That Friend that everyone is grateful to!
I am so well meaning, but crap at actually getting organised. I do appreciate my friends like you, otherwise I would go nowhere and do nothing
It's not just that I am lazy, when I have a friend like you I'm almost frightened to try to organise/suggest something in case it's not as good/people don't want to know
Please know that all we crap friends out there appreciate all you organisers!

lurkingnotlurking · 31/12/2017 12:01

platypus that's a nice bit of insight from you, thanks. Want to know a secret? We organisers also worry that people don't want to know when we organise something. I believe that's reflected in the Op's post and is certainly my experience

ChasedByBees · 31/12/2017 12:02

I'm the same but I've found that if I don't arrange anything, nothing happens. Very few people invite me spontaneously. It's a bit depressing.

lazarusb · 31/12/2017 12:08

I did the same in 2016 with a group of my friends. I got fed up with being the organiser but them then being constantly late (to the extent restaurants would call me and ask where we were), changing plans at short notice, expecting my dh to ferry them to and from etc. So I decided to pull back. I haven't seen them for the last 18 months. To be honest, it annoyed me for a while but I can't say I miss the hassle!

JudgementalSquirrel · 31/12/2017 12:28

I don't have many friends, I am a bit of a loner, but I often worry if I am a stalker, as I always seem to be the one texting first, suggesting meetups (we all have toddlers). They always text back and seem to enjoy my company, but I wonder why they don't text me first. Sometimes they do, so maybe I am being paranoid. I don't have the best self confidence at times!

You sound like a social butterfly, and are obviously very good at getting people together.

lurkingnotlurking · 31/12/2017 12:38

Some of us manage our insecurities by being the organisers. That doesn't make us social butterflies, even if it might appear that way

sonjadog · 31/12/2017 12:45

I have the same role as you in most of my friendships. It can get really draining, I know. A few years ago, I was so fed up with it that I just stopped. Some friends I haven't seen since, but others did eventually take the initiative and our friendships are more equal now. I probably still arrange more, but when it isn´t ALWAYS me, it isn´t so draining. It probably did lead to me having fewer social acitivities, but I didn't mind that.

PrincessoftheSea · 31/12/2017 14:30

I did back off a friend who never tried to organise anything. She nudged me a few times and if it was she was offended I no longer organised her social life

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