AIBU pregnant friend eats overweight/underweight

[oneday123]

AIBU to tell them they are both wrong? So my two best friends are in similar positions, both trying for a baby, both married etc, one is very overweight, the other very underweight, both relationships with food are not healthy.
Im the bit in the middle that has to listen to each of them say how stupid it is that the other one is trying to get pregnant when they are under/over weight. Is it unreasonable of me to tell them they are both unhealthy and should sort their eight issues out before trying?!

It’s for their medical practitioners to say something not you. Just focus on supporting them through their fertility journey.

Yes, they won’t thank you for it. Their GP will give them any advice they need.

Sorry but no way would I comment critically on a friend’s eating habits, that is the way to ruin a friendship. Next time they moan at you about the other one just say you don’t want to discuss them negatively as you know it’s hard for that person.

I thought that might be the response, but I do wonder what the response would have been if I had said one of them smoked or drank. I just find it odd that weight is the thing that we ‘will lose a friendship’ over if we comment on it. I bet if a friend was trying to get pregnant whislt smoking or drinking I’d be given the green light to tell them they need to sort their health out first!

I bet if a friend was trying to get pregnant whislt smoking or drinking I’d be given the green light to tell them they need to sort their health out first!

Bet you wouldn't, well not 100% agreement on it anyway. The general line on here is preaching at people uninvited is crass and best avoided.

Your friends are your friends not pet-project or congregation.

Personally I would be shutting down any conversations speculating on anyone's fertility. It's horribly intrusive. I'm not a fan of discussing others weights or appearances for gossip topics either to be honest.

Honestly I wouldn't like the idea of my 'friends' sitting around discussing my fertility.

I would stay well out of it.

It’s only gossip because they make it gossip, they want the other one to be slagged off effectively. They both know neither of them are ‘healthy’ (whatever that means) and I’m answering my own post here!! Stay out of it I guess! But can’t heko but think the both of them are wrong! Well wrong is a harsh word to use! But I suppose I just think that they should both practice what they preach!

Your best response to either one of them when they start on weight is "I think the advice is that BMI should be between 18-25 for best chance, isn't that right? But you can't talk to people about these things, so best to leave it up to her". Repeat to either party as needed when they start and they'll swiftly turn the subject!

I can't imagine having a conversation about a friend's weight and blaming it for their fertility problems - it's just so nasty. Is that the way you all usually interact - bitching behind each others' backs? Are you happy with that? Because it sounds like these 'friendships' aren't great. Don't you wonder what the two of them say about you when you're not there?

It’s tricky. I have a couple of friends who are very very overweight (BMI of well over 40 - not just carrying a few extra pounds) who are having fertility problems. When they have seen doctors they are always told that the priority would be to lose weight in order to get pregnant and have a healthy pregnancy and they get all annoyed that the doctors aren’t addressing their ‘other issues’. They don’t seem to be able to acknowledge that their other health concerns would probably be markedly improved by losing weight. I find it frustrating that I have to err on the side of caution and try to be really diplomatic when they are complaining about ‘useless doctors’ who I actually agree with! I tend to just say something like ‘It’s a good place to start isn’t it? At least they’ll be more willing to investigate your other problems if you lose some weight’.

I definitely wouldn’t keep your mouth shut if they are bitching about one another but unless they are directly comparing their weight and saying that they are better/healthier than one another, it probably isn’t very tactful to start being critical. Maybe just say something like ‘yes she probably does need to address that, how are you getting on with your fertility issues?’ And redirect a bit.

Honestly I wouldn't like the idea of my 'friends' sitting around discussing my fertility.

Totally agree. I’d just stop engaging with those sort of conversations.

I agree it's tricky as a hypothetical issue, didn'tcomehere - the thing is that obviously it would be better if a woman with a BMI of 40 lost weight before becoming pregnant, but the problem is that getting it down even to 30 is likely to be the work of years not months, and depending on your age spending years without being investigated for other issues may seriously harm your chances of ever having a child, so I can see why they'd be desperate to be checked for other issues - and, after all, it's not like obese women never fall pregnant, so there may indeed be other issues. On the other hand, I see how from the point of view of the NHS it's far better if they can persuade these women to lose weight (I was looking at the 'if your BMI is over 30' page in my maternity notes and it is a lot of extra intervention), and therefore why they emphasise this above all else.

Non-hypothetically, if it was my actual friend, though? I'd be sympathetic and hold my tongue about whether or not she needs to lose weight - after all, you know she's getting that message very forcefully elsewhere. I've had fertility problems and I'm a normal weight, so no one ever suggested that, but in lots of other ways ('you're too stressed about it all') people blamed me, perhaps without meaning to, and it was horrible. Anyone going through fertility difficulties is likely to have plenty of guilt and self-blame already, and I think they need support and love, not people reinforcing that.

Your post title almost sounds like your pregnant friend is eating overweight and underweight people.

Unless you’re actually talking about cannibalism, MYOB.

Trust me. If you are overweight then you will hear about it from GPs, nurses and every other healthcare provider. Overweight people aren’t oblivious to being overweight and they know the health risks. Just be there and be a friend.

This is a tricky one, OP. The doctors will have spoken to them about it, though. In terms of shutting them down when they bitch about the other one, I'd say "I think it affects fertility to be really over or under weight - that's why they recommend a BMI between 18 and 24". I'd really struggle not to say anything if they were slagging someone else off.

Being underweight is more dangerous to pregnancy and ttc than being overweight or low obese. It’s why private ivf clinics can stretch up to bmi 35 but nearly always have a hard minimum bmi limit of 18.

I'm honestly not sure why you would think of getting involved or making any comment on it at all.

I wouldn't want to get involved in discussions.

However I have 2 friends who became unexpectedly pregnant having lost weight. Both had not been able to conceive for considerable number of years.

Losing 10% of your body weight has loads of health benefits if you are above the healthy bmi