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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

WIBU re: Xmas presents

17 replies

genuinequestion · 31/12/2017 00:00

As neutral as possible as I am not person a or b but I am a friend of one.

Person a has 2 dc, divorced from xh (person b) and remarried. Through mutual arrangement and dc preference Xmas is spent at home.

Dc go to xh Boxing Day and do 2nd Xmas, gifts, Xmas dinner etc. Usually all is fine and the arrangement has worked well for many years. Arrangement is not the issue.

This year b has decided that any Xmas present he gives must stay at that house, this is inclusive of books, clothes, toys. A thinks that as presents were given to dc that they should be allowed to take them home if they wish.

WIBU

OP posts:

ohreallyohreallyoh · 31/12/2017 00:02

I would agree with you as a general rule. However, if one parent isn’t particularly co-operative, it can be easier to leave a few items permanently in one place so there is something to play with or wear in both houses at all times.

TyneTeas · 31/12/2017 00:02

Other than C/mas, what is the usual residence split?

hesterton · 31/12/2017 00:03

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Couchpotato3 · 31/12/2017 00:06

Does a let the children take their personal things to b's house routinely?

Do the children have clothes/toys etc at b's house? Perhaps b wants to feel that his house is as much of a home as a's place? Give the children something to look forward to when they go to his house? I can see his point, to be honest.

KeepServingTheDrinks · 31/12/2017 00:06

I know two similar situations, so you can take whatever applies to you...

The first is my DM when the kids (mine and my DSis's) were young would buy them lots of presents for b.day and christmas and some would be for the children to take home and some would be to keep at her house. Her reasoning was that (a) she saw the children regularly and (b) she wanted them to be excited about coming to her (and dad's) house and to look forward to it and she saw part of that as her having 'special' toys that they only got there. Also my folks used to have a big house, so these were often large-sized toys which I was certainly grateful not to have cluttering up my much smaller house. I think it pissed by DSis off a bit though.

Situation 2 is a controlling bastard ex of my lovely cousin gives his kid amazing presents which he has to leave at ex's house, and gets almost no/severely limited use out of because the ex would rather spite my cousin than be a decent father.

MyKingdomForBrie · 31/12/2017 00:08

Nothing wrong with A having an opinion but it’s up to him in the end.

I would never have done this with my dsds, anything they wanted to take home to mum’s was theirs to take.

Original poster

genuinequestion · 31/12/2017 00:09

Usual split is sporadic at best, b is infrequent and often disinterested, I am actually a friend of b and find his behaviour odd which is why I ask.
Dc are 10 and 13, my question care about after seeing dcs bags being searched before they left to go home and shouted at for taking presents.

OP posts:

Original poster

genuinequestion · 31/12/2017 00:10

@KeepServingTheDrinks unfortunately ok learning my friend is more like your second scenario :/ some behaviour has come to light recently to make me question the friendship

OP posts:

Maybe83 · 31/12/2017 00:10

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

HouseworkIsAPain · 31/12/2017 00:22

B sounds unreasonable in this case.

Toys and clothes move between mine and exes house depending on what the DC want to do with their things.

I find that my DC are attached to certain toys as it helps their transition between houses. To say that things can only ever stay and be used at one house seems counter-intuitive to me, as that then makes it about mum and dads home, rather than the DC home - ie if it were truly the DC home, they could choose where to have things (does that make sense?).

However we are pragmatic about moving things around - eg ex will bring clothes washed back to me and I will do the same for him. If DC loses a charger, one of us will quite happily drop it over to the others house.

Saltandsauce · 31/12/2017 00:22

It depends on how things work normally through the year, perhaps ur friend buys a lot of things that never come back and he doesn’t see it again, so is just making sure they stay at his. It’s odd behaviour though, and I’m sure he’ll soon find out that the kids don’t like it!!
My mother in law used to say this about presents she bought my son, for both birthdays and xmas. He wasn’t allowed to bring them home, because she babysat once a week and ‘had nothing for him to play with’, which was bullshit, she was constantly buying for him!! Made for very awkward times, until my son was about 5 and declared that he was just taking them home anyway!

Such a shame for the kids if they’re being shouted at for taking their own stuff with them, it’s not fair on them :(

LegallyBrunet · 31/12/2017 00:22

I can see both sides. When my parents split, anything we wanted to take home from my dad's we could, anything we wanted to leave we could. This is because my parents were very co-operative. On the other hand my OH's ex is very controlling and anything his son takes back home with him has never been seen again so OH does try to limit what goes back with him, otherwise OH is spending a fortune on toys that he's never going to get to see his son play with as they'll have all disappeared home to his Ex. OH's son is only three if that helps

KeepServingTheDrinks · 31/12/2017 00:31

Searching their bags and shouting at them is horrible. Sorry, OP but your "D"friend is sounding pretty unreasonable.

How did he justify it to you?

Also, at 10 and 13, he's not got long before they start to be able to vocalize their opinions plainly and eloquently. Not to mention voting with their feet.

Julie8008 · 31/12/2017 00:38

It might be unreasonable, it might not. So many different variables. Until they are older its a parents call and I can see a scenario where it would be fair for the kids to leave presents at fathers house.

They do have to live in both places and its not always practical to carry a suitcase full of toys every time you are visiting the other parent.

I can also imagine expensive electronic items being restricted to the house as its not worth the risk moving them around all the time.

MissEliza · 31/12/2017 00:44

Surely if the gifts are given to the children it's up to them to decide? Otherwise it's not really a gift.

EasterRobin · 31/12/2017 00:56

If they can't be moved, they're not really regular gifts as the recipient doesn't get to own and control them. But I don't see a problem when my DD's grandparents give her "gift" toys that are for her to play with and leave at their house, on the condition that they are clear with her on this before she sees the gift (so she doesn't think it is "hers" in the usual sense). So I'm with B on this one as long as it is clear to the kids from the outset.

Julie8008 · 31/12/2017 00:56

Surely if the gifts are given to the children it's up to them to decide?

But given that logic then parents shouldn't be allowed to take toys off children for being naughty, or stop them giving them away to friends etc.

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