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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

How do I actually leave??

11 replies

adviceneeded566 · 30/12/2017 21:00

Sorry to post in AIBU, but I just need advice fast and there's always traffic here...

I want to leave OH. The reasons why don't really matter at this point, but I actually have no idea how I go about it and really need advice.

Our home is in his name, we have DC 5months old. I don't have enough to rent privately, I'm currently on maternity leave.
My only family is DM, but although we get on to some extent, it's not enough for me to move back in with her, and practically speaking it's not doable (she has a dog that I'm not happy about DC living with, and she hasn't really got the space for us).

What do I do? If we break up, where do I go? How do I even go about putting my name down for housing? How long would that take?
Does it make more sense to start that ball rolling before I tell OH that I'm leaving??

Sorry for all the questions - has anyone got any advice or been in this situation??

Thank you!

OP posts:

inmyshoos · 30/12/2017 21:06

Is your home bought or rented? Are you married?
If it's solely his house and not married perhaps citizens advice would be able to give you practical advice.
It's so difficult with a young baby. I was once in exactly thus position and made bad choices. Ended up jumping very quickly to a new relationship because it was a way out of a bad situation but in hindsight a really bad decision. I was really vulnerable and probably had a degree post natal depression. Dont make same mistake i did!

Is there no chance you can work this out? If not I'd try citizens advice? It might be you need to bide your time and save a bit of money for a rented place. As a single parent you will get some help unless you are a big earner. Good luck. X

BabyLlama · 30/12/2017 21:07

Contact Shelter or Women's Aid for advice. I think they will be better able to help you. I hope it all turns out well for you and your child, and I know it's scary as hell when you're on your own. I've been through similar myself, but please ask for help if you're really that unhappy.

Tara336 · 30/12/2017 21:10

I’ve been in the situation of wanting to leave (and did) but it took m3 a while to try and get the courag3 to do it. In the end can honestly say I’m glad I did even though it was tough the first year things have got better and 4 years on I can say it was worth it

Original poster

adviceneeded566 · 30/12/2017 21:15

inmyshoos

We're not married and the mortgage is OH's, I just pay him half of all outgoings each month, and have done for the last 5 years. I'm angry now at not having my name on it.
It's not that I don't want to work it out, but he has an addiction that had been managed and had now resurfaced. I don't feel like I can do anymore than I have. I have been patient and forgiving too many times, now we have DC my patience has run short.

OP posts:

Lifeisabeach09 · 30/12/2017 21:26

Do you have any savings for deposit on a new place?
You'll be able to claim HB (or universal credit) depending on your area but you'll likely to need a guarantor (UK home owner) to help you rent a place.
It will take years on the council house waiting list unless you can prove he kicked you out (and are homeless!!) Speak to your local council and CAB.

inmyshoos · 30/12/2017 21:57

Maybe you should see a solicitor? I'm not sure but having paid into the mortgage surely you should be entitled to something? I don't know. Seems unfair otherwise.

If he was decent he would move out and sort out his addiction problem and let you and his child remain in the house.

NC4now · 30/12/2017 21:59

I left while I was on mat leave and was able to claim income support and housing benefit till I went back to work.
That was 10 years ago, but give the Jobcentre a ring and check your eligibility.

Namechanger2015 · 30/12/2017 22:06

Maybe you should see a solicitor? I'm not sure but having paid into the mortgage surely you should be entitled to something? I don't know. Seems unfair otherwise.

As you are not married you would not be entitled to any of the house despite contributing.

I would strongly suggest reaching an amicable agreement without solicitors mediating this (but get them to draw up a final contract if needed). Based on my personal experience they are up what little funds I had and prolonged the financial proceedings hugely. If you are not married you have very little claim to his finances and will need to plan accordingly.

Get hold of bank statements and his payslips if you’re can do you can at least claim for child maintenance for your DD.

Good luck x

Salvadore · 30/12/2017 22:09

I almost want to suggest getting married so you're entitled to more tbh. At least a proper claim on the house, more of a chance of staying in it with dc.

PenelopeStoppit · 30/12/2017 22:21

My name wasn't on our house deeds (complicated and not entirely my fault) but I spoke to a solicitor and did manage to get back what I had paid in, which had been the full mortgage for the few years we were together. Yes, there were fees but the main issue was I had to wait over a year to get the money back. In the meantime I was able to live with family. Unless there is violence, in which case call Women's Aid as suggested before, go and see a solicitor for free advice, but be prepared as it can take a while to get your money.

ClaudiaD13 · 30/12/2017 22:35

When I left my Ex I started by secretly getting a bank account and mobile phone (mine were all in his name). I then started claiming benefits as a single person (you are allowed to do this so long as you sleep in separate rooms, I started sleeping on the sofa) that way I was able to build a small stash of my own money. By this point he understood I was planning to leave but I don't think he believed I would actually go through with it. I was terrified. I hired a van put my stuff in and basically drove over 200 miles to my parents house. It was far from ideal but my best option. I then contacted the local council about a house. As we were classed as overcrowded at my parents we were highish priority. I was very fortunate and got the first house I bid on within a week of being accepted onto the list. Not all areas of the country have massive waiting lists for houses. The whole process from deciding to leave to actually leaving took a few months.

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