I need help to live rather than the just exist but don't know where to start

[Newyearnewlifehelp]

Name changed.
Long long story but I need to change my life. I'm sick of existing rather than living and can't go on like this anymore.

As much as I had two loving parents growing up I didn't have an easy childhood due to the death of my sister and the inevitable parent depression that followed.
The situation at home wasn't great and basically by the time I left home at 16 my parents were barely even speaking and I left to escape it.

I moved straight from my parents into a relationship which very quickly turned toxic. I stayed initially because I had no where to go and later because I was trapped. It took me years to get away and by the time I did I was suffering from awful anxiety and in debt run up as a result of a partner who walked in and out of work and in contact with no family or friends and two children and serious health issues including multiple surgeries.

Years on the children are young teens and I have struggled through as a single mother in low paid work around the children one of whom has SN. We had a rough couple of years where the dc with SN was horrendous, basically violent,disruptive and abusive and lied constantly and argued continually but we have got mostly through it although they are still very hard work.

I basically feel like I have spent the last twenty years of my life in an unhappy, awful scared state of anxiety. I still have various health conditions and am in pain most days.

I can't get funding to go back to uni as I started again under the false start rule due to medical issues and then husband pulled a stunt meaning I had to stop because he wanted to go so I am stuck. I have tried to get funding for an adult apprentice with no luck because of the uni funding.

I just feel stuck. I can't see a way out and I am absolutely sick of living like this. I'm sick of being scared. I'm sick of struggling, while seeing seeing him all over Facebook (the kids have him on there) on nights out constantly and meals out while I'm still repaying money from when we were together (having to pay minimum amounts) and he pays nothing. He pays nothing towards the kids as he works cash in hand and does nothing for them at all.

I need to stop living in the past and start living but I've no idea how to pull myself from the hole I am in.

Help!

If you are on FB (don't be fooled by the fake personas in there) have a look for local friendship groups.

Talk to your manager at work about taking in some extra tasks and make sure they know you are keen to learn and improve yourself.

Depending on the size of your employer/organisation - they may pay towards the apprenticeship levy, which means they have a pot of money that can only be spent on apprenticeship qualifications. If they don't spend this taking in new apprentices, then they can use it for current employees.

If they don't pay the levy, then they (or you) only have to contribute 10% of the costs. This could be (for example) a leadership at level 5 or even an apprenticeship degree - which would cost £27k over 5 years, with the employer/or you putting in 10%. £2700 over 5 years.

What about taking up a hobby locally to meet people and help boost your confidence.

Good luck x

Gosh, OP, you have had a shit time, no wonder you are at the end if your tether.
If your kids are teenage there is light at the end of the tunnel, and you can start to plan. Make sure you are signed up for whatever services are available so that it is clear that your child with SN will be moving into supported living or whatever and you will not be a carer forever. Make sure the other one has a plan for college etc. (sorry, but I see too many young people still keeping their single mum trapped when they are in their 20s, because they won't/can't leave home. Then you have a horizon for 'after parenting', in 4/5 years time.

Can you go out and leave them yet? Try to get at least some points in the week for going out to do something you enjoy. You say you can't go to Uni, but are there training opportunities where you are? Chances to progress into management etc? Going to an evening class sets a great example for your kids too.

Make some demands on your ex, maybe reconnect with your parents if you can, but on the basis that if you don't ask you don't get, not that you are needy or dependent- clearly you are not. You are a fantastic independent woman raising your kids and doing a great job.

Find out what will help your health conditions and maybe join self-help groups to be as well as you can be.

Get some financial advice. You might be better off going bankrupt/IVA/DRO to give you a financial fresh start. Or not, there are pros and cons.

Why are you feeling scared? You are an amazing person doing the toughest job in the world and doing it well. Now you just need to move yourself up your own priority list.

Big hugs and happy New Year!

Thank you.
The job I am in I am subcontracted so no chance of moving up or promotion or training. I'm trying to find a new position (goal for 2018) but unfortunately current position means I am always home for the SN dc when they get back from school.

I am back in contact with my parents but they are elderly and have enough stress without mine. If I do say anything stressful my Mum will say she needs to go and hang up the phone. My Dad has pts and both are depressed so they do help but not much they can do.

In terms of scared it's constant. Usually related to exh. When he messages the kids (rarely and always out of the blue) my heart beats fast and I physically shake. I have awful anxiety so every time I sort one thing out my head moves to another. I have seen the GP for this but have other health issues including one which the gp says causes the anxiety to be worse. (B12 issues)

I did debate applying just for the maintenance loan part of the student loan and using that for fees but I've been told that I would need to do some kind of refresher first as it's so long ago.

I would like to do an access course but again doubt I could get funding.