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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Husband's day out

22 replies

CablesCables · 30/12/2017 15:28

Husband arranged to do an activity with a friend this morning, and then arranged they'd go to the pub for lunch. I woke up this morning with a bug - aching all over, banging head, feeling sick and the runs (sorry for tmi). Husband could have done the activity and then come home to help me with the kids (all under 5, so not easy to leave to their own devices) which is what I would have done. Instead he has done the activity for longer than planned, and in a text sent at 3.15pm, has just ordered lunch. AIBU to be really pissed off? He said he'd be back early afternoon so I could go to bed. Instead I'll have to cook the kids tea, even though the thought of food is turning my stomach, and it's debatable whether he'll be back to do bedtime.

For context, this is all part of a long running argument about how whenever I'm ill I never get to be ill, while he takes to his bed and ignores everything and everybody else when he's ill. If he dares complain if I spend tomorrow in bed, I might actually send him to his mother's.

OP posts:

luckiestgirl · 30/12/2017 15:30

I’d be fuming

Original poster

CablesCables · 30/12/2017 15:33

I am fuming. In a very quiet, no energy kind of way.

I didn't object to doing the first bit of his day, that was long arranged and money had been paid, but he could have come straight back. It's not a friend he never sees.

OP posts:

Silverthorn · 30/12/2017 15:34

Yanbu.
No idea how you can fix your husband. Can you get a relative to help? Next time he's I'll I would return the favour.

Crunchymum · 30/12/2017 15:36

So not only is he absent but he has taken longer than he would usually?

That's a bit cunty of him

Iloveacurry · 30/12/2017 15:37

Stay in bed tomorrow, let him deal with the kids (or send him to his mother’s with the kids). Hope you feel better soon.

Nquartz · 30/12/2017 15:44

He is so selfish! He is deliberately taking longer to avoid helping, what kind of a husband/dad does that?

Rhetorical question, a shitty one.

Original poster

CablesCables · 30/12/2017 15:45

I plan on not getting up tomorrow, regardless of how I'm feeling.

When I say I never get to be ill when I'm ill, part of it is him also miraculously getting what I have at the same time but far worse, and the other part is guilt tripping because he has work to do, and his job is driving him to a nervous breakdown.

I'm beginning to have real doubts about the manchild.

OP posts:

whatisforteamum · 30/12/2017 16:14

I feel for you.my dh arranged.to go out with friends x mass eve despite.me saying could he please.be home as I was working all Xmas day and week including new years eve and day.he got drunk and abusive calling me a bitch.Nice way to spend the first Xmas since dad died recently.
Now I'm unwell and he is away for six days despite my protests.I'm on 14 hour days.He needs a rest!!! Day off sick for me and no chores getting done.Stay in bed as many days as you like OP.get well soon.

ReanimatedSGB · 30/12/2017 16:18

Stuff like this really makes you reconsider whether it's worth keeping the marriage going. At least if you are a single parent you aren't constantly, desperately hoping that the man will actually show you some consideration for once. Ask yourself what he actually brings to the family - is it anything other than money? Does he pull anything like his weight in terms of housework and childcare? If not, start work on getting rid of him - selfish, lazy men actually generate a lot more domestic work for their partners, and even if you have small children, getting rid of the man can make life easier.

ClaudiaFringe · 30/12/2017 16:20

I can relate to this. My ex had no sympathy when I was ill (or indeed if I just wasn't coping for any reason) and seemed to resent helping out, looking after me, etc.

I have a theory that I represented not just his wife but a mother figure in that a child never has to be strong for the mother, whereas the mother is always strong for the child. On the occasions when I really needed his support, he just couldn't accept that I wasn't coping and I always had to look within to get through.

I hope you get better soon.

crunched · 30/12/2017 16:25

Don't just stay in bed tomorrow. Leave the house and leave him to deal with everything.
Spoil yourself. I think we can be our own worst enemy thinking men can't cope mostly because they never have too, so make sure he does have to.

Mustang27 · 30/12/2017 16:26

Everything on here. I completely sympathise and wish I had the strength to walk away from mine most of the time life would be far easier.

Original poster

CablesCables · 30/12/2017 16:29

Yes, this is the main thing that gets to me. He's a complete hypochondriac who expects sympathy, yet is incapable/unwilling to give sympathy himself. I blame his mother, and the poser above who said she felt like a mother figure, I think that's partly the case here. His mum completely indulges him when he's ill, ringing in hushed tones to check on him as if he's dying, when he's actually just got a cold.

He does bring a lot to the marriage, and when things are good, they're really good. But I think he sees himself as the most important person in the house, and that's something that has to change or there won't be a marriage. It's not like I don't have enough money to spend,and I do get time to myself, but the words don't always go along with the gestures. He ignores the little things (like me going to bed when ill) in favour of expensive meals and spa days. That's lovely, but when I'm dead on my feet,I just want somebody to cook for the kids and make their beds.

OP posts:

Original poster

CablesCables · 30/12/2017 16:30

Poster above, sorry, not poser!

OP posts:

FittonTower · 30/12/2017 16:32

My husband always talks himself into getting the same symptoms as me when I'm ill. It's always "us" that are ill when I'm ill. Infuriating isn't It?

ClaudiaFringe · 30/12/2017 16:41

I hope you manage to convey just how his behaviour affects the marriage and I hope he recognises how important it is to change how he behaves.

For me, it was the same - when I was in tip-top condition all was fine, but I ended up feeling let down by him when I really needed him - he couldn't be there for me.

Now I've split I can honestly say that life is no harder - when I'm ill I just get through as I always did.

I hope you manage to sort it out though. Best of luck.

Original poster

CablesCables · 30/12/2017 18:51

DD has just puked on him. Is it wrong that I'm slightly laughing on the inside?

(I should add, I've checked, she's ok, probably got what I've got, tends to bounce back quickly from illness.)

OP posts:

ChristmasAtSquiffanys · 30/12/2017 18:56

Karma!

ReanimatedSGB · 30/12/2017 18:57

Yeah, it's a huge problem and a very common one, that men consider themselves the person in the household, and their partners and DC as accessories/support staff. It is partly because of thousands of years of society being run on exactly those lines: men are people/people are men, women are assistant people and children are children.

Giraffesarequitetall · 30/12/2017 19:02

Not wrong at all to be laughing on the inside! It is well deserved 😂

I hope you are feeling better soon and that he steps up.

GertrudeCB · 30/12/2017 19:03

Hope you feel better soon op.
What a fucking manchild .
You need to consider - how would he be if you were really ill? Or became disabled ?

Original poster

CablesCables · 30/12/2017 19:28

I have asked what would happen if I was seriously ill, or (hopefully not for a while!) dead, but he turns the onverdation jokey. Kids would eat nothing but pizza, he'd need a full time housekeeper, DDs would have to have their heads shaved as he wouldn't know how to tie their hair back. Thing is, that's what would happen. He wouldn't cope. He wouldn't know where half the stuff in the house is, the contact details for schools and nursery, who the kids friends are, whose clothes are whose. He wouldn't be able to organise Christmas or birthdays. He manages the finances and the cars, that's it. And he's good at those things. But I'd certainly cope better if he wasn't around than he would if I wasn't around.

OP posts:

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