I grew up in a “Christian” madhouse. This one incident should be sufficient to illustrate: aged twelve I was sent to stay with family friends for Christmas. The father, a pastor in his 40’s, tried to kiss and grope me every time his wife's back was turned. I managed to sneak a call to my mum, (this was before mobiles) told her what was happening and that I wanted to come home. She said it would look bad if I left early.
A few months later when he raped a parishioner, she wondered out loud why he allowed The Devil to use him in this way.
We were taught to forgive, have faith and trust in God’s will along with sermons on the importance of keeping ourselves covered so as not to tempt men. I vividly recall a sermon on the evils of “slingback” shoes, the bare heel being such a temptation.
After a lifetime of scapegoating and gaslighting I ended all contact with my mother and two sisters (who are also very religious) two years ago. It took lots of therapy and self reflection to sort myself out and it's an ongoing process.
I still see my brother Tom regularly. At short notice he and his girlfriend asked if they could come for Christmas. I suspected that it was because he had fallen out with my mother but didn't ask.
At one point he told me why he had not gone to my mother's. Most of the time she is a kindly old lady but if you cross her she can be vicious.
In response to my brother Tom asking her if our eldest brother Rob is his full brother (Rob is a half brother but in fifty years no one ever told Tom) she responded by yelling that he (Tom) was the product of a violent rape that my (now dead) father wanted her to abort him and that is why he (Tom) has grown up to be a violent person (Tom has served time for assault). Tom cried for days, he had idolised our father.
This is typical of her, even innocuous remarks or questions can trigger her outbursts. She will rant scream and usually collapse in tears of self-pity. From what I knew of my father I suspect the facts are true, but why choose to tell Tom now?
I really don't want to hear about her. I think, having seen my progress, he is wrestling with ending contact with her himself (or drastically reducing it). He passed on birthday cards from my mother and sisters’ something I have asked him not to do (they do not have my address).
I can't tell him whether to stop contact with his own mother. But I do want him to stop acting as her 'flying monkey’. I don't want to drop him too as I am fond of him.
AIBU asking him not to complain about our mother to me?