AIBU telling ds I'm too busy?

[laura6032]

So one of these articles I read explained about 5 or 7 things you should never say to your child - for fear of the child having serious psychological problems in adult life 😕
So AIBU to tell my ds (4) sorry dear I'm too busy making dinner/hoovering/insert other to play with you right now, I'll do it with you later!!

Am I causing serious psychological problems or just a simple fact of life that sometimes people are busy doing other things??

Hmmmm

I'd guess it depends how many times you say it.

I'd say it if cooking and tell them to go and see dad and vice versa. If doing housework I'd stop rather than say it.

I wouldn't say it's psychologically scarred me but I can remember my mum doing this a lot and me being upset by it.
I just wanted her to play with me but she was always busy

I think DCs need to understand that sometimes there are things in your life that are more important than them. It's up to you to decide what those things are, but putting food on the table at reasonably regular intervals would fall into that category for me.

I just don’t use the phrase ‘I’m too busy’. It feels a bit unkind, like they’re low on your priority list. (I’m probably over sensitive though)

I just say instead ‘I’m doing the hoovering right now, then I can play with you’.

Given I work full time and study for my degree. And DH works full time and studies for his professional qualification...then actually yes, sometimes I am too busy to stop and play. They can come and talk to me as I clean or cook, but no. I won’t just stop to play and I will say I’m too busy.

And I’m sure at times, they just see me sitting and drinking a cup of tea when I say that, but because they’re children what they don’t see is the fact that that is the first time since I woke at 6am that I have literally just stopped...not sat down to drive, again, or engage with people or have any demands. They also don’t see that that will be the only time in that day I’ll do that...

But kids need to know they aren’t the centre of the world. That sometimes we can’t put their immediate needs first, because we are busy putting their long term needs first. If I’m exhausted and distracted because I didn’t take five minutes the day before, and then I end up crying in the corner because (as has happened before) I’m so tired it physically hurts, everyone is making demands of me...that’s not good for them.

I do read them a bed time story every night, and make sure they each get ten minutes interrupted to talk and hopefully play every day. But that’s sometimes the best I can do.

And I don’t feel guilty one little it. Quality over quantity. And I don’t worry they’ll end up scarred for life, on the contrary, they’re learning that if you want something in life sometimes you have to wait, and everything requires work.

And because you can’t bloody edit on here, weekends is a different story. I work so hard all week so at least three out of four weekends I can give them pretty much unlimited time.

It's all a balance isn't it.

Sometimes you're too busy, sometimes you're not.

Sometimes you can say 'I have to get this done, play in here and keep me company'.

I say 'I'm just doing this can you give me two minutes?' (or however long). I think it's work quite well as DS (2.5) now sort of understands the concept of waiting for 'two minutes' to get what he wants, which surely is a good thing?

depends on what it was i was doing, as PP said, if it was housework then I'd stop or get them involved with it with me. No child grows up remembering how clean their house was and being happy for it as opposed to remembering how much fun mum and dad were to be with.

I think the crucial thing is to make sure that "later" comes. You could also try to get the child involved in the task e.g. if it's washing up, offer them something non-breakable and a teatowel and say "let's do this together so mummy can finish more quickly, then we can do together.

Benign neglect is the way forward

I am sure it's not great for kids to have their parents' undivided attention at all times!

Mine is older . There is a difference between never and when I have finished this . I also say I am busy but available if you need help. Sometimes the world doesn’t revolve around them . That’s an important lesson to .

Too busy doing what and for what?

Too busy to listen to a problem or to talk - no.
Too busy to play for the 100th time with the lego - ok.
Too busy to help with homework - no.

Too busy making dinner - ok.
Too busy on facebook - no.

Yes it depends on the age too!

At age 4, you need a break sometimes as a parent

At age 14, the rare times DS1 wants to ask me something/talk about school or problems....I am all ears

I suppose it's the generic answer too.
"I'm too busy" sounds dismissive, while "I'm too busy right now, give me 5/10 min" should be fine.

Or:
Too busy to attend your school play - no.
I have this important meeting that I can't change and can't attend you school play - not great, but at least they know the actual reason.

It's quite a difficult one, cos you want to be able to be there when the y want you, but it must be valuable for them to understand that they can't have attention all the time, or they would be in for a shock later in life.

Suppose as most say, it's prioritising, do they really need me right this second when I'm in middle of cleaning out cat litter.

I used to do a compromise with ds if i was busy with lots to do. Eg would spend some time doing of my stuff but agree with him 'give me 15 mins to finish this' then he gets undivided attention for whatever he wants. If after that he wants to go onto something else i would say 'ok let me go do xxx' then we can do your thing'.
Was almost taking turns between what i needed to get done but also doing his stuff.
Its a hard juggling act sometimes