To not refer to children as beautiful / handsome

[Luckymummy22]

I just don’t like kids being defined by their looks.

My DD is often told she’s ‘beautiful’ by others and I just cringe lol.
It’s not something I ever do past baby years.
And what is beautiful anyway? Everyone has their own perception.

I think my girl is the most gorgeous girlie ever and my boy the most handsome but that’s because they’re mine and I love them to bits.

It's up to you but it's not something most people can get worked up about. What is the problem anyway? Most people barring your immediate family won't give a shiny shit about your dc, so calling them cute, pretty, handsome etc is just a filler.

My 3yo DS has huge blue eyes and blond ringlets - he looks like an actual cherub. I get LOTS of comments about how beautiful SHE is (especially on holiday in Italy, for some reason). I’ve learned to just smile and say ‘You are, aren’t you DSname’.

Entirely your choice

I can't see how you could be unreasonable whether your chose to or not.

You can called a child beautiful and not define them by their looks. I call my 2 beautiful, I also call them clever and strong and funny and awesome. Occasionally I call them smelly little terrors when they're getting on my nerves.

I call my beautiful and gorgeous. And funny, clever, wonderful.
They're teenagers. Not sure what's wrong with it.

It's nice to call them that and make them feel good. I'm not going to describe how gorgeous my dc are though and harp on about the colour of their hair and how everyone loves them 😆 jeez

Being complimented on one's looks isn't defining. Take a minute to think about it, following your logic anybthruw away compliment e.g.youMre so smart, you run really fast etc. Would 'define' you. Utter nonsense. Only praising your child on one aspect of their person (regardless of whether it is looks or personality traits or intellect or talks to etc) is a problem of course but complimenting a child on their appearance in general does no harm. Find a different high horse to mount.

I think seeing this as 'defining your DC by their looks' might be reading too much into a conversational pleasantry. Happy children are always nice to see - people complimenting your DC would probably say the same of any well cared for child. Accept the compliments in the good spirit they were made.

Can you not call them beautiful and clever and kind and wonderful and funny and intelligent and....?

By your own argument they can be multiple things so it it seems a bit silly to exclude one thing when you could tell them they’re all nice things!

You also can’t control what other people say, there’s no point. As long as you’re covering all bases, there shouldn’t be a problem.

I try not to tell DD she is beautiful all the time and praise her for being brave/strong/clever/funny instead because everyone else cannot stop gushing about how gorgeous she is. I've had several people who say they are never usually enamoured with babies tell me she is the most beautiful baby they have ever seen, strangers come over to coo over her and tell us how beautiful she is. She gets more comments about her looks than most children because she is mixed race so I am conscious to emphasise her other qualities and not fixate on her appearance as others do. I don't take offence when people tell me she is beautiful though, because she is and it's not a bad thing, it's only negative if the child internalises beauty being the most important thing about themselves. I think this is especially important for girls in our looks obsessed society, that they value their other qualities from an early age.

My dd is beautiful! So is ds but people stop me to say how beautiful dd is! It's lovely to hear!

I do tell my son and daughter that they are gorgeous! I also tell them it's more important to be happy than beautiful! My 3 year old dd says this to people too!

How would you feel if someone said you are looking gorgeous or beautiful? Would it upset you? Would it lighten your day? If the latter, is it wrong to shield your child from such comments.

As long as you call all of your children beautiful it’s fine. The minute you only refer to one of them as such (perhaps due to narrow beauty standards) you are causing problems.

I call both my boys beautiful. DS1 sometimes gets called handsome by other people. I don't worry about it as DH and I and others also tell him he's good/ clever/ kind/ sensible/ funny etc. I think I might worry about it more if he was a girl as society in general is so much more inclined to judge women on their looks, but I certainly wouldn't want to let a girl think she wasn't pretty/ beautiful - I'd just try to make sure she had confidence in her other attributes as well.

Honestly, growing up feeling confident in your looks is a huge boon. It helps with confidence generally - so long as, as PPs have pointed out, it's not the only thing your DC get praised for.

I disagree, society and the media try very hard to ensure peoples' self esteem is low. It tells them they need to be slim, have clear skin, shiny hair, straight teeth and inevitably people feel crap. I think making them feel secure in their looks, and whatever what possible helps.

There was a thread on here once about the lovely things we remember being told in our childhood and loads of them were things like I was told I was beautiful/pretty/etc.

I do tell my own kids they are beautiful. Sorry never explained that properly. I just don’t do it with other people’s kids.

When some random stranger tells me that my girl (not a baby) is beautiful - well it’s not something I would do

My parents never told me i was beautiful (I wasnt). I tell my boys they are beautiful all the time.

It's just random chit chat from strangers though, or the 'polite' thing to say.

The majority of kids will have parents who have uploaded a shit ton of photos to FB/Instagram by the time the child is old enough to walk.

They'll be full of 'Gawjus hun' comments, hearts and likes.

So you not commenting on other people's kids is going to make zero difference anyway.

Could be worse, I hate it when people tell DS he's "cheeky", I think cheeky generally equals little shit bag and he isn't one.

I call DS beautiful all the time. I call him lots of other things too. There nothing inherently wrong with it.

I sort of agree OP - I have 2 DDs and want to call them beautiful all the time - I do of course but try to give them lots of other compliments to balance out. I feel the constant focus on looks is damaging. Though I don't get too worked up if someone else says it, unless they say it more to one DD than the other looking at you DM

NB (slightly off topic I know) there is evidence that calling someone clever all the time is also very demotivating, it's far more motivating and encouraging to point out how hard they have worked on something. I was called clever a lot as a child and far more insecure about my intelligence than looks.

I can't get that friggin James Blunt song out of my head now

Why are you looking for something to be offended by?! And of a compliment too. The mind boggles.

I tell my DS he’s beautiful (he is a very cute little boy) but also kind, sweet, clever, funny, tries hard. I do try to focus on the things he has worked on (e.g being polite, his reading) rather than what I perceive to be inate positive traits.

As a child I was told I was beautidal a lot: when puberty hit and terrible acne, I felt I was no longer ‘beautiful’. People stopped telling me I was and I felt I had failed. Now as an adult I am told I’m ‘beautiful’ again and it’s a strange feeling. I wouldn’t want DS feeling the way I did so for me it’s important that my messaging is consistent and unconditional if that makes sense.