Punishment

[Ifyoubuildit]

AIBU to think this punishment for my teenage daughter is a bit much.

14 yo daughter took spare keys to grandparents house without telling us (grandparents are away). Met with her new boyfriend and took him there, lying to us about where she was (she told us she'd gone to a local cafe with him). When we found her out she carried on lying to try and cover up.

She's normally such a good and sensible girl, this has really shocked us.

It's her birthday the week after next and DH has told her no presents from us. This seems very harsh to me even though I'm furious with her but I can't think of a better punishment and I don't want to undermine him.

AIBU to think he's being harsh?

What she did was very wrong and she definitely needs to see consequences but I don't agree with removing a child's birthday presents.

Your DH shouldn't have made this pronouncement without discussing it with you first.

I hope your daughter is on the pill.

Also agree with Pengggwn, you need to have a chat about contraception.

I’m torn because I agree that birthdays are special, but the deception and betrayal is pretty spectacular so I’d be inclined to agree with your husband purely because rewarding such behaviour isn’t a good idea.

You say 'your' daughter, is she not also your Dh's daughter?

Let her have her presents, you don't want to turn her against you right now. Sometimes punishment is not needed, she's punished herself with the anxiety she's now under and needs to know that you are there for her and will help. I can you chat with her 1:1 and make an action plan?

She is 14, not 4. I think the deception, lying and betrayal of your trust (and her grandparents' trust) needs a very immediate and severe sanction. I agree with your dh.

Besides a conversation about contraception I think you might have stern words with her about how wrong it was to have entered someone's house without their permission. It was a gross intrusion and I hope that doesn't get lost in reprimands about sneakiness & sex. Agree with others about not witholding the presents.

We've had "the" talk with her and asked if we needed to take her to the chemist. She was absolutely mortified but I genuinely don't think she did it for this reason. She's very body conscious and quite shy. I was really angry that she'd put herself in such a vulnerable position. We do know the boy and his parents and he seems nice but still...

I agree with your DH. She would be grounded for a very long time too. That is such deceitful behaviour. Her grandparents must feel terrible too.

I would also ask grandparents to make sure nothing is missing from their home.

I wouldn't take away presents or her birthday, but she would be grounded for a month with no privileges like after school fun clubs or weekend outings.
I wouldn't be so convinced she isn't sexually active because of her body consciousness -if she feels comfortable enough with her boyfriend she may be. They wanted an empty house for a reason. Glad you have had the contraception chat, hopefully she is telling you the truth.
I might think about ringing his parents too.

She'd be grounded with no contact with the bf, he is clearly a bad influence. Wouldn't believe a word she says about what she was doing with the bf - you have to assume they were having sex and take her to the docs to get her checked out. Give her one present for her b'day and keep the others on hold until she has served her time.

I speak from personal experience of a teenage DD doing this sought of thing. We didn't come down hard enough quick enough and she ended up with a (treatable) STD.

Yes DH is her dad. He's so upset with her as they're really close. He can hardly look her in the eye. It's sad to see. I think his disappointment has really got to her, which is no bad thing.

A nice discussion with the Grandparents about how disappointed and upset they are should shame her more.

And I agree - that trust is now broken.

This is a massive thing to lie about. It doesnt sound like you're getting it.

I would be giving her her presents.

But I would be taking her phone off her for a month.

I really am getting it but I think taking the presents away isn't right and I can't put my finger on why. I'd prefer a grounding or no phone punishment (or both). Or something different. I can't really undermine DH though.

Also, she's feeling hard done by now because there was a present she REALLY wanted that's gone back to the shop so I don't think we can reverse that decision.

It's a huge betrayal of trust and probably leaves you wondering what else she has been up to. Normally I'm one to say you can't cancel birthdays etc but one parent I spoke to did for something of a similar scale and it worked.

Maybe she loses her phone, grounded for a while and gets token birthday presents but her big presents will be given when she's done her time.