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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Is my dh trying to prevent me learning Spanish?

31 replies

Bubbaleo · 30/12/2017 08:28

I am learning to speak spanish with an app on my tablet. I'm really upset that dh appears to be trying to stop this for some reason. Am I over reacting, how would others feel about this? Been married 28 years, 3 dc (all now flown the nest) Dh watches a lot of tv, in fact tv is on day and night (even when no-one is watching). I have long term illnesses and dh stays home to look after me. Every day (different times) I ask him to turn volume off and use
subtitles for half an hour or so whilst I do my lesson. The lesson is oral and written (typed). Dh turns volume off for 5 mins and then gradually he turns it up again. Even with earphones, I can hear the tv and can't concentrate. If i send him off to do the dishes or something he bangs, clatters and interrupts, asking silly questions. The other day this caused a row because I really don't see wny he can't just use subtitles for 30 minutes. I prefer to sit in the lounge in my reclining chair because I have a bad back.So, last night I went to bed early, dh staying up late to watch a film. Thought to myself, I bet he comes up to interrupt and sure enough, he bloody did! I was speaking spanish into the tablet and he stripped off and stood right against me. I said I thought you were watching a film, he replied he was too tired and was coming to bed. I asked him why he was always interrupting my lessons, didn't he want me to learn spanish and why is he being so attention seeking. Incidentally, it was not for sex because I am ill at the moment and he knew that. He looked embarrassed, said he was just messing about, got ready for bed. So spoilt my lesson yet again, couldn't concentrate and got most of the questions wrong. Dh can be a bit of a manchild at times, but we've managed to knock that on the head. I'm not so upset at getting the lessons wrong, more about the fact he is spoiling the one thing I have for myself. aibu to think he is deliberately spoiling my lessons or am I being petty, getting worked up over nothing? Seems a small problem really.

OP posts:

LemonShark · 30/12/2017 08:30

Trust your gut. That's a lot of coincidental times he's ruined your lesson. It's Half an hour per day and you can't manage to get that time alone in peace? Do you feel suffocated?

whirlygirly · 30/12/2017 08:32

It sounds like he desperately needs an interest of his own. He's being an attention seeking twat, but you know this.
Has he any friends he can meet up with? Watching so much tv can't be healthy.
Good on you for learning something new.

Original poster

Bubbaleo · 30/12/2017 08:35

Thanks for replying. Suffocating? An understatement, more like drowning. Together 24/7 unless I persuade him to go out somewhere.

OP posts:

ChristmasAtSquiffanys · 30/12/2017 08:35

I can see why he does want to use subtitles as although I use subtitles a lot (poor hearing) but I couldn't watch a programme while someone was talking in Spanish into their tablet in the same room.
But coming into the bedroom and disturbing you after saying he was staying downstairs is annoying.
You need to be firmer and say 'I am doing my lesson, I need peace for one hour "

Veterinari · 30/12/2017 08:40

He can’t let you have 30 minutes a day peace?!? He needs to grow up

Can you have a frank discussion with him. I’d find this suffocating. If nothing else being cooped up all day must be bad for his physical and mental health. Can’t he take a daily walk or do some gardening or nip to the shops or something?

Can you try and instigate no-tv time - perhaps spend active quality time together playing a board game, crossword, jigsaw puzzle or chatting to meet his need for connection and then spend time apart doing your own things? Rather than constant daily presence which is irritating and meaningless.

Original poster

Bubbaleo · 30/12/2017 08:46

Christmas, have tried that but he doesn't take it seriously. We had friends in our old town (have moved from one end of the country to the other) and have lost touch. Neither of us really want friends at the moment, due to having been through a lot and finding it difficult to trust people. Quite happy to be to be togethef, love going out together, but this lesson thing has made me see him through new eyes.

OP posts:

hevonbu · 30/12/2017 08:47

Maybe he's afraid you'll get whisked away by a handsome Spaniard? That aside, would it be possible to go to the loo, kitchen or bedroom to practice? I suppose not (you mentioned your reclining chair). To do them early in the morning, before the telly is on? If it's on 24/7 that's another issue in its own right.

Original poster

Bubbaleo · 30/12/2017 08:53

He does nip out to the shop nearly every day, does have a walk now and again but mostly waiting for my "good" days when we can go out together. I think what I'm mostly upset about is the fact that he's got it in him to deliberately sabotage my lessons. Didn't think he was like that.

OP posts:

ChristmasAtSquiffanys · 30/12/2017 09:00

Well, you've done the right thing telling him directly that he is stopping you from doing something for yourself.
Having the TV on all the time would really annoy me. New years resolution should be that if no one is watching it, TV goes off

LemonShark · 30/12/2017 09:00

He sounds like he could be emotionally abusive OP, not respecting your desire for some space for your lesson, leaving you feeling suffocated, doesn't go out unless you persuade him to. You sound quite isolated too. You're in a vulnerable position with all of this going on while unable to care for yourself alone and with nobody to lean on nearby, does any of what I've said ring true?

ATeardropExplodes · 30/12/2017 09:03

It sounds as if he is home watching TV not home looking after you.

LemonShark · 30/12/2017 09:04

A caring partner would want to support their spouse in taking up a new hobby, especially if you don't have any others and your lives are quite small at the moment being inside a lot with nobody you know nearby. Loving partners support their partner's interests even if it's not his cup of tea. If this was my hobby my partner would be at the very least leaving me in peace to study, but would possibly be encouraging me by buying me a nice notebook to use during lessons or learning basics from YouTube so he could have a little conversation with me or offer to help test me. Not try and sabotage every lesson when it's the one half hour period of the day your attention isn't on him. Do you see how far away his actions are from someone who supports you and has your interests at heart? I know we're going on very little info but it seems odd that the one time of the day you want to focus on something other than him he does whatever he can to spoil it and make his presence known.

Only1scoop · 30/12/2017 09:05

Does he think you are going to do a Shirley Valentine

LemonShark · 30/12/2017 09:05

Do you see your kids often OP?

LemonShark · 30/12/2017 09:08

I know people are just joking about him maybe being insecure and thinking you'll run off with a Spanish man but that's a pretty worrying thing to normalise, that level of jealousy and control. You're doing absolutely nothing wrong wanting to learn a language. I wonder if he doesn't like you having any part of your life separate from him. Do you have any separate friends or ever get out on your own? If for example you wanted to go for coffee without him would you be able to? One of my best friends is disabled and can't get out alone but can manage okay if I pick him up right outside his door and take his wheelchair with us. I'm a bit worried for you if you're literally relying on this guy for your freedom.

Original poster

Bubbaleo · 30/12/2017 09:09

Whisked away by a handsome Spaniard Could do with a bit of that But also, when I reached 50% in the lessons, he did say well done but then said "when you reach 100%, bet you still need to learn more". Seemed a weird thing to say. And now with the sabotaging, I'm sort of thinking, who is this man?

OP posts:

hevonbu · 30/12/2017 09:11

Couldn't you have it as a common hobby, you both learning, with the ultimate goal to go on a holiday to, say, Mallorca?

WipsGlitter · 30/12/2017 09:18

Has he stopped work to be your career? Is that what you both wanted?

I hate the tv on all the time too.

Is sounds like a complicated dynamic.

LemonShark · 30/12/2017 09:25

"when you reach 100%, bet you still need to learn more".

That's a fair thing to say! I assume he means there'll always be more you can learn in a foreign language and that an app isn't going to get you to the same level as a native speaker, however hard you work.

Original poster

Bubbaleo · 30/12/2017 09:27

Thanks for all your replies. There is a lot of back story, but too much to go into. We do see the kids quite often but all have medical problems, one in supported living so there have been many issues, such as battling the authorities for education, help with care, etc. Last dc only recently moved out (age 26). We've stuck together through thick and thin and I think he now just wants to switch off, watch tv and try to relax. He does most of the cooking, all the washing up, etc. Not much cleaning, but will do it when asked. We have a very strong marriage so I just don't get this sabotage thing.

OP posts:

wanderlust99 · 30/12/2017 09:27

Is he your FT carer OP? His behaviour is crap but he might be depressed? I have been a FT carer before and it can be so draining and a very thankless task. When you said I send him off to do the dishes it rang alarm bells for me, at times I felt like unpaid staff and I did at times really resent it. It does sound as if he feels insecure and is attempting to sabotage your new skill, it's good that you have confronted him so don't back down in terms of insisting you get 30 minutes per day TV free, but do try to encourage him to get out of the house alone.

Oldbutstillgotit · 30/12/2017 09:27

I feel your annoyance OP. My DH is also “clingy “ to the point of me feeling suffocated . He is 10 years older than me and thinks we should do everything together whereas I have friends I want to spend time with . He sulks( no other word for it ) if I make my own plans and he dislikes most of my friends even though we do lots together . My advice would be to tackle this head on . Yes , it can lead to an atmospheree etc but you are doing nothing wrong , in fact you are being sensible and keeping your brain active.

Parker231 · 30/12/2017 09:30

Have you asked him why he is doing this?

Original poster

Bubbaleo · 30/12/2017 09:45

Yes he is my carer and has done such a lot for me in my very ill times, emotional support and physical. Always there for the kids. He was clingy right from the off though, nearly 30 years ago. We are both finding it hard to trust others at the moment. He is quite extrovert and I'm introvert. He loves chatting to neighbours, I'm often suggesting he goes to the local, he'd easily make friends but he won't go without me. We do play board games and stuff (with the bloody tv in the background) He will turn it off when asked, but can't wait to put it on again! I do sound bossy "sending him to do the dishes", but it's not really like that I was just pissed off about the tv. Sadly, there's not enough sex (sorry for tmi) due to my illnesses, and that's something we're both sad about.

OP posts:

CauliflowerSqueeze · 30/12/2017 09:50

You just need to fix a half hour when you can do this alone. Morning sounds easier when the telly is crap(per).

Buena suerte!

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