To ask how to handle body size comments about my DCs?

[BluePlasticBuddha]

My parents who now live abroad are here for Christmas.

I have had weight troubles all my life- and so have they. I have come slowly to realise that they are obsessed with weight and calories and food. When I was growing up my mother really monitored my weight- by PA comments, checking the sizings in my clothes (I still cut out all the sizes in my clothes before she comes to stay) etc. It's taken decades but I have recently realised that my dad monitors her and not in a nice way. He will get huffy is she has 2 slices of toast. He got shitty with her when she wanted a christmas chocolate etc.

I am about 3 stone overweight, and my parents about 2 stone overweight each I guess. I've had eating disorders all my life- bulimia mostly which I am dealing with. I stopped vomiting about 2 years ago which I am proud of but the binge eating and secret eating goes on.

I basically always felt watched, disapproved of etc over my weight.

Anyway- DH is medium-height but very very slim and slight. Both my DSs appear right now to have inherited his body type.They are both the shortest in their years and teeny, like little fragile birds (8 and 6).

It's the constant 'approving' comments I can't stand. My Dparents are constantly saying things like; 'Oh isn't it lucky they have taken after DH?' and 'They are so small. THEY'LL never have weight problems'. The thing is, i have had comments my whole entire life about my weight- approving if I have lost, disapproving (or pointed silence) if I have gained. I really do NOT want my boys to hear their body shape commented on like that. The subtext is that they are being observed and judged physically and that a certain type of body shape is somehow more acceptable than another. (My parents will make comments about fat children too if they see them in the street).

I have spent my whole life being fucked up and fucked over because of genetics.... my whole family both sides are dumpy, short and like little round apples. I have vomited and starved myself into something 'acceptable' and actually I just want to put my foot down and say ' Enough. All shapes and sizes are acceptable and beautiful. Stop the obsession right here and now'.

I should just say that right? Nip it in the bud. And while I'm at it I should tell my mum to just let herself eat the bloody chocolate and my dad to shut the fuck up.

I think I've answered my own question really.

You have, but I guess its not that easy. Your parents sound like hard work. Can you avoid spending too much time with them?

They are staying here until Jan 12th.

Yes you can say that.

Also as your kids get older you can explain their grandparents are obsessive about weight and that’s not a healthy way to be.

I wouldn't have a confrontation about weight and eating in front of your DCs. You can't control what your DPs will say in response and you can't be sure that your DCs will remember your comments rather than your DPs' comments.
I appreciate you want to hold your DPs to account but your DCs will remember the argument/discussion and I don't think it will be healthy or helpful for them to see eating habits turned into a battleground.

Urgh, it sounds awful. My DM is fairly calorie-obsessed too and has spent most of her adult life on a diet of some sort or other. And yet she’s a bit of a feeder - over-caters wildly and approves if you eat three types of dessert etc. Plus we had the having to clear your plate thing as there was that rationing hangover. It’s given me a totally skewed relationship with food and, like you, I try to keep that away from my children. I don’t comment on their body shape or size and encourage them to eat when they’re hungry and stop when they are not.
How often do your parents see your boys?

We see them about 3 weeks a year. Adoring grandparents in all ways- but this winds me up.

Good point Winnie.

The criticism in those comments seemed more aimed at you than them.

Is that why you are so upset by them?

I think if you didn't feel targeted you'd probably be able to diffuse their comments and let them wash over.
They are not a constant in their lives and your and your OH's attitude towards food and weight are way more important.

I'd repeat as a mantra after them: all body shapes are beautiful, how ever they grow up will be fine. And look sternly at them.

As an ex eating disorder specialist nurse for children I would recommend you clearly ask (tell) them not to make any comments at all about your childrens' size, shape, appearance or appetite as it just isn't healthy or helpful to them to do so.

Hopefully they have their grandchildrens' best interests at heart and they will stop if you tell them they need to.

That mantra is exactly what I want to get across.

I know I am imposing my own baggage over the top of the whole issue too.

and yes- 3 weeks a year- it's not the constant drip drip thank god.

Oh I am so grateful to you all.....I want to get this really right.

my mil has a habit of mentioning something about weight/looks/hair/whatever on EVERY TV program she watches - "don't they look old now", "he needs to get a nose job", "she's got fat" - it is a habit with some people - it is not right, the kids know this though. (and will have a joke about it sometimes)

Your kids are 6 and 8 - they will already be aware that gran+ grandad are a bit weird about weight. If they are tiny kids, LOTS of people will mention it throughout their lives - lots! People don't seem to be able to help themselves sometimes

I have a 5'10, size 6, 16 year old daughter - MIL calls her skinny-malinky, pippy longstocking etc - and yes, does the "you're lucky you take after your dad not your mum" thing... DD laughs because - you know what - it is not just MIL - EVERYONE says it, so you either learn coping strategies, or let yourself be affected.

Eastlondonder just said what I wanted to say but wasn't articulate enough - so just commenting to back that up. Don't argue it, just tell them that it doesn't happen in your house and they need to respect that. Broken record repetition if needed.

I wouldn't have a confrontation about weight and eating in front of your DCs.

I would. They need to know that your parents are wrong in this, and that their worth and value has nothing to do with the size or shape of their bodies.

I'm off to do breakfasts and stuff so might not be back for a bit, but thank you all so very much.

My DM is a bit like that, though apart from her food/weight hang-ups, she is otherwise a great parent and grandparent, and we see her a lot. I ended up confronting her about her comments (she was asking my DH behind my back to get me to lose weight) and it has now stopped. She still appears to monitor my portions, will ask what size my clothes are and will move food out of reach if we are having a meal.

My DS thankfully thinks it’s hilarious, and when she starts talking about diets/calories/clothes sizes he says oh granny, not this again......

It's horrible for you to feel judged like this. When this is brought up could you perhaps give a big false grin and say pointedly, "Yes. Next subject." Every time. This will convey to them that you don't wish to discuss it. If they stick to their guns just repeat, then go silent. Surely they'll get the message.

It's only once a year, so I wouldn't be too bothered about it regarding your children.
The fact that your parents are overweight themselves make it easier to explain it to the children if they are remotely bothered about it (which I doubt): it's unhealthy, their grand-parents know they are doing things wrong so they comment too much about weight, so kids eat your veg and go running in the garden!

In the nicest possible way, your relation with your own body and food is more likely to cause a problem because you live with them, and your kids will know that you are not comfortable with who you are. They will know about the "secret" binge eating, you would be amazed how much children notice.
I am not trying to make you feel bad or blame you, sounds like you have made tremendous progress.

My DM is like this. There was always a running commentary growing up about my body shape. Sometimes I would have gotten too skinny, other times I'd be "looking well" (codeword for fat) She was always eyeing me up and down when I lived at home too.

It's had a lasting effect. Even now I worry I'm fat and frumpy when I go home. I'm a size 8 ffs!

I have 2 dd’s (12 & 17) & it has taken years of me raising this with my mother to try to stop her offering her constant food commentary in front of them. She has little filter between her mouth & brain and it is in her nature to constantly update those around her on her thoughts & actions. It’s like being trapped in a bloody Virginia Woolf novel.
If you offer her a chocolate she used to say “No, I’m going to be good”. What message does that send to the 11 year old girl who just accepted one? Do we want her to think that was bad?
I have just about got her to consider her words now. It was a proud moment at Christmas when I offered her a piece of pie & she said, “I’m really full, so no thank you”.
I think it helps to be clear and specific about the sorts of things you want them to stop saying, and why. But it does take time. Even if they accept your point, it may take them a while to break the habit. I tell my mother “you may think what you like but you don’t have to voice all your thoughts”. Good luck op and well done with your own progress.

I found saying to my ExH to tell his mother that if she made one more comment about my DDs' weight, she would never see them again quite effective.

IMHO it's that important.

Thanks all. I am working hard on my own issues. I have been seeing a counsellor etc. I never ever talk about food being good or bad, and when the eldest had a healthy eating week at school he got a bit focused on it (he has autism and gets really obsessed) and both DH and I worked really hard to say that yes this or that is healthy, but that it was unhealthy to be obsessed with fat / sugar / calories etc.

DH is a star in that he is oblivious to my weight fluctuations and is vocally appreciative of me in every way (looks, as a person, the values I have etc).

The secret eating is done in the car usually so hopefully goes under the radar with the DCs. I stopped the vomiting the day my eldest walked in on me in the bathroom. never done it since as the shock of him maybe absorbing that whole insanity as 'normal' gave me such a deep seated horror that I've never done it since, and I am SO proud.

Ironically - this time,seeing how the parents are with food themselves has actually made me feel that I am simply not prepared to spend another second of my life on this obsession and madness. I'm cancelling my WW subscription. I'm stopping the food diaries and the plans and calorie calculations. I'm going to focus on eating good quality food at regular intervals and beyond that I'm not prepared to think about it any more.

*isthis my parents use looking well as a code word too!

Good on you for having the will-power to stop the vomiting. OP, and for ditching the diet books/obsession. Your solution of good food at regular intervals is the perfect one. May i suggest that you check out the Diet Doctor online. He promotes the Low Carb High Fat way of life- a regime recommended to me by my cardiologist, as I also had 3 stone to lose. I've lost over 2 of those now since last February...slow and steady...and am still losing. You never feel hungry with the good fat you eat, and by not keeping junk food in the house, your DC will grow up appreciating what real food tastes like. You are lucky that you don't have the parental disapproval as a constant...go LCHF, lose 2-3 stone, and give them a real shock this time next year!

I'm not sure swapping one diet for another is what the OP is after tombstoneteeth