DS hen do AIBU

[Tunaandbobby]

Name change as outing.
My youngest DSis is getting married in Dec next year. We are travelling about 2 hours to her wedding and have booked the hotel to stay over for the night. The cost of going to the wedding, petrol, hotel, new outfits and present will cost us around £400 - £500 which I consider to be a lot of money.
My eldest DSis has taken it upon herself to plan youngest DSis hen do. (She has not been asked to do this).
She has booked to go to Benidorm. With spends flights and accommodation i will need a minimum of £500 which we just haven’t got.
I have said that I just can not afford this amount of money on top of what it is already costing to go to the wedding.
We have planned a family holiday for next year something we have not been fortunate enough to have for about 6 years. This was already booked before I found out about the hen. For me to go on the hen would mean I would have to cancel the family holiday which I just am not prepared to do.
Youngest DSis is fine about it however eldest DSis is getting digs in at me whenever she can saying i should save up and should make more of an effort to go. Even get a loan to pay for it. Also saying I should get my priorities in order.
I should mention that eldest DSis and her partner earn a lot more than we do and £500 to them is no trouble to find.
When I got married 15 years ago we went abroad at a cost of about £300 for my hen this included spends, flights accommodation. Youngest DSis did not come as she was too young at that time. I have always been close to youngest DSis and spent a lot of time with her when we were younger. I shared a room with her and always made far more effort with her than our other DSis’s did. I were however quite close to eldest DSis as there is only a 15 month age gap between us. We had and still have a lot of mutual friends.
Eldest DSis thinks that because a lot of our mutual friends came to my hen do that I should make more of an effort to go to my youngest DSis hen do. What she does not understand is that 15 years ago none of our friends had children or owned a house. They lived with their parents paying them £20 a week house keep. I was the only one who was getting married and moving out at that time. I’ve made the effort for all of our mutual friends hen parties/weddings and this is the first one I cannot attend.
Am I missing something? Am I actually being unreasonable to not go to the hen do? I think my eldest DSis should either accept I cannot afford to go or plan something that I can afford to do.

Am I actually being unreasonable to not go to the hen do?

YANBU

You can't control other people, just yourself. Don't make value judgements on other people's financial arrangements, and don't respond when other people talk you how to save/spend your own cash.

You cannot afford to go, therefore just say you cannot afford to go. Tell Bride Sis you would love to do something quieter/cheaper with her at another time. Don't try to change the hen do to suit you.

Eldest dsis needs to make affordable plans. Friends having a hen do is surely the whole point not how expensive she can make it for everyone!!

YANBU.
Your decision to go or not isn't any of your eldest sister's business! Do whatever feels good to you. The end.

Tell her if it's that important to her that she can pay for you to go...

Tell your sister (the organiser, not the bride) that you are declining because you can't afford it.

Sounds like you do have your priorities straight already.

Are you able to discuss this with your parents? Maybe they would be able to persuade your elder Dsis that you aren't being unreasonable, it is a question of finances for you.

@Tunaandbobby Why don't you casually mention to both DSs that, as you feel bad you cant attend the hen, you will plan one of your own in your hometown. Afternoon tea £25pp or spa day £75pp. Invite a group and go. That way you are going on "The hen" and Eldest DS will struggle to make her "make more of an effort" jabs.

Def not BU, tell her to wind her neck in!!

You're not been unreasonable and I'm sure you're disappointed not to be able to go. Your sister is been really unreasonable don't take any notice.
The only thing I'd advise is maybe get yourself a savings tin for the new year and start trying to throw a few pounds here and there in. Who knows if you got a cheap flight you may end up been able to go or if not you could use whatever you have to do something special with your sister who's getting married.

*stilltheykeepcoming my mum is aware, she has noticed the digs at me when we have all been together. She has offered to pay for me to go on the quiet but to be honest I know my mum can’t afford it and she would have to go without things to give me the money. I don’t even want to lend it off her as I know she doesn’t really have it to lend in the first place and I don’t think I could even begin to pay her back for 12 months.

Thanks for the comments. I’m glad others think I’m doing the right thing. I like the suggestion of taking bride sis out for afternoon tea/spa day.

I’m really not bothered about missing out and I don’t want them to change the hen just for me. I just don’t want to be judged for not having the spare cash to go myself.

You're not being unreasonable. Don't even raise the option of cancelling the family holiday. It's not up for discussion, no parent would deprive their children of a holiday because their sister was making some digs. Not spending money you don't have is a perfectly sensible rule to live by.

However I do see your sister's point, it is a bit hypocritical. I think you just have to wear that though, she'll get over it.

When I say I’m not bothered, obviously I’m upset I can’t go, I mean I’m not jealous that they are going. I want youngest DSis to enjoy it and have a lovely time.

YANBU. The bride is ok with it so just keep telling your older sister 'I wouldn't love to go but I can't afford it'. If she mentions a loan 'I can't afford it'. And repeat as often as it takes.

YY to offering to host a low key afternoon tea or night out locally so you can give your little sis a send off, maybe just facepacks, prosecco and sandwiches a couple of weeks before the big day.

NN to getting your parents involved. As a parent of adult DDs I refuse to arbitrate in their squabbles. It was annoying enough when they were children, I am certainly not doing it for grown women.

What does your ‘getting married’ sister want? I personally can’t think of anything worse that a hen do in Benidorm. SHE might prefer a night out a weekend away in the U.K., that’s less expensive and less tacky.

IF she’s happy with Benidorm then great, but she’ll have to accept you can’t go.

You are neither being unreasonable or a hypocrite. Situations change; I went on all my friends hen do's - weekends away etc. then they had babies. My hen do was small and local purely so they could both afford to and find the time to attend. DH's father didn't go on the stag for different reasons, but they still had a father/son meal together and actually preferred it that way. It's not like you're refusing to attend the wedding or begrudging the expense for bridal party accommodation. Ask the bride what she'd like to do 😁x

YANBU. Don't mention family holiday at all.

Arrange something nice with your younger sis.

Explain to older sis the digs are hurtful and unnecessary, you cannot afford to go. But hope she has a nice time.