Lazy inlaws

[annoyingxmas]

Genuinely want to know if I'm being unreasonable. Have fallen out completely with DH over this.

Christmas Day usually spent with my family - we split cost and effort but always at our house which is our choice.

This year DH family (Sil,bil, mil) came to us. No offer to help or contribute anything. Didn't help with anything - didn't lift a single dish/glass from table at end of meal.

After meal everyone moved to living room - DH, sil, bil, mil, stayed round table for rest of night. No acknowledgement of kids.

It wasn't a family Christmas. DH thinks I'm completely wrong.

I hosted Christmas and I refuse help of any kind and we paid/provided everything. The bairn wasn’t ignored though.

However it’s obviously bothering you. Maybe your experience of Christmas is different to theirs and perhaps you shouldn’t host again?

We all stayed sitting at the table as well, although the table is in the living room.

Yanbu! They are rude. At Christmas you all pitch in and contribute.

I also usually refuse help, I like to treat people and hope they treat me when going to them however I think many of these issues come down to simple manners and hosting etc. People seems to lack skills on how to be social.
People are shy etc. I think the not mixing and ignoring child would make me feel very angry that's just basics

I don't understand the problem with staying at the table. That's quite usual?

Who went to the lining room OP?
Was it yourself and the children or was it also your family?

Your dh thinks you're wrong? Wrong for what? Objecting to doing everything whilst everyone else sits on their backsides while you wait on them? Surely that's your prerogative to judge how you feel about it.

And don't invite them again.

Its fine to refuse help, but if you are refusing, at least it has been offered! Sounds like DH's family have not even offered and that's just rude.

If their experience of Christmas is to he waited in hand and foot then if your DH wants to invite them again, he can host by himself.

I’d be upset, we generally go to my mum, she does all the cooking, we take puddings and wine/ beers, other family bring cheese and biscuits drinks etc. It’s too much to expect one person to do it all and you don’t get a chance to enjoy your Christmas with your children. Don’t do it next year.

Trying to combine two families at Christmas is fraught with this sort of mismatch in expectations.

Your family is used to staying with you at Christmas and mucking in. His family were guests for the first time and didn't know what you were expecting of them. They were unfamiliar guests, not like your family.

It's possible that they felt that your family abandoned them at the dining table while you went off and did your family thing.

Don't get the hump after this first attempt at bringing the two families together. If you are intending to repeat the two families together Christmas, think about how you can integrate them more successfully next time and include your H in the discussion but not in an accusatory way.

Or just don't bother. It isn't essential to have everyone every year.

you need to remind him it is your Christmas too and Christmas is not about 10, 20 or 900 people sitting about enjoying themselves while one person does all the work, if everyone helps the work is done very quickly and everyone can then enjoy themselves

Tough one. My rule is that if someone is a guest then they don’t lift a finger. I take this attitude when I go as a guest to someone’s house too. Not sure if it’s right, just the way I was raised. Don’t invite someone to the party and expect them to pay (kind of thing). So I wouldn’t see it as rude myself. I even it out by sharing hosting duties throughout the year. If you do most of the hosting though then you’re going to get the fuzzy end of the lollipop!

Me, my family and friends, no matter where we are or what we do, we all always pitch in and help.
Serving, clearing the table, washing dishes, wiping up etc I thought that was normal....

Have you ever been hosted by them? What happened then?

I don't think that is at all acceptable. Everyone should at least offer to help. Plus anyone who has a child there is responsible for looking after them.

So your husband is being very unreasonable.

For the first time ever your DH was allowed his family too, you didn't ask for help nor explain the usual protocols (ie moving to living room after dinner( and now you don't want them back? I'd say you are BVVU, and you should be more generous with your DH and his rarely seen at Christmas family.

I take this attitude when I go as a guest to someone’s house too

So rude!

Wonder how often you get invited back?

It was OPs Christmas as well and there should be an expectation that DH leads the washing up/clearing up 'come on bro, you take the tea towel I'll wash, mum you make the tea, OP have a seat, well being it through'

Brother and sil are like this. We did Xmas at my mother’s house a few years ago. She was looking after her heavily disabled husband who has now died at the time. So it was on the proviso that everyone pitched in. I have ME/CFS. I prepared and cooked the meal. Mother and I dished up while they sat on their arses. I was so exhausted that I went to bed as soon as I ate. They were supposed to clear up. Except they both decided to take their ds for a nap and stay upstairs for couple of hours while he slept. My dh ended up clearing up with my mother. (He’d done other stuff for my mother in the morning btw).

Later in the day, she made her child’s tea and didn’t clear up. That was a big drama as well.