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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Am I over reacting

14 replies

cuddly61 · 29/12/2017 22:22

Would like to know your opinions on people who invite themselves to stay please.
My O/H mother and aunt don’t ring up and ask if it’s convenient they just ring and say they are coming to stay for about a week.
This year the aunt has done this but I really don’t want guests so soon after Christmas .my O/H refused to put the aunt off when I said I just wanted to relax after Christmas.
Oh and the O/H aunt and mother will ask for certain branded foods .easy solution would be if they want a certain brand then buy it .
I come from a family who would never just invite themselves. And even if just going for tea would take something like a cake or something.
But this aunt and mother wanted some rolls from the supermarket so I called in they put all this stuff they wanted in my trolley then stood back when we got to the till.
So first am I over reacting.if I’m not any ideas how to stop this just inviting themselves. It’s not me they speak to when inviting themselves its the O/H. And then after the aunt has invited herself a week after that this aunt and the mother have invited themselves for a overnight stay.

OP posts:

Maelstrop · 29/12/2017 22:30

Are they contacting you or your DH? If it’s you, just do the whole ‘That doesn’t work for me’. If it’s the DH, tell him to man up. If they still come, make yourself very busy, don’t take them shopping. If DH still doesn’t say no, either let him do everything or go off to your family’s place for a few days.

Marmalady75 · 29/12/2017 22:45

They are his family so let him run after them and entertain them.

Greenshoots1 · 29/12/2017 22:48

your OH does all the hosting, you just do your own thing

DameSquashalot · 29/12/2017 22:48

Definitely let your DH sort out their demands.

Motoko · 29/12/2017 22:53

Are they contacting you or your DH?

From the OP
It’s not me they speak to when inviting themselves its the O/H.

PricillaQueenOfTheDesert · 29/12/2017 22:55

If oh doesn’t want to tell them it’s an inconvenience, he can deal with them. Stop in bed tomorrow until noon, slob around in your pjs and don’t cook.

LockedOutOfMN · 29/12/2017 23:01

DH needs to sort out this mess.

mumpoints · 29/12/2017 23:21

I dealt with this by sending a "Dear All" email stating that we were v busy (we were) had little free time (true) and I was writing to try and prevent anyone being offended by us saying "no" if they invited themselves... So please don't ask if you can visit, wait to be invited.

I sent it to MIL and MIL alone as she and FIL were the only ones that did this.

Did it work? No! MIL immediately invited herself to test the waters. She probably thought it was meant for everyone except her (ha!) but it was MUCH easier telling her "no" after the email...

...so she and FIL turned up on the doorstep without telling us at all. I was so shocked I let her in.

We moved not long afterwards and I just KNEW that MIL would want to see our new place. We didn't invite her. MIL and FIL turned up on the doorstep again, this time with four other family members. But haha, this place (flat in large building) had video entry phones and a fire escape at the back. We saw them outside and simply left the building (in case someone else let them in the building and they hammered on our door).

They never tried it again.

(Yes I know DH should have been dealing with his sh!tty parents but he didn't. They wouldn't have taken any notice of him anyway.)

ButteredScone · 29/12/2017 23:26

This is very disrespectful of your OH. People can and will invite themselves. That's not the problem, the problem is saying yes.

So basically, you need to deal with your OH not the visitors. Obviously, do not run around after them. And every time they ask you a question give a vague 'don't know ask OH'. But you need to square up to OH about your reasonable entitlement to your space.

Original poster

cuddly61 · 30/12/2017 13:35

A few years ago three of two of them invited themselves to stay. I went round my friends down the road leaving their arrival to the O/H .my other half rang to say there was a surprise for me the mil had brought her grand daughter to stay to. I was not happy mil knows we only got the one guest bed and it was another mouth to feed ,so three of them turned up didn’t even offer to buy any food .you don’t invite yourself to stay at someone’s house then bring a extra person without asking first.
This is how the O/H family take me for granted yet mil was quick to point out when I brought my house outright that my O/H should not pay anything towards the purchase or upkeep I should pay for it all. So they know it’s my house not my O/H . there are good reasons why I didn’t put the house in both names.one being this my O/H shouldn’t pay towards anything to do with the house.
I’m taking the advice given ,not cooking ,not doing anything .
And I’m not taking her aunt shopping while my O/H stays at home like I’m usually persuaded to do. And I’m not joining in their card games ,yes I win sometimes but more often I loose and I don’t like gambling they refuse to play just for fun ,but then one of then let it slip when they play cards with O/H sister and her family she won’t gamble so play for fun so one rule for me and another for their own family members.

OP posts:

Original poster

cuddly61 · 04/01/2018 13:14

I don’t believe it. The aunt and now the mother has invited themselves over to stay over night next week to. They are spending a week at o/h sisters but coming here to. It’s only 60 miles away no need to stay here overnight . Getting pig sick of it. The aunt was trying to persuade me to play cards when she comes over with the m.i.l. But I won’t not after last time she was way out of order.
Suppose to be a friend,y game of cards they already know I don’t like playing for money .anyway last time I sat there trying to sort out my cards as I’m no way near as experienced as that lot. I put some on the table in front of me while sorting them out with that the m.i.l. As I went to pick them back up slammed her hand down on my cards and said I had to play them I wasn’t allowed to pick them back up once placed on the table. I was totally disgusted at her bad behaviour.she wouldn’t had done that if her darling grand daughters had done it.
So already I’m getting wound up at the thought of the m.i.l visiting.
I’m getting so I can’t stand her .

OP posts:

Motherbear26 · 04/01/2018 13:27

If it’s your house and your oh contributes nothing (hoping I got that wrong!) you just need to say no. Use the same technique with oh as you were advised to use with the il’s. No sorry that doesn’t work for me. No. No. No. And keep on and on. If they do come, refuse to let them in. I said it doesn’t work for me. No they can’t come in. It’s not my problem I did say. And repeat until he hears you. If it was jointly owned I’d have said go to a hotel and leave them to it but you shouldn’t be pushed out of your own home.

If I were you I would honestly consider why you stay with a man that lives with you and contributes nothing and ignores your wishes like this.

thethoughtfox · 04/01/2018 13:33

Tell you partner no. If he insists, tell him he will need to look after them and take yourself out every day.

Motoko · 04/01/2018 13:38

It's your house, tell them and your OH that they can't stay. Phone and tell them. Put your foot down and stop being a doormat. Only you can change things. We can only advise, but if you decide not to take our advice, then you'll just have to keep putting up with it.

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