I always thought I had a fairly equal household, but...

[LyannaStarktheWolfMaid]

I had to work today, but DH didn't. He cooked (often does) and supervised the kids to tidy up downstairs (again a regular thing). However, tidying up upstairs seemed to involve slinging sheets on beds, and shoving clothes on chairs, rather than the hamper. I had to stop work numerous times to answer where is/ where goes queries (WFH). I also had to stop work to deal with online grocery and remortgage applications, because these are apparently beyond him. And when I had finished (he had put DC to bed) I had to hang the washing. As this does not apparently exist, so DH had not considered it. DH works full time, long hours in a pretty demanding job. I work from home, full-time hours, in a somewhat less demanding job. But then I do everything else aswell. AIBU that the occasional day when I am working but DH isn't, that he fucking pick up the slack rather than having a fucking day off?!!

Sorry, this is whiney and a bit low. However, it seems that in my house, the list of jobs that are distributed to me, especially, as the female of the house, and me alone, are - e.g. birthdays, Christmas, insurance, mortgage, bins, shopping, washing, ironing, cleaning anything slightly germy or fiddly, budgeting, bank accounts, anything to do with school, utilities, any child medical need, feeding pets, changing beds, ordering anything etc etc. We both work full time. I wwork from home and OH commutes so it feels pretty equal when we are working and the kids are at school, but when we are on holiday, the balance is all wrong.

Your husband sounds like an angel!!! I run a business and am out at work all day then come
Home and still have clients call and email non stop and my husband doesn't know where the hoover lives! He works full time but when he comes home he clocks off I am still working and have the children and house to look after. Be thankful your husband tried to help. I called my husband at 5pm whilst at work last week and asked if he could take the wet washing out of the washing machine and hang it up...
.. he asked on what? 🤦‍♀️and still didn't do it!

You are not unreasonable. Funny I was just thinking through this myself and wondering how all the tasks mostly end up being the job of the woman. I've got the opposite situation to you where I commute 2 hours a day and my dh works at home but yet I still pick up all of the workload you mention in your post. He never thinks to do anything he isn't asked to do yet if I ask it's nagging. I have stopped doing his washing as he has never once picked up in 6 years that the kids clothes need washing, drying and putting away. I put my dirty clothes in with the kids and do them together. I've started deliberately forgetting birthday presents/cards for his family - he doesn't remember mine why should I keep on top of his.

Why when women pick up often more than 50% of financial load for the family do we still end up with the mental load too? I don't have answers I'm afraid but I do understand. Would be interested to hear how others split their mental load between partners.

I don't pick up 50% of the financial load in my house, maybe 1/3? I left a pretty high paid job because doing that and looking after kids was far too much for me to take, and have taken up a higher than average but less well-paid job at home. However, as the children have got older I have gradually moved from a 0.4 job to a full-time job with no decrease in the amount of wife work I am expected to do, and I find the sheer number of fucking things that I am expected to keep on top of overwhelming. I am completely happy to work for every moment that my OH is out of the house working, and I do. But this week, he is off. I have worked. And he can't hang the washing, feed the cats, change the bins, log in to the mortgage application, do the online shop - because these are not his jobs. He does cook - every weekend, and whenever he is off.Excellently. He does tidy. I am probably being UR. I am just sick of feeling the load of the wifework even when I am doing more paid work than him.

Your husband does not sound like an angel.

It's the mental load isn't it? All the shitty little invisible fucking jobs that irritatingly they'd have to do anyway if they lived alone.

Lyanna you husband sounds like he needs a good kick up the arse figuratively, and needs to pull his weight more when you're working. YANBU

MrsB is wrong, her husband is so useless that she's got massively skewed standards. She will not be teaching her children of either sex good behavioural paternal wrt housework or a woman's place in the world. Unfortunately many men seem to be like her husband, but certainly not all. I hope each decade which passes gives us more and more men who don't fall into the lazy trap of putting all housework on women, and equally I hope fewer and fewer women put up with it

I'd say that your working full time although it's not 50% of the household income doesn't mean you need to do more around the house to make it up which seems to be what you are saying.

I do think he needs a massive kick up the arse. We are educated professionals and I know that he would think that he does his bit. And he does work fucking hard! It's the wife work argument. He does his job - really well. For convenience sake, for paid work, he runs a massive project (this is pretty close to what he actually does). For my work, I also run a pretty big project (this is my pad job). These are both 9-5, wit added worry time. On top of this, I also run the project that is our house. This is 24/7. School, reading, dinner, homework, uniform, schoolruns, mortgate, pets, bills, budget, insurance, cleaning, washing, shopping, bins, birthdays, christmas, holidays...I AM FUCKING DYING HERE!!!

I always thought I had a fairly equal household

I work from home, full-time hours, in a somewhat less demanding job. But then I do everything else aswell.

I'm not sure the word equal means what you think it means. I work long hours, very demanding job. DW works 2 days, in a job she'd describe as undemanding. I would hang my head in shame if I did as little as you describe your DH doing.

I don't pick up 50% of the financial load in my house, maybe 1/3?

What on earth does this have to do with anything? Are you a paid employee? If you are bean counting the money and hours you both it in, then it's doomed. Marriage is a partnership- at times you will both carry the other without expecting payback.

I do think he needs a massive kick up the arse.

I apologise for being rude, but you're kicking the wrong person. You've made these choices, you are the one who keeps doing it. It doesn't sound like he even knows there's an issue. Perhaps he assumes you like it this way :-)

No point throwing blame, sit down together and speak like adults. Come up with really clear plans and stick to them. Expect him to pull his weight and accept nothing less, because (presumably) he's a decent, competent human being and will want to fix the problem.

Your husband sounds like an angel! Ah ha, ha, ha, ha.

The problem always seems to be that when the wife takes time off from her career to look after the kids the pattern gets set and even when she goes back to work - and regardless of whether it’s part time or full time - the wifework stays with her.

You raise very good points. My OH is a decent man and I know that if I try to explain the disparity he will try to redress it. He does his bit. I do think that the idea of wife work is so well entrenched though that I am basically fucked. We are all fucked. Doomed to a life of (pleasant, lovely, loved, loving) servitude.

Could you buy in a bit more help?

The combined 'you'