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Original poster

Posting for traffic - 7 year old ds having violent tantrums

25 replies

Shimshiminysheroo · 29/12/2017 20:55

Sorry I'm in a bit of a state. Long term poster but changed user name as could be outing to link to previous posts. Ds 7 has started having such extreme rages that he has started to attack me. It's incredibly shocking. I move away and say firmly for him to stop, he carries on and I have had to physically restrain him by holding him from behind with his arms down. He has started to point blank refuse to do anything he is asked saying I can't make him.

Does anyone have any experience or advice they can offer me? I'm actually shaking from the last episode.

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Original poster
Shimshiminysheroo · 29/12/2017 21:01

Anyone? Has anyone gone through similar and what worked? I'm trying everything I can think of Sad

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Mamabooksbabynumber2 · 29/12/2017 21:03

Is it possible he is angry about something at school? What triggers his outburst?

Do you have a time out spot?

cookie75 · 29/12/2017 21:03

So sorry to hear this.
Is he being bullied at school? I guess he’s possibly letting out his anger and frustration on you x

Seriouslyjuicy · 29/12/2017 21:03

My 7 year old still has violent tantrums. 'Still' as in, she always has. But, it sounds like this is a new thing for you?

If so, i would explore anu possible emotional upset...is his home life happy? Is he being bullied at school? Is he finding school work hard? Etc

Original poster
Shimshiminysheroo · 29/12/2017 21:13

I think the other boys at school are pretty mean to him from what I've seen of playdates. He does find lessons hard, but meeting age related expectations. We have had a family bereavement and a house move but in the last two years. H and I are separated and live separately. H had an affair. We are trying to move on and get on as Co parents but it has been hard.
I try to talk to him and understand and talk lots to him about every thing as well as setting limits and boundaries.
Is there anything else I can do?

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Seriouslyjuicy · 29/12/2017 21:15

Its not correct actually that 'she always has'...its just been so long, it feels that way. Started after bullying mostly (at least, esacerbated)

Seriouslyjuicy · 29/12/2017 21:16

Oh, x-post

That is loads for him to be dealing with. Speak to school to get him support. Do they have therapists who could work with him?

summerlovingliz · 29/12/2017 21:22

We have experienced similar, I think is anxiety and could be down to a combination of factors. I think is important to let him know you are there, lots of love, hugs etc when he is calmer. School suggested writing down worries so that we can talk through them together, again when calm. That way you may be able to alleviate some of the anxiety and hopefully see an improvement. They also suggest talking about behaviour afterwards and how he could have acted differently/better, e.g taking himself away or counting to 10 when he feels upset/angry. You can give him some strategies to help deal with these feelings. Then also lots of focus on the positives when things do go well. Best of luck, poor little lad.. I think they have a lot to manage at such a young age x

Original poster
Shimshiminysheroo · 29/12/2017 21:51

Seriouaslyjuicey I'm so sorry to hear that. Yes this is new.

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Original poster
Shimshiminysheroo · 29/12/2017 21:52

Sorry x post

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Original poster
Shimshiminysheroo · 29/12/2017 22:01

Yes a lot to be dealing with Sad

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Original poster
Shimshiminysheroo · 29/12/2017 22:02

Thanks summer loving. Really appreciate your wise words. Will research anger management strategies and also perhaps a local therapist. Flowers

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Shimshiminysheroo · 29/12/2017 22:04

Seriouslyjuicy do you find anything works to either prevent them or sanctions which work? He just screams you can't make me do anything. It's so distressing.

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Headinthedrawer · 29/12/2017 22:23

I had this with DD.She is now 10 and it has stopped although she works hard to control her emotions.She was always fine at school and they couldn't believe it when I told them.I'm glad I did though as they arranged for her to see the school nurse who gave her anger management sessions.It transpired it was anxiety...house move,worry about me dying or leaving,problems with a school friend.Giving her more 1:1 time really helped and praising the good things she did by writing down a list of positive things she had done with her every night.The tantrums had eroded her self esteem making them even worse.We also stopped giving consequences for any behaviour during a tantrum...she couldn't help it.Outside help really got me through it so don't be afraid to talk to the school.

Headinthedrawer · 29/12/2017 22:30

When she was having them I was advised to sit there calmly and say something like "you are showing me you are really angry/ you look so distessed.When you have calmed down I will be here to talk to you" and then ignore.If she started hurting me I would say "You are hurting me so I am leaving the room.When you are ready to stop I will come back".Sounds easy...I know it's not but staying calm and consistent is key.He's dealing with alot and it is overwhelming for him.I also found doing the book "What to do when your temper flares" (Look on amazon) each night together really helpful as she felt understood.There's another one about worries that might help.

Seriouslyjuicy · 29/12/2017 22:45

Sanctions dont work at all. They are basically having a panic attack and its really really frightening for them

Psychotherapy REALLY has helped my dd.
Also, if we hit a bad patch i make extra effort with healthy eating, lots of sleep, excercise and lots and lots of fresh air/nature. Animals are excellent therapy; dog walking, horse riding etc. We also bunk off school every now and again and do something nice together.

Good luck, it is so hard x

Seriouslyjuicy · 29/12/2017 22:46

Oh, also remrmbered....Rescue Remedy and lavender oil...in bath and room diffuser at night

Seriouslyjuicy · 29/12/2017 22:47

I cant stress how imporyant therapy wad though. Dd was suicidal before that...aged 6!

Original poster
Shimshiminysheroo · 29/12/2017 23:27

Thanks so much all.

We are supposed to be going to a lovely kid friendly party for nye. It will involve a sleepover and i just don't trust that he won't do this there.

Should I tell him he can't come as a sanction? Or no sanctions? I want to be as understanding as possible about his feelings, talk when he's calm, contain him when he's in a rage, but he is launching himself at me and shoving me. I feel he needs to understand that if he behaves like that he shouldn't have treats. Or not. Help.

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Original poster
Shimshiminysheroo · 29/12/2017 23:28

Have contacted a therapist, take a preventative approach and will buy book. Thank you so much for collective wisdom Flowers

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pameladoove · 29/12/2017 23:31

When did it start?

StealthNinjaMum · 29/12/2017 23:52

I wouldn't go to the party but I wouldn't give him the reason because it might upset him and reduce his esteem and make the problem worse. If these tantrums are as a result of anxiety or other problems in his life then you're better off finding a therapist to help him articulate those problems. Friends of two children I know have had some success with play therapy.

My own dd (7) has suspected autism and has violent outbursts (although the numbers are reducing thankfully.) Our consultant recommended several books but one that seems to have had an impact is The Red Beast which is a picture book about a boy who has an angry red beast inside him that is woken by some quite small things and how the boy controls that beast. It takes the blame away from the child and gives us a bit more space to talk about a meltdown afterwards and try to work out the cause and say that we love dd and aren't angry - it's not her fault. After an outburst dd is very upset and ashamed if she has hurt someone and I genuinely don't think she is aware of what she is doing during the outburst. Dd does find it hard to articulate her feelings and is having speech therapy to help with her language in particular.

I have seen The Explosive Child (I think it's called) recommended on other threads but haven't read it myself.

nutbrownhare15 · 29/12/2017 23:57

You've had some good advice above. I've found ahaparenting.com really helpful on helping children deal with their emotions do you may find some useful articles there.

Misty9 · 30/12/2017 00:06

I would second ahaparenting.com and there's also a good book for children with anxiety called What to do when you worry too much (picture of a tree on the cover I think).

I would maybe skip the NYE thing as he's clearly feeling not okay, but turn it into a nice fun thing for the two of you. Do you get much special time together? It's important to have that time unconditionally so he knows that whatever he does, that time together still happens. Having my own challenging ds I do know it's hard sometimes to actively spend time with a child you are finding difficult Flowers

Definitely reach out for help via school when they start back. It's the first port of call. Also Google mental health provision in your area as you may be able to refer your child yourself.

Original poster
Shimshiminysheroo · 02/01/2018 11:31

Just wanted to say that I've put into place the advice given here and already seeing a difference. Setting limits and boundaries have helped, ttalking about emotions and how to control them, as well as lots of praise and reassurance about how loved he is. Also really tightening up on bed time, exercise, diet and water has helped.
Thanks again all Flowers

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