Situation with in laws- I'm nc my dc aren't can this continue?

[Wishfulmakeupping]

Posted about this numerous times before-try to be brief.
Been with Dh many years before our dc arrived- had a polite relationship with Dh family - his dm, sis and dn even though they were often rude to me I was always respectful.
relationship between Dh and sil broke down after the birth of our first dc and Dh was upset that his sis was not interested in our dd even though he'd played such a big part in dn's life growing up as she didn't have a father figure.
Anyway his sister started behaving badly slagging us both off on fb, shouting at dh etc he really tried to solve things but his sis was done with us for reasons we still don't know.
We weren't able to go to family parties as we were warned sil would kick off if we went and dd's first Xmas mil refused to see her as it would upset sil.
From that tensions started with mil leading to her shouting at me and blaming me for causing problems between Dh and sis when I was 7 months pregnant and in front of our dd.
After mil ignored our newborn ds being rushed to hospital and being seriously ill for a week I decided enough was enough and I could not be civil with her anymore I went nc. Since then Dh and dc see her for half hour every couple of weeks this has been ok, Mil asked if I'd 'fallen out with her' Dh didn't go into it but said I was upset with her behaviour and nothing has been said since.
My dd has now started noticing I'm always out when mil comes round and wants to know why. Can this Carry on the way it Isi don't know what the resolution is but it all feels so wrong

Ridiculously long sorry

I think your DH should go to her house rather than you having to leave your own house.

Do you want to reinstate contact? If so, I think she needs to apologise.

I had a similar situation where my DSis and I saw our grandparents but my DP were NC - my DP sat me down and explained that they weren't getting on with grandparents and were not going to see them anymore but that we could if that was what we wanted. They said that all 4 loved us both and that was what mattered.
It helped me know where everyone stood; but you know your DC best for if this might work for them.

My dd is very little still not 5 yet and ds a toddler so they wouldn't understand- she's been saying 'you're always away when nan comes do you not know her?' I've just said mummy is busy the night nan comes so far.
If she had apologised sooner and not tried to put the blame on me I think we could have moved past it but that wasn't even a consideration- 2 year in a row xmas card to Dh, dd and ds like I don't even exist.

I would tell your DD that you don't see your MIL because she said some horrible things to you, and wouldn't say sorry, and that you don't put up with rude people.

And I think your DH should not entertain his mother in your house when she is so awful to you. If he wants to see her, he should go to her.

Think this arrangement suits her quite well actually but I wouldn't stop her seeing them out of spite, my concerns are as they are getting older this is a strange msg to be sending out to them isn't it.

Your DH shouldn't be letting her in YOUR house for starters as that's only going to make it more obvious for ds/dd. I'd restrict contact to a couple of times a year at their place or neutral ground, dc will be less likely to pick up on anything and she won't be in your life so much that way either

It's been at our house because ours is set up for the kids and mil house is not child friendly. They have met at a nearby coffee shop a couple of times so maybe a neutral venue going forward if things carry on as they are.

See, I don't understand this :

Mil asked if I'd 'fallen out with her' Dh didn't go into it but said I was upset with her behaviour and nothing has been said since.

If you have made a decision to never speak to her again, then explain to her why. You might not think she needs it explaining, but if she is asking, then just make it clear. Don't pretend you happen to be out. Be clear you have made a conscious decision that you no longer want her in your life.

Have your dh take the dc to her - don't leave your home to avoid her.

Be honest with your dc. You don't have to go into detail, but say that you and she don't get on, but she is still their Nan / Grandma and that doesn't stop them having a relationship with her.

I have had similar with family,

Initially DH would go with the DC and spend time with MIL however it wasn't sustainable (i would hide upstairs)

However she started to say things about me to DH in front of the girls and then aldo directly to them.. I.e; mummy doesn't like nanny, your mummy is very cross with nanny and she doesn't know why

I couldn't continue it and DH had enough so NC was the only option

Back for good she's never approached me since to ask why and we never spoke one on one without Dh, if I ever bumped into her and she asked id be honest but the opportunity has never come up.

Shame your DH has let this go on for so long. Why didn't he bring it to a head when MIL asked what was wrong? It's his family after all.

I wish he had he did obviously intervene when she shouted at me when pregnant told her it was unacceptable and that she was wrong pinning the blame on me and that it was between him and his sister but that was it.

Nothing else mentioned since then