To think rubbish parents leave a lasting legacy

[BetterWithCake]

A bit of background. DH does his best to be a great Dad which is hard sometimes as he didn’t have a great role model in his own DF. His DF was incredibly successful in his career but is cold, distant and very dismissive of anything DH does as he didn’t emulate his success. His DM was self absorbed and just wanted him to finish school get a job and move out. Meanwhile his sibling was treated completely differently and given huge support, encouragement and financial help through several career changes and breaks to study.

Being a father himself has magnified DHs feelings about how his parents treated him and sometimes this gets him down. He tries very hard not to repeat the same mistakes but sometimes he can be quite harsh on our DCs and does a lot of ‘when I was your age’ type rants. He always apologises if he has been too harsh but I find myself having to deal with the fallout quite a lot.

Sometimes I feel like letting my PIL know that their shit parenting has had a lasting impact on their DS and is also now affecting my DC.

WIBU?

It does make things a great deal more difficult but your partner can either chose to carry on the vicious cycle, or break the cycle. It's not easy to break, but can be done.

You can't tackle them now.

Growing up I had poor role models but I'm now an adult and can make my own choices.

If he has poor parenting moments that's down to him. He is an adult and knows right from wrong.

You can't do much about the in laws - and I probably wouldn't recommend tackling them about it - I've found from my own experience that no matter what my DP has said, and no matter how gently, they just won't hear it and it's frustrated him even more.

But yes, I know how you feel. My DP had a shockingly volatile childhood that left him with a very emotionally unstable outlook on things most people wouldn't. A lot of conflict is met with defensiveness and/or anger, and it caused a lot of pain for him and I. He grew up thinking it was normal, or at least not that bad, until he really spoke about it - he's had help to gather this thoughts and discuss what he disliked about his childhood and through our own discussions, I've tried to explain that what his parents put him through wasn't normal or kind. He struggles not to default to his adaptive behaviours (that being the ones he has learnt/grown up with) but he acknowledges far quicker than most that when he does act like that, it isn't how he wants to.

It's heartbreaking to see as I know he isn't a mean or horrible person, just someone that was treated like shit.

Also - one thing to mention is that he is now an adult, so needs to take responsibility for how HE acts. Although childhood experiences are one thing, he can elect not to repeat the same pattern if he's aware that their behaviour was unkind or hurtful. Whenever my DP starts to blame his behaviour on his parents, I try to gently remind him that he is his own person, and how he acts is his responsibility only.

Absolutely what pp said. Yes it has a lasting impact but as an adult it is up to the individual to address and fix their own issues and behaviour!
I had crap parenting so have no clue how to be a mother. So basically I have learned how to parent from various books, picking out the bits that work for us. I have friends who take the piss that I use books to parent, but if I went by instinct I would be harsh, shouty, and use smacking. I have to rein myself in a lot and NOT do what comes naturally when I'm cross with the kids. Sometimes I fail at that - especially when tired - but we are all only human.
Its up to him to see his failures and Try harder next time. That's what I expect of both myself and my kids, and it's all anyone can ask.

My PiLs are utterly crap too, and never put my DP first, for a number of reasons, and the older our kids get the more obvious it becomes that there is a significant gap between how she wants to raise our kids and how she was raised herself. Its so sad and has caused her mental health issues as the memories of her crap childhood come up as ours kids grow.

But, she is on meds, going to counselling and reads lots of parenting stuff and asks me folks for advice. She knows more than I do because she has to try so hard to make up for a crap example she's had. It's really hard for her, and hard for me to see her upset too.

I'd love to tell my PiLs just how much they've hurt her, but it would do no good, because they can't change their behaviour and she still wants a relationship with them, and wants our kids to have one with them too (supervised).

Thanks all for your comments. I agree Butt that it is DHs choice not to repeat the same behaviour and he is very aware of this. He is also very quick to acknowledge when he could have handled things better. He loves our DC so much and is 100% a better parent than his Dad was.

I guess it’s hard because I see how much he has been hurt by two people who are supposed to love him most. Just makes you wonder way people have kids if they are going to treat them badly.

BetterWithCake - that's great that your DH acknowledges it - I found with my DP that was the first step - for years he didn't realise that he was replicating a lot of the behaviours his mum did (shouty, defensive, selfish, arrogant) and once he became aware of it, he sought therapy (hypnotherapy) to remedy it. He's so much better now - although he has his moments, and he's a much better partner and father because of it.

Pressed enter too soon-

His mum was abused as child as well, so she had a shit upbringing, and part of his healing from it was to try and empathise (something he struggles with sometimes) that his mum was also subjected to a bad upbringing. Whilst she's never seen her abuse as a reason for the way she is, he's learnt to accept that she herself was treated like shit. That helped him come to terms with some behaviours growing up.