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Original poster

To feel like I don't know my dad anymore

24 replies

Cheekylittlenumber · 29/12/2017 09:01

Yesterday my mum told me she had found out my dad has had a series of affairs throughout their marriage.

They're in their late 70's and have been married for 50 years. She's understandably devastated and found out in February, and had told my sisters who live with my parents back in August, so they've had longer to come to terms with it.

The three affairs all happened before I was born, but one of them lasted for 8 years and with my mums employee and friend.

I just feel like I don't know him at all, and even though this all happened over 30 years ago (well that's when it ended) I feel so angry that he could have done that and kept it a secret for so long.

He's been in ill health this year, lost a lot of weight saying he has no appetite and I think it's the guilt/shame. I don't know how to react/act when I see him. My sisters have both confronted him about it and had many discussions, but at the moment I feel like I never want to see him again.

My mum ran her own business growing up and worked bloody hard whilst always coming home and cooking a home cooked meal from scratch, but growing up my dad was always the 'fun' one and I resented my mum for not spending time with me. Now I see things for how they were and see how useless my dad was. (He was a SAHD in between projects/helping my mum but didn't do any cleaning/cooking, my eldest sister basically brought me up.)

I just feel so strange, like I don't know him at all. Couldn't sleep last night. Now I have two DC of my own I can't imagine how he could do this.

OP posts:
NotSuchASmugMarriedNow1 · 29/12/2017 09:05

I'm sorry OP that must have been an awful shock for you. I think our mothers were of a generation that didn't have it as easy as us in many ways and had to put up with a lot more shit than we did.

I don't think your fathers weight loss is due to guilt/shame either.

Original poster
Cheekylittlenumber · 29/12/2017 09:11

Thanks NotSuchA I am in total shock. I can't believe he is capable of such deceit. His father was the same and I always thought he hated him for it as he idolised his mother.

Guess I need time to come to terms with it.

OP posts:
ILoveMillhousesDad · 29/12/2017 09:19

What a shock. I can understand your anger.

Your poor mum.

Calvinlookingforhobbs · 29/12/2017 09:22

This must really hurt. Try really hard to understand that your dad can be both. He can be rheloving, fun father you remember and also a man capable of having affairs. He is human. And he made mistakes. You need time to process this and come to terms with it but ultimate, don’t want too much time. It sounds like you had a good childhood. Focus on the love you felt.

CuriousaboutSamphire · 29/12/2017 09:24

You will need time, possibly quite a lot of it.

DSIS is working her, very angry, way through the realisation that our DF is a scam artist and he has taken her money for a pleasant ride for a very long time!

He had successfully kept us apart so anything I ever said was just me being jealous! So now she has his behaviour to mull over and her own - she was quite vitriolic towards me for a number of years and doesn't seem to be very forgiving of herself.

All you can do is make sure you don't bury it. Do talk about it. DO be angry about it... you'll need to find time to be angry with your DM too, you will need to work out why she facilitated the behaviour she did know about it! That is what my DSIS is finding most difficult at the moment - her own mother allowed the financial scamming to occur, even when it was her own daughter - that and allowing me to be ostracised for no other reason than I didn't bow down to his superiority!

It can be really hard to get your head round. I used to idolise our DF, my sister looked up to our DM as her life role model. But you can do it... Good luck!

Original poster
Cheekylittlenumber · 29/12/2017 10:53

Calvinlooking that's how my DH is trying to get me to rationalise it, that he can be both a loving dad and also a bad husband. My DH experienced similar with his dad.

Curiousabout I need to get the courage to speak to him about it. He's not in very good health and I need to have some sort of relationship with him while he's still here, even though I'll never forgive him for what he's done.

OP posts:
CuriousaboutSamphire · 29/12/2017 11:08

If you don't get the chance, or decide it isn't worth it, then that is OK!

I have never challenged mine. I have just slowly reduced contact and am unlikely to ever talk to him about any of it. I just can't be bothered. He is who and what he is. I will keep the good memories I have, all rose tinted I am sure, and will simply acknowledge in my own head, to DH and DSIS, that DF simply isn't a nice man.

I don't owe him anything. He owes me nothing. No explanation would be able to clear up anything. So I just won't bother. He can think of that what he will!

Original poster
Cheekylittlenumber · 29/12/2017 20:33

Thanks Curiousabout, I keep 'playing out' how I would confront him about it and I just don't know where to start. Think I'll leave it to sink in before doing anything. I'm sorry to hear about your situation too.

OP posts:
CuriousaboutSamphire · 30/12/2017 08:46

Don't be sorry for me. I can honestly say that I have worked through it all and can happily separate my lived experience of a very happy childhood from the reality, that both parents were a tad odd!

Good luck working through it all.

hevonbu · 30/12/2017 08:52

Let him tell his side of the story, just listen.

RedHelenB · 30/12/2017 08:55

If it all happened before you were born I don't really see it as being g anything to do with you. No need to say anything. As an adult you should now realise no one is perfect. I think YABU.

Ilovecamping · 30/12/2017 09:01

Don't understand why your mum told you, it happened within their marriage and has nothing to do with their children.

wednesdayswench · 30/12/2017 09:01

This must be a terrible shock and really hurt, I suppose it has made you look back and question everything which is understandable.

Everything you remember won't be a 'lie' though, have a conversation with him, try to find forgiveness. If he is unwell it is best to act soon.

I would also say what you have said above to your DM about seeing all the has done for you with fresh eyes, that is a lovely and appreciative sentiment.

Chchchchangeabout · 30/12/2017 09:03

That sounds really tough OP. I would strongly suggest your dad sees a GP about weight loss and lack of appetite though. Losing weight without trying is a big red flag for health, and things can often be done if sorted earlier rather than later.

hevonbu · 30/12/2017 09:04

What is the worst part? That he lied about it? Or that your parents didn't divorce when it happened, when you were a child? Or that it was repeated? Or that you found out this late in his life? Would it have been better not to know the truth? Or the suspicion he might have lied about other things also? There are many facets to the story. You don't really have to forgive anything as there is probably no such question asked and it can't be done, accepting the mere fact as a truth possibly, but not "forgiving" that doesn't seem adequate.

CuriousaboutSamphire · 30/12/2017 09:04

I think Cheeky is entitled to think it through. This news has completely changed her view of the man she has known all her life.

Saying that she should know no one I perfect is quite different from the sudden realisation that a much lived parent is not who you thought they were takes a lot of adjustment.

Telling someone that they ABU for needing to work through that sort of change isn't helpful.

CuriousaboutSamphire · 30/12/2017 09:06

Ooh! So many cross posts Smile

I was responding to RedHelen.

W0rriedMum · 30/12/2017 09:08

No advice but I would also find it hard.

Discussing it might make you more angry. Your mum wasn't there for him? No because she was working herself to death supporting the family. It was what he learned growing up? He saw how upset his own mum and how that made him feel. Why did he repeat that cycle?

How did it come out in February? Are there likely to be more revelations?

stickytoffeevodka · 30/12/2017 09:08

I would say, unfortunately, that this weight loss is probably ill-health related and that's why he's suddenly come clean to your mum after all these years.

I'm sorry you've found out about your dad's behaviour like this though Thanks

Firesuit · 30/12/2017 09:21

The mere fact that someone has had affairs would not make me regard them as having done anything wrong.

It may well have been selfish in the overall context of the relationship at the time, but you probably don't have most of the facts you'd need to judge that.

TossDaily · 30/12/2017 10:03

Why on earth did your mum feel the need to share that information with you all?

Is she trying to punish him? Bit late for that.

I'm sure the shock will wear off shortly, OP. Parents are human beings like the rest of us, with all sorts of flaws and skeletons in our cupboards. Bet your mum's got a few things lurking in hers that she wouldn't want you to know.

Anyway, it sounds like your dad sorted himself out once you and your sisters came along, which is unusual and in a way admirable. Surely that means that your childhood memories of your dad are anything but a lie?

Having children turned his life around.

Original poster
Cheekylittlenumber · 30/12/2017 13:43

My mum found out in February through Facebook with the woman who my dad had been seeing for four years early in their marriage. She was also an enployee of my mum. My mum found her on Facebook and added her to catch up with her which is when she told my mum via FB of the affair.

This woman then managed to find my mums phone number and then in August when my sister was sitting with her this woman left a voicemail on the phone which must have been quite outing. My sister then demanded to know what was going on as my DM had been very emotional and not her usual self, and then the voicemail of this woman apologising for want went on (I actually don't know what the voicemail said specifically)

My mum kept it to herself from Feb to August, and then told me after Christmas as my sisters said I should know the truth.

I still feel really angry about it all. I accept no one is perfect, but the fact he kept it to himself for so long I find hard to swallow. It's of course my mum and dads business, and I accept you never really know what's going on in any relationship and I've only heard my mums side. But I still feel so sad for my mum.

I'm trying to disconnect my childhood from this, but the second OW (who was with my dad for 8 years) was also a part of my life growing up, she stayed friends with my mum so I spent time with her.

Just feel so odd.

OP posts:
lazyarse123 · 30/12/2017 13:57

Your poor mum, you need to take your lead from her. My husband had an 8 year affair when my children were small. I forgave him and we are still together and there are still some times (it ended over 20 years ago) when I want to tell my kids just what a bastard their dad had been but I hope I never do. I imagine your mum didn't want any of you to find out. Good luck with whatever you decide to do.

wednesdayswench · 30/12/2017 14:14

Your poor mum :-(

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