To be terrified of turning into my mum?

[MyNewBalloon]

Is it inevitable that we turn into our parents? I see all the bad traits of my mum in me and hate it. I'm constantly monitoring what I say and do because I think I'm acting like her. I worry that DD will pick up the same traits.

Things I have noticed ( I could give specific examples, but I'd be here all day):
Passive aggressive
Drama queen
Quick tempered
A bit shouty
Inability to cope with stress
Crying a lot
Constantly seeking approval and sympathy instead of just getting the fuck on with stuff.

The first and the last are the main ones. I hate those traits in my mum and I see them in me. Can I stop them or is it just the way I am?!

I hear ya! I feel exactly the same. I don't have kids yet but TTC after MMC in August. Seeing a psychotherapist about my issues as don't want to affect any kids we might be lucky enough to have.

Then I feel horrible horrible guilt at feeling this way about my mother. A lot of it wasn't her fault - she was abandoned by her own mother as a child so no wonder she had issues bonding with me.

The worst bit his her critical voice. Me in 2016 "I've got a place in the London Marathon". Her: "well, I can't see you doing that". Well I bloody well did, on 11 weeks training from nothing.

She's critical, unsupportive, sensationalist, catty, negative and wonders why I don't want her huggging me when I see her.

But the guilt of feeling this way is immense.

I fought turning into my mum for years, I could only see the bits I didn't like. Now she's dead (some 20 years) I've been able to accept it and see the positives. Yes, she could be critical, but that meant she had good taste (and was usually right). Yes, she could be forthright, but that was because she wouldn''t take crap from anyone (including me).

It's in my genes, I'm not going to fight it like I did when she was alive. And because I've experienced being on the receiving end, I try to temper my responses to be more diplomatic. I think this approach only works because she's dead though!

Glad it's not just me. My mum has a lot to deal with at the moment, but up until about 4 years ago she'd had a pretty charmed adult life. Everyone knows she has a lot of stress at the moment, so I feel bad for feeling the way I do about her, but the constant self pitying and crying is driving me mad. And then inevitably it'll turn into anger and ill get the brunt of it.

Then I'll have a row with DP about something silly and I'll see all the 'mum' traits coming out and I hate myself!

I hear you OP. Since I have grown my grey hair out I look like mine as well !

It does seem from your list of traits as if you could do with some coping strategy for stress. Perhaps this would help reduce the crying. It can't feel good to be crying a lot unless it's at very trivial stuff.

I can tend towards my mother's traits of : over-worrying, caring way too much what others think ( as in trying to do the right thing - this has got a lot less as I've got older though ), mildly passive aggressive. Mum can be slightly controlling and that is the one which I have not allowed to get in the door. I don't think !

On the positive side I do hope I have inherited her very supportive nature and ability to see the best in people, and her optimism.

If being passive-aggressive is one of the problems, you could try some assertiveness training. Being conscious of it and learning some better strategies might help stop you falling into it too much.

If you stop being passive aggressive and learn to ask for what you want and need, you might start to value yourself more and then you won’t need to seek others’ approval.

Good luck.

Same here. I am NC with my mother due to her toxic behaviour and I worry that I am toxic too, so not straightforward really.

It’s hard to know if I take after what would be classed as ‘normal’ behaviour from her, and the toxic behaviour. The line is in the fine sand.

I’m speaking my mind a lot more, saying how I feel, telling some uncomfortable truths, (yes, I’m talking to you MIL), but I don’t know if that is normal after going NC after all the manipulation over the years.
Sorry, I didn’t mean to make that all about me. Mums are only human too, and yes we’re going to take after them in some way, but as you care about it, it means you can stand back and see where any faults lie, and avoid them xxx

Hope that made sense 💐

God, I hear you. I have been wondering this myself a lot lately. I have been slightly surprised when I looked at my own behaviour as we have always had a testing relationship And I made lots of promises to myself over the years to never be like her.

Another worry is the opposite extreme in some areas that seems to be just as damaging. For example mine never spent quality time with me, no days out or holidays or even bed time stories; always at arms length. I was determined to never be like that but sadly I seem to nearly kill myself doing it all as nothing ever feels enough! Arghhh!!

Oh gosh i've found at least 3 sisters i didn't know i had here!

I think self awareness is key. It IS exhausting monitoring your behavior so as to stay likable and approachable (unlike my mother) - but if the alternative is to slip into old age with everyone eye-rolling behind your back and dreading spending time with you then it's well worth the effort.

My relationship with my older 3 daughters now (teens and 20s) is already a million miles ahead of the relationship i had with my mother at their age. So it's so worth the effort.

Sorry when I sad Mums are human too, I meant normal Mums

Omg, I think I AM my mum. Not only do I catch sight of a reflection that looks like her, only to realise it's me, but I hear myself sometimes and I sound just like her.

I've developed a bit of a hoarding tendency, she was a dreadful hoarder; I'm incapable of doing any serious amount of housework before I lose the will to live, she almost gave up completely; I'm getting less and less inclined to socialise, she became quite a recluse; I'm getting increasingly indecisive, she could barely decide what to eat for lunch, so had the same every day.

Worst of all, I'm getting forgetful and she had Alzheimers.

Sorry for your mum lakielady my mum's partner has dementia, it's truly awful.

I try to be self aware, but usually it happens after the event, and then I get pissed off with myself because I didn't stop my 'mum traits'.

My mum is the sort of woman who gets thrown out of parties for starting arguments. She's notorious for arguing with family and creating horrible atmospheres. Luckily I don't have these traits, I'm a lot quieter, probably because of her overbearing, outspoken nature.

I think self aware is the first step, then actively changing what bits you don't like. My mother is depressingly negative and the world is against her, she also picks at everything my father does and I have a diluted version but since having kids I have slowly eroded them away, mostly anyways. I found thinking about the scenarios where I'd been unhappy with how I acted/reacted and imagining what I could have done really helped. I was also sick of beating myself up about everything I did so decided I needed to either accept who I am or change it. Focus on who you want to be not who your mother is and if you have to reduce contact or call her out on behaviour then do it

I think just the fact you are aware of this helps. Yes these things are in our genes and you will have her traits. But you also are aware of the behaviours which she has that annoy others so you're much more likely to control those. While some behaviours are genetic, you can then use the environment and conscious awareness to change them and learn to be different.
I too worry about some of my parents traits. Some I can't control so easily - I no longer have the same crippling shyness as during childhood but I do doubt myself and have to force myself into some social situations. Others, like being a bit cold or short (your marathon example is spot on my mother!), I can make a conscious effort not to be like that. My surroundings, generation, partner etc. all make me different.

A different trait but similarly something I was scared was so engrained...
I was terrified my kids would inherit the painful shyness I had during childhood and that my OH would find it frustrating (he is from an uber confident family and doesn't really 'get' shyness). But because I was conscious of it my DD (who is very much my genes and character in every way!) is able to chat to strangers, quietly confident and always encouraged to have a go. She still has my other traits like being a good listener, very conscious of others' emotions and not necessarily an extrovert. Just the different setting and way I see my OH chat to the kids, be extrovert around them and encourage them has made such a difference. I've seen that my parents' way of bringing me up probably didn't help with some of my traits and adjusted my parenting based on this. Looking back, my parents never modelled chattiness or confidence with me then spent my childhood moaning about how shy and quiet I was.

It'll be ok :)

I am not in anyway saying you are as bad as you believe. But those traits you list might be managed with CBT (stress or anger management etc)? Would that be a positive step to help you acknowledge that your childhood may have given you a perhaps ineffective set of coping mechanisms?

Mindfulness really helps me, luckily not everything about my mum is bad, which is good as we're so alike. But mindfulness helps me not slip into her traits that I find undesirable. Plus I tell my husband that if I start sounding too much like my mum he is to nudge me back in the right direction

I told DD you can't go out dressed like that yesterday. So much an echo of my Mum who was very controlling over my clothes and still telling me what I should wear in my 20s when I had lived away for years.
I do normally only comment on DDs clothes to tell her she looks good but yesterday I just couldn't help myself.

My DM died just over 6 years ago. I was close to her and loved her dearly but OMG did she annoy me sometimes. She could be a bit of a drama queen,got upset about minor details and had an infuriating habit of 'jumping the gun', i.e. not being able to wait until I'd reached the conclusion of something I was telling but jumping in with questions halfway through. Sometimes it seemed to me that every sentence she uttered began with the word why,where,how,what,who,or when. I sometimes got the impression that she would say the exact opposite to me just to annoy me,e.g.If I said a TV programme was a repeat,she'd insist that it was new,if I said it was new,she'd be adamant that it was a repeat. I could never watch anything on the TV with her around as she would be constantly asking questions about the plot,or who was who. I'd end up missing half of it explaining things to her. And she'd never listen properly to anything I said. If I said 'I'll get to your place for 4pm hopefully. I've' got to wait in for a parcel to be delivered,so I may be a bit later,but I shouldn't be later than 5',she would switch off before I even said the second sentence and then ask me why I had got there at 5 when I said I'd be there at 4! But I do miss her.