Brother wants to make contact after five years?

[Estavino]

Cut a long story shorter I was extremely close to my much older brother growing up. He was somewhat like a father figure but he's always been a perfectionist, narcissist and has never been able to understand how others aren't like him.

He saw himself as my mentor, but when I got to around 16 I developed my own beliefs and saw the world through my own eyes which he didn't like. I pushed a few boundaries (nothing huge, taking Btec instead of A-levels /didn't get into a Russell group/stopped playing sports etc) generally all the things he 'advised' me not to. To him I was a failure, so much so I stopped answering the phone as all I was getting was abuse because of my life decisions. We started to drift away as he didn't speak to anyone else in the family, I begged for forgiveness (a 6 page letter) when I was at uni but nada.

Apparently he's met someone new who's brought him back to earth. They spent Christmas with my cousin and apparently he really misses me and is going to get in contact with me in the new year. Life hasn't turned out the way I thought it would, I've had to care for sick relatives, I didn't get the grades I wanted at uni, I haven't been able to get a grad job/didn't like my course so nothing in that field either. Basically i'm ashamed, fragile and spent the last couple of years having to strip myself back to work out what my own opinions are, what my actual interests are, what I want to do in life etc etc.

All I've wanted the last few years was my brother. But now he's going to get back in contact with me, I can't help but feel angry. I've spent years going over the teenage years and I didn't do anything wrong. I know he only wanted the best for me and it was all out of love but he messed me up. I can't just pretend that none of it ever happened.

I want to be ready for when he makes contact. I feel like I am too fragile at the moment to see him, and until I get myself a proper job/my own place/better mind set I can't go back to him giving me 'advice', or digs, but more so he made me so competitive as a kid I can't help but think I failed when I think of him.

Argh.

He sounds awful. You begged for forgiveness? He sounds utterly toxic. I don't think it would be healthy for you to be in contact with him right now

It is difficult to unpick what has happened from the distance of the internet. I would find a warm, supportive counsellor to work it all through with

I agree with the above. Family is family I get that, but there’s a fine line between thinking of your interests and making you feel like crap. For the moment I’d say don’t make any contact, for your own peace of mind and wellbeing. If things are going great for him it’ll only make you feel worse. I’m sorry you’re going through all this but you sound like you’ve got it worked out what’s going on. I hope things improve and good luck xx

He sounds / sounded a bit controlling.

I'd be very careful with flinging open the door and your heart to him. Maybe test the water but already have a clear idea of how you will nip any picking at you in the bud

Thank you ladies.

I'm just wondering what to reply if he does get in contact. I've spent years of feeling guilty and wishing for us to get back together. This last year I came to the realisation that it never would, and the feeling of love turned to hate. Since I heard he's wanting to get in contact all I can feel is pure anger of him thinking he can just meet for coffee after 5 years.

My family think i'm being ridiculous and stubborn as he's finally making the first step and everyone is desperate for us all to get back together again.

Ffs, I hate Christmas, brings all these family feelings to the surface.

So you think he’ll immediately start telling you how to live again? And that you need to be in a good job and a better place before meeting up with him? Do you not see how awful that makes him sound? Why do you want him back in your life? You don’t need a ‘father figure’ now.

My brother and I no longer have a great relationship and part of that was the age difference and the father figure role that he took on because of my parents. Damage has been done but sadly the biggest damage was my mums mental health which resulted in a sibling relationship becoming more parental and the backlash that came with it. Even now decades later we cannot get back to being just brother and sister.