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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think i might as well be single??

31 replies

Marsupial · 28/12/2017 22:01

Married for 3 years. Mid 30s.

Feel like DH is never around, even when he's here.

Today for example. He was at work, I'm at home as workplace is closed.

Anyway I'm at home around 5. He decides to pop into his parents on the way home, no biggie, but comes home at 7.15ish. He comes in, sits down for about ten minutes, gets some leftovers for his dinner (I had already eaten). The dumps his plate on the kitchen side, complete with Mars bar wrapper and then announces he's having a shower. That was at about 8.

Haven't seen him since Confused

OP posts:
MyBrilliantDisguise · 28/12/2017 22:03

So he chats to his parents (presumably) and doesn't chat to you?

Could you wait to eat with him? Would he chat over a meal?

Original poster
Marsupial · 28/12/2017 22:07

I ate early tonight because I had missed lunch and was hungry and DH wasn't clear when he'd be back.

He will chat, but disappears off upstairs most evenings :(

OP posts:
Snowman41 · 28/12/2017 22:27

You are annoyed because your husband called in on his parents then had a shower after dinner?

There must be a MASSIVE back story?

Original poster
Marsupial · 28/12/2017 22:29

No, I'm not annoyed that he went to see his parents, I said that in my OP. And I'm not annoyed he had a shower.

I'm annoyed because he disappeared after his shower, never came back downstairs.

OP posts:
Snowman41 · 28/12/2017 22:31

Then I'm not sure why you mentioned the parents or the shower? I thought they were important factors.

Still you must have a back story to come because a man going upstairs isn't really much to be annoyed about

Original poster
Marsupial · 28/12/2017 22:32

And that was just an example of today.

Yesterday, he came in from work around 6.30. We had dinner, he did his packed lunch and the washing up.

Then he disappeared off upstairs again, and he was asleep by the time I went to bed.

OP posts:
Original poster
Marsupial · 28/12/2017 22:33

I guess I only mentioned parents to say why he was out until later than usual

OP posts:
Original poster
Marsupial · 28/12/2017 22:34

I'm not needy, I don't have to spend every waking moment with him. I just feel a bit lonely I suppose.

I will speak to him about it.

OP posts:
TheNaze73 · 28/12/2017 22:34

I think you’re being a bit harsh

cestlavielife · 28/12/2017 22:35

Go join him in the shower?

Original poster
Marsupial · 28/12/2017 22:37

Oh, is it pretty standard for other couples to not spend time together most evenings?
Even if I think is quietly getting on with whatever individually?

I guess I'm expecting too much

OP posts:
legohouse · 28/12/2017 22:39

I get you... I'm lonely too, it's horrid

Giraffey1 · 28/12/2017 22:43

OP, I don’t know why people are being unknind to you and ignoring the issue. You’re saying that your H doesn’t seem to want to spend time with you when he is at home, and this is a regular occurrence. I don’t blame you for being unhappy, I don’t know know many married couples who would be. Have you tried asking him why he appear to be avoiding you?

Snowman41 · 28/12/2017 22:45

Well if it's every evening and you never see him then of course it's a problem. That's what I meant about a back story? What happened just one night doesn't really give enough to make a judgement as to whether this is unreasonable or not.

CommanderDaisy · 28/12/2017 22:59

What does he do upstairs that he can't in the lounge?

Gemini69 · 28/12/2017 23:02

He sounds like a selfish self centered DICK.... why are you with Him.. is there any love respect or affection Xmas Confused

yo don't have to live this way OP... you have options... Flowers

Kintan · 28/12/2017 23:06

I don’t think this is normal behaviour OP. Has he always been like this? I would feel lonely too in your circumstances if this is a snapshot of a typical evening for you. Everyone needs their own space now and again (more frequently for some people depending on individual temperaments), but I’d be pretty annoyed if my husband didn’t want to spend any time with me. Have you brought it up with him before?

Sparklesocks · 28/12/2017 23:07

Have you spoken to him about it?

Margaritaanyone89 · 28/12/2017 23:17

He's had a long day, eats something, showers and what's some down time. Maybe he's an introvert and needs to re-charge his batteries, maybe he's tired, maybe he's got a lot to think about. Give him a break.

Don't expect him to read your mind. If you're lonely downstairs..... go upstairs! Interact with him.

Did you expect him to be some sort of performing monkey when he got home? :S

Rainbowmother · 28/12/2017 23:18

Whats he doing up there?

How would he be if you went and joined him to hang out?

MrTrebus · 28/12/2017 23:24

Firstly what is he doing up there and why aren't you going up there to find out? Also why haven't you talked to him about this? Does he know how you're feeling?

theliterarycat · 28/12/2017 23:30

It's not right. My dh used to disappear in the front room in front of the tv every night.
It was like being single without the benefits.
Now he lives somewhere else we get on better and when he comes here he actually talks to me. And yet I do not think we have enough to share our lives in that way - hence the problem. He was actively avoiding me.

I am far from needy but I was doubting myself too. There is a big difference between being needy and being ignored and you know which one it is.

I wiuld speak to him and see where it gets you.

RaspberryOverload · 28/12/2017 23:33

He's had a long day, eats something, showers and what's some down time. Maybe he's an introvert and needs to re-charge his batteries, maybe he's tired, maybe he's got a lot to think about. Give him a break.

Don't expect him to read your mind. If you're lonely downstairs..... go upstairs! Interact with him.

Did you expect him to be some sort of performing monkey when he got home?

OP said this was a snapshot, that he disappears upstairs all the time. Seems he's making no effort at all with his wife.

OP, yes, have a talk with your DH. If after the talk he still doesn't show any sign of wanting to spend time with you, then I think you need to take a good look at your relationship and determine if this is what you want for the rest of your life. I'm not saying LTB, but to look at the pros and cons of the marriage and seeing if staying or leaving is the best thing to do.

pinkdelight · 29/12/2017 00:19

What is he doing upstairs is the big question that needs answering, surely? If he's knackered and going to bed with a book that's one thing. If he's gaming or online or wanking himself silly then that's not on night after night. What does he say when you raise the issue? What are you doing downstairs that he doesn't want to be part of? What did you used to do together? If he really doesn't want to talk to you or watch a bit of telly together or a film ever then sadly yanbu and would be better off alone.

Original poster
Marsupial · 29/12/2017 12:33

Oh, he just surfing and watching crap on his tablet. Rock and Mortgage, you tube etc.

I will talk to him tonight, he was asleep when I went up.

I'm it keen to keep "chasing" DH, like following him upstairs etc. Seems petty, but that what it feels like. Like I'm always going to him.

OP posts:
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