If people say they aren't doing presents then they do presents

[AintNoOtherFan]

Been with dp for 18 months, last Christmas we were quite new so didn't do Christmas with each other's families. This year my dp hasn't had a great year work wise and was struggling a bit towards Christmas.

His family (Mum,dad,brother) told him they weren't doing presents this year for adults, just the kids (I think that was partly to take pressure off of him and partly because they said they have everything they need/want anyway.) I was going to get them some wine or little gifts but when my dp told me that I didn't worry and made some fudge to take for them as a token because they were hosting Boxing Day at their house.

At Christmas it's only ever been me and my mum (my sister lives away) so I'm not used to lots of family/christmas.

When we got there I gave them my fudge and they liked it etc. But when they were doing presents it became apparent that his mum/dad and brother had bought me presents. Dp's brother said "I know we weren't doing presents but.." and handed out presents. They weren't just token gifts either, I was given a bottle of gin, chocolates, a next gift card for £20, some smellys etc. It was lovely but my goodness did I feel awkward! And embarrassed! My dp said not to worry about it but I still feel awkward.

So when a partner's family say they are only buying the (young) children gifts at Christmas is this code for "we say that but actually we are going to buy you something..?"

Don't feel awkward. You stuck to the agreed arrangement.

Do people normally stick to the agreement or do people just buy gifts anyway?

Same happened to me. They said no presents. We got (small, but still) presents. It is awkward.

I think at Christmastime, of you are invited for one of the main celebrations, one should at least take some wine as well as gift like your fudge. I have a friend who never brings anything but eats and drinks a huge amount. I find her rude, and I have stopped inviting her as much.

My DH is the worst for this!
If we've had busy expensive years then we'll agree that we aren't doing presents, then on Christmas or Valentines Day I get handed a bag of lovely thoughtful gifts and could kick myself
I've told him how mad it makes me.

If the giver felt that they were in a good position financially and they were aware that things were a bit tough for you then maybe they didn't want you to feel you had to buy them presents and yet they wanted to treat you.
Presets aren't a form of exchange. They are for the giver to choose to give and the receiver to receive gratefully.

I bought MIL a couple of little presents from charity shops (less than £5 total). She gave a couple of token presents and a cheque for £50! I think she's very aware that I'm not in a position to treat myself just now.

I was sat there thinking this is lovely and at the same time kicking myself for not doing the same. Next year if they say no gifts I am going to buy some, leave them in the car then say "oh I've left mine in the car.." if they do give gifts! Although they might not do that now I didn't do them this year!

With that and his mum doing bubble and squeak which I hate with a passion I think I fucked up this year! I did try the bubble and squeak but it still tastes like farts to me!

I'll get used to the family lark one day!