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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

AIBU to think that our friendship has reached its sell by date?

19 replies

PaxUniversalis · 28/12/2017 11:47

I have been friends with someone for about a decade. She lives locally. When she and I met (through our husbands) we became friends straight away. We started meeting up for the occasional coffee or lunch. Since we met a couple of things have changed. I'm in a new job, she's in a new job and we're both really busy with work and we've had to deal with ageing and dying relatives. And also sometimes life gets in the way.

However the last couple of years I feel that she's less keen to meet up with me. It's always me instigating the meet ups. Whenever I send her a text asking her to meet up it can take a week or longer before I get a reply. Sometimes I get no reply at all. I had suggested we meet up between Christmas and the New Year but, again, I've had no reply.
To be honest I'm getting fed up of being the instigator. The thing is if I don't instigate then I won't hear from her. Or I won't hear for a very long time (e.g. 3 or 4 months, or longer).
I"m in a very busy job and I regularly work away so I like to plan meeting up with people ahead of time because I'm not always around.

It may be that she's just very busy and that she has no time or desire to meet up with people. But it sometimes feels like she is waiting to respond to my messages to see if she's got any better things on.
I mean how long does it take to send a text message to someone, something like 'can't meet up in next week, snowed under with work, will get back to you in a week or so', or 'sorry, am really busy right now but am free the week after next, are you around?'. It takes less than 1 minute to send a text message.
I always reply to text messages from friends within 24 hours, even if it's just to say I'm busy/away right now but will get back to them at the weekend (as an example).
I find not hearing from friends quite frustrating because it makes it really difficult to plan things, especially as I'm away for work regularly.

Has this friendship come to a natural end?

OP posts:

Sancerresanwine · 28/12/2017 11:50

I think you should let it lie and wait for her to get in touch for a while. Sometimes people just get used to the other person making the effort. If still nothing after 6 months or so, I think move on from the friendship. Don't be hurt, don't wonder why... Sometime people just need to move on, or away.

xxJoJoxx · 28/12/2017 11:51

I would find you really pushy, sorry. She's taken the lead, she either doesn't want to meet up or simply doesn't have the same priorities as you Since we met a couple of things have changed. I'm in a new job, she's in a new job and we're both really busy with work and we've had to deal with ageing and dying relatives. And also sometimes life gets in the way perhaps you've both evolved and no longer have anything in common. Either way, she has different priorities at present.

Original poster

PaxUniversalis · 28/12/2017 11:57

@xxJoJoxx

I would find you really pushy, sorry.

Pushy, really? No seriously, I always thought if you never push yourself forward you will never get noticed. If you don't sound keen to pursue a friendship or make an effort with people then people will move on and forget about you.

I don't have that many friends around here so I'd like to hold on to the ones I have.

OP posts:

Msqueen33 · 28/12/2017 12:01

I’d probably leave it now to be honest and see if she gets in touch. Maybe she’s busy or going through a tough time. If she wanted to see you she’d text you back at some point. I’d let it go for a bit.

goingonabearhunt1 · 28/12/2017 12:02

I think this happens quite a lot tbh. It's happened to me a few times. I give the person a chance to respond since you never know what's going on in someone's life but eventually you have to give up and concentrate on other friendships.

AimlesslyPurposeful · 28/12/2017 12:04

You don’t sound pushy - you sound like a lovely friend. However, circumstances have changed for you both therefore your friendship has changed too.

Perhaps you could stop asking her to meet up and just message her every few months to say hello and ask how she is. This way she knows you’re still thinking of her and a channel of communication is kept open but she won’t feel pressured into finding time to see you when she may be incredibly busy and not up to socialising.

Original poster

PaxUniversalis · 28/12/2017 12:06

@Msqueen33

I’d probably leave it now to be honest and see if she gets in touch.

I've tried this. I didn't hear back from her for about 6 or 7 months. That's quite a long time for local friends (within walking distance) I think.

OP posts:

xxJoJoxx · 28/12/2017 12:06

It's all about you though - what you like - personally I cant stand people who want to organise me and pin me down weeks in advance. You are dictating time frames - a text is just that, a text, it is not a command to answer within 24 hours. You are complaining it takes her too long to answer, that she hasn't fitted you in between Christmas and New Year. I really would find you exhausting to be round. I've had friends who have behaved similarly - they are now firmly on the back burner, they just suck the life blood out of me.

You strike me as rather intense. I always thought if you never push yourself forward you will never get noticed. If you don't sound keen to pursue a friendship or make an effort with people then people will move on and forget about you. I don't have that many friends around here so I'd like to hold on to the ones I have.

BerylStreep · 28/12/2017 12:09

I think if you are asking the question, you already know the answer.

Original poster

PaxUniversalis · 28/12/2017 12:12

@xxJoJoxx

I cant stand people who want to organise me and pin me down weeks in advance.

It may sound intense but a lot of it is work-related. My work life is ruled by timetables, schedules and forward planning (I work in Events). I know long in advance when I'm going to be away for my job. These dates are fixed and I cannot change this. So I try to make the most of the time that I'm around (free time). And that includes organising some things in advance. If I leave everything until the last minute then nothing will ever get done and I would never see my friends.

OP posts:

xxJoJoxx · 28/12/2017 12:23

Thats unfortunate, but she cant be expected to live her life by your diary availability.

To put a little more perspective on things; you met via your husbands 10 years ago - what were your common interests back then? Do you still share those? You both now have new jobs, with, dare I say it, new frinedships and collegues. People do move on. Their interests and common ground changes.

If I look back to the employment I had ten years ago, I have nothing in common with those people any more, they remain good acquaintances, but socialising would be excruciating, I'm not in the industry, I cannot join in the gossip and so forth. It doesnt mean I dislike them, quite the opposite, but .....

It's hard to accept, but your friend has now moved on, she has a new job which has increased demands on her time. And referring back to your initial post, elderly/dying relatives. Perhaps she simply doesnt want to go out?

And again, this is al about your wants and needs - not about hers.

Msqueen33 · 28/12/2017 12:30

That’s sad. I’d say if you’ve got 6/7 months without her texting you it might be time to give it a break and see what happens.

Original poster

PaxUniversalis · 28/12/2017 12:34

@xxJoJoxx

It's hard to accept, but your friend has now moved on

If this is the case then of course I will accept it, but I do think the polite thing to do would be to send me a reply saying that she's really busy and not sure when she'll be able to meet up again any time soon. Bad news is better than no news. Ignoring someone is just rude in my opinion.

OP posts:

bungle99 · 28/12/2017 12:36

I cant stand people who want to organise me and pin me down weeks in advance.

I have a friend who used to say things like this. She doesn't like booking things in advance but I think it was because she was always waiting to see if something more interesting was happening. 75% of the time she would bail out at last minute (not just me-i've witnessed it with many of her other friends) because she couldn't be bothered or something better has come up. I hardly ever see her now as i'd rather see my more reliable friends who are happy to book in advance (cos they understand that's the only way we'll all get to see each other).

OP, I would back off a bit. I know you have already left it for months and heard nothing from her, but if she's not getting intouch then it's time to accept that she's either too busy at the moment or she doesn't want to stay intouch. It's difficult to let go and very upsetting. You never know, she may well get back intouch with you when she's ready. I went through similar situation recently with one of my best friends. I've backed off a bit and let her do more of the instigating. I think she's just got alot on her plate and our lives have moved on, but we still see each other (just alot less frequently).

woundedbutwalking · 28/12/2017 12:45

I'm waiting to see my friend of 20+ years today. We haven't seen each other for a year & have communicated sporadically in that time. Thing is, life is busy & demanding for everyone! It took probably 10yrs to realise that although we're the best of friends we're not going to see much of each other!! I'm now not hurt when I don't see her as often as I'd like & leave it to her to contact me/arrange to meet up. Just because it's not friendship on your terms doesn't mean you can't continue to be friends, or that life won't change again & you'll become closer? I'd leave the door open.

xxJoJoxx · 28/12/2017 12:46

I have a friend who used to say things like this. She doesn't like booking things in advance but I think it was because she was always waiting to see if something more interesting was happening. In my case I just lose enthusiasm, I loathe the feeling of confinement, being organised, by the time the event arrives you can guarantee I'd rather a mug of coffee and a pair of pyjamas. However if you phoned me pre-pyjama time and asked if I fancied a meal out, I'd be very inclined to do act upon a spur of the moment thing. Sometimes I just feel too old to be gadding about.

As part of a couple in a freindship group there is anothe couple who forever try and nail you down to the next thing. You'll be half way through a really lovely meal out and BAM! They are planning the next thing - they take no time to enjoy what they are actually doing, no sensory perception of their environment. It's like going out with a pair of Duracell bunnies who haven't taken their Ritalin that day. Very wearying. And it is constant, they have to be entertained and occupied.

I have another friend who repeatedly texts until she gets an answer, ping, ping , ping, ping, its rude. I simply dont answer now until it suits me. And she interrogates as to why I dont answer straight away. I find it oppressive and stressful.

Nikephorus · 28/12/2017 13:37

I do think the polite thing to do would be to send me a reply saying that she's really busy and not sure when she'll be able to meet up again any time soon
It may be that she's not too busy, she just doesn't fancy seeing you and doesn't want to lie or give you false hope of a future meet (because then you'll keep contacting her asking when). If it's always you instigating it then there's a good chance she's not that bothered about a friendship right now, or at least not an active one. She doesn't owe you an explanation. Just accept that it's not happening right now and leave her be.

HappyAndRelaxed · 28/12/2017 13:42

I'd be straight up with her and ask. It seems a pity to end a friendship after a decade over what may just be a misunderstanding without saying something.

Original poster

PaxUniversalis · 28/12/2017 14:35

@xxJoJoxx

you met via your husbands 10 years ago - what were your common interests back then? Do you still share those? You both now have new jobs, with, dare I say it, new frinedships and colleagues

On the whole we still share the same interests - more or less.
The main difference in my own life is that I not only changed jobs but I changed career too. I now work in international Events. It is a real eye opener. I'm a lot more confident than before (I used to be quite reserved), I go away for business regularly, I work with people of different nationalities and I'm more assertive now than before. I'm finally working in a job that I enjoy completely.

Before I started my new career I was a bit of a wallflower really (in retrospect). I hardly ever pushed myself forward - despite my DH telling me to do so. I have since developed. I no longer shy away from speaking up and expressing my opinion. I now take initiative and approach people. I do things. I dress differently. I'm enjoying it and I feel good in myself. (Well it's about time - I'm in my late 40s!)

I guess I had expected my friend and I to become best friends. Sadly that hasn't really happened. We live in a small community and it's not that easy making friends here. I only have a handful of friends around here and we don't meet up that often.
To be honest I wouldn't know who to confide in, in case of a crisis. Perhaps I should make an effort to meet new people and find new interests/hobbies further afield.

OP posts:

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