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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think my relationship can't go on like this?

25 replies

timeforachangeithink · 28/12/2017 11:40

Bit of background. Been with my partner 5 years, have 1 ds 2 (in the process of autism diagnosis. Live in his house. Sold mine and have the equity in the bank. Plan was to buy a house together but he can't find anything he is happy with.

Basically he was amazing when we first met but has morphed into a horrible person who belittles me all the time. I have been walking on eggshells constantly for the past year and he has a go at me constantly for stupid little things. This has been worsened with my son's lack of sleep.

I work full time in a stressful job and have been struggling with anxiety and depression but have recently started taking medication for ot. It has opened my eyes in a big way to his behaviour. I suspect he may also be on the spectrum, pda would be my guess. He is selfish and rude and doesn't even seem to notice. I have no idea what I'm going to do. I've started standing up to him and he does not like it one bit.

Just looking for some advice and wisdom really.

OP posts:
ILoveMillhousesDad · 28/12/2017 11:44

Thank goodness you haven't bought a house with him and you have a nest egg.

You know exactly what you need to do, unless you want a lifetime of living like this, with your son growing up to view yours as the relationship model he should aspire to.

ILoveMillhousesDad · 28/12/2017 11:45

Sorry, that sounded rather abrupt.

I didn't mean it to. But why should you put up with being treated like a piece of shit, when you don't have to?

Foodylicious · 28/12/2017 11:49

Do you feel scared or frightened?
If so i would suggest getting yourself sorted by arrangong to stay with friends or renting somewhere cheapish before you tell him you are leaving and have a few people irl know what you are doing so they can help and support you.

rudolphslittlehelper · 28/12/2017 11:50

Does he also have autism? Many parents get a diagnosis after their children.

Sancerresanwine · 28/12/2017 11:51

I'd run for the hills, personally.

FizzyGreenWater · 28/12/2017 11:53

Thank goodness you haven't bought a house yet.

If you do nothing else right now, make sure that money is in an account in your name only. If it's in a joint account, move it now.

Then have a long think about how you want you and your son's life to be. He's horrible, belittles you, you walk on eggshells? Your son will get the same treatment.

Original poster
timeforachangeithink · 28/12/2017 11:55

I very much suspect that he is on the spectrum. He believes so also and has said it to me before (albeit when he had been drinking). He appears very social outwardly, much more than me but does not really do empathy and is very black and white with his thinking. I also suspect that I may be on the spectrum. I score very highly in tests and am poor in social situations but I have a high degree of empathy.

OP posts:
Eatalot · 28/12/2017 12:09

Op I think you know the answer. You can't try and justify abusive behaviour with an autism diagnosis. Even if he is on the spectrum he is capable of learning what hurts other people. There is always a fine line between where the aspergers stops and the personality kicks in and its hard to tell. All innapropriate behaviour should be tackled. If someone has autism it is just HOW it is tackled maybe adjusted.

You say he doesnt like you standing up to him? Does he make you feel scared or are you worried about what he will do. If this is the case you ahoukd call woman aid or similar for advise.

Eliza9917 · 28/12/2017 12:37

If he was nice in the beginning but isn't now then he's probably not on the spectrum, he's probably just an arsehole.

Original poster
timeforachangeithink · 28/12/2017 15:43

I am not physically afraid of him but he is not nice when riled and I hate it. I hate confrontation and tend to do everything I can to avoid it. I have let him get away with it so I feel it's partly my fault.

OP posts:
ILoveMillhousesDad · 28/12/2017 15:56

It's not your fault that he is an arsehole.

Branleuse · 28/12/2017 16:09

youre right, it cant go on like this, and im pleased your eyes have opened to this before you end up saddled with a mortgage together.

LuxuryWoman2017 · 28/12/2017 16:14

You are in a great position to leave him. Walking on eggshells is no way to live or raise a child.
He has shown his true colours so if you stay and buy a house you will be setting yourself up for years of misery.

HolyMountain · 28/12/2017 16:18

You work so are independent of him financially.
You Have money in the bank.
You're not married to him.

Leave him if he's making you miserable and the relationship isn't working anymore.

TheRottweiler · 28/12/2017 16:35

What is this spectrum that seems to be the blame/cause of nearly everything on MN? I have only ever heard of it on here.......

Serious question.

confusedhelpme · 28/12/2017 16:55

@TheRottweiler me too 🤔

Rudgie47 · 28/12/2017 17:02

Wait till he goes to work and book yourself a day off and move your things out that day. No need for drama,can you go to your parents or a friends? would do that then sort out a house to buy/rent.
Just send him a text or leave a brief note on the bed. No need to be having long discussions with him. He deserves no consideration at all.

RainOnATinRoof · 28/12/2017 17:11

I have been walking on eggshells constantly for the past year

It's utterly miserable to live like this. It will wear you down eventually, until you are a shadow of your former self.

I think once the "eggshells" feeling has become in entrenched in a relationship, it's probably beyond salvaging. It doesn't happen accidentally.

I would start making plans to leave.

Original poster
timeforachangeithink · 28/12/2017 22:19

Just a reply to the rolling eyes comments about the autism spectrum being the cause of all problems on mumsnet. DS is not format diagnosed yet but his meltdowns, pica, lack of ability to communicate, biting, nipping and hitting along with his sleep is terrible and this adds pressure and stress at home hence it was mentioned. I feel both DP and I are likely on the spectrum too as we both have lots of traits, albeit very different ones. I feel this may be adding to the problem as he is very forthright and shows no empathy whereas take everything to heart and am prone to anxiety and depression. Yes I understand thay even if he is autistic this does not give him free reign to be a bellend but it may change people's advice.

OP posts:
Sancerresanwine · 29/12/2017 12:10

There is some good advice about women living with a partner on the spectrum - have a Google and there is quite a lot of good ideas and support.

However - I wholeheartedly agree with the poster who said that at some point the personality kicks in. And if it's an unkind one, the mix is very difficult to live with.

ReanimatedSGB · 29/12/2017 12:18

Get rid. He makes your lives worse, not better. He is incapable of considering anyone else's needs or wishes if they conflict with his own.

Clandestino · 29/12/2017 12:53

I have many traits (and when I did an online test once I even had a very positive result) for Aspergers.
I would never use it, even if officially diagnosed to excuse my rude behaviour. As long as you know what's acceptable in society, work on how you behave and be ready to apologise. I'm obviously using "you" as a general form so not the OP in particular.
I'm not even talking about the fact that you shouldn't be going around "suspecting" you are on the spectrum if you don't have a proper diagnosis. Your DP may not be "on the spectrum", just really a very rude bastard.

misscarlar · 30/12/2017 07:27

Did he change after you had a child post natal depression is real for men too maybe he needs to get some therapy, not suggesting you stay and feel the way you are feeling while that happens just offering a different point of view

Arrietty123 · 30/12/2017 07:59

Personally I'd leave, he sounds dreadful. Being on the autistic spectrum doesn't give you free reign to be a dick. You say that you suspect that you may be autistic too but you're not behaving like him so he really can't justify his behaviour by bringing out the 'Spectrum' card. He can go and get himself tested and then learn to deal with the meltdowns. (Speaking as someone who is awaiting a diagnosis) It seems that you and him are using this suspicion of asd as a way of justifying his bad behaviour. I'm not horrible to my oh and I definitely don't lack empathy. You deserve much better Flowers

MrsDilber · 30/12/2017 08:09

Whether he's on the spectrum or not "he was amazing when we first met" - so he knows what being nice to someone is, which means his bad attitude is a choice.

I'd go one step up from Dede ding yourself and lay the law down, I'd have a serious talk with him and tell him what you've told us. You can't go on like this and demand changes.

Good luck, you don't deserve to live this way and you don't have too.

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