Help with Nc Sibling....

[Greyrock45]

nc for this thread to avoid being outed ....

Looking for advice.... Back story is my sister choose to go nc with me a few years ago, she had done it previously but this Had failed and contact was established once more. The threat to go nc was used often and although I was reluctant to proceed with nc and much preferred low contact as children involved, it was not my decision and have respected the wishes of my sister. I haven't really been given a reason why we are nc as my sister refused to discuss it, I suggested counselling and whilst she attended the session, she admitted she didn't want to come not wanting to listen to anything I say. As the sessions were very expensive, would have cost my full wages it seemed pointless to continue and Have Been nc Since. I find time with my sister stressful, we have a background where she was very controlling and has been violent and threatening. So despite her choosing to go nc against my wishes, it has been much less dramatic for me.

Unfortunately family circumstances changed this year , so we have spent time in each others company, at times she was lovely (as she can be)and She hàs contacted me and asked To Phone me at Other times. I Am/was Open To Being very Low Contact So decided to invite her for Christmas Dinner rather than to exclude her As everyone Else In The Family Was Invited And tbh i Didn't want To be Mean. So this Year After Much Tooing And Frooing She decided To Come And Spend Christmas With Us, But She obviously Came Reluctantly and Barely Spoke To Me, Lots Of Rolling Of eyes About certain Things. I Realise That Continuing The Nc Is Best But Right Now I Feel dreadful as All The Anxieties around Her Choosing To Go Nc have Resurfaced and I don't know What To Do, not sure why she chose to come but make little/no effort and what happens next. Are you Nc And Would You Spend Christmas With The Person You Are Nc With And Why?

Sorry OP I had trouble reading your post due to all the words starting with capital letters in the middle of sentences.

Spangles - are you thick or just nasty? The post is quite clear.

I think it was very kind of you to include her.she clearly isn't capable of behaving like a decent human being,I suggest you just let her get on with the ignoring you,and enjoy the silence x

NC with my brother, wouldn’t piss on him if he was on fire.

Wow, someone has a problem but let's comment on her writing skills instead of offering any helpful advice...

You are or we're open to some sort of a relationship unfortunately she is not but seems happy to dangle the chance she might be. Personally I would make the decision for her, relationships should not be this difficult.

Sorry about the we're bloody predictive text.

Spangles Perhaps the problem is actually your reading comprehension skills since words spelt with capitals aren’t actually difficult to read.

Greyrock Sometimes NC is the only way. Relationships don’t always work. She has every right to decide to go NC without speaking to you first. You held an olive branch this Christmas. She came. Things may not change but you’ve made it clear that door is open. That is the best you can do and more than others would have done. Sometimes you just have to let go.

I'm NC with my brother - if he was drowning, I'd throw him an anchor.

Sisterhood I think you’re being very ableist there... I’m dyslexic and it took me much longer than usual to read this post because of the capitals and lack of punctuation!

Greyrock you did a lovely thing but ultimately she has thrown it back in your face. Please make sure you keep NC with her because the worry isn’t doing you any favours and she clearly isn’t worth the effort you’re putting in if she would treat you that way

Thank you for your replies, sorry about the text issue earlier and apologies to those of you who struggled.

I think my sister spent ages not giving me a decision of whether she was coming and changed some of the plans at very short notice is just another element of her controlling behaviour. I am so envious of those that have a close relationship with siblings, I have never had it and feel that i have missed out on something which should be sacred and precious

I'm Nc with my sister. She too claims she doesn't know why - she knows exactly why, she just doesn't want to admit to others.

I'd gone Nc twice before and my mum persuaded me to give her another chance when SHE needed ME (childcare etc) I regretted it both times.

Going Nc is not an easy decision I've never met/come across anyone who's done it lightly/for no reason.

It's her right to go Nc.

Violence is not acceptable. Of course.

But you say SHE is controlling yet you didn't really accept her going Nc as her choice (your comment that Nc in past failed, that you set up counselling which she didn't really seem to want to do).

Did you and other families leave her alone with her decision to go Nc or was she pestered and guilt tripped?

I know I was. And by family members who only had her side of it too which was full of lies and misinformation.

Thank you graphista, I have an idea why she is nc with me but to discuss it means it would have to make sense. I have been highly criticized by other family members who have been influenced against me but tbh some are now admitting they can't understand why she is nc with me, as it makes no sense and she has contradicted herself over events. Once she told me she wanted nc I accepted it, despite this she has phoned/texted and sent postcards sometimes from her but other time s from her kids.. If she contacts me its normally very formal and reserved in tone and i am always polite, but my understanding was nc meant just that!

I grew up in a toxic family where we didn't discuss what went on behind closed doors, but she beat up our parents and myself and as a result I would never tell anyone what went on either as a teenager or as an adult as i do know that she would be on my doorstep and honestly I am afraid of her.

I did invite her for Christmas, but I wasn't sure she would come but she was definitely not pressured as not everyone was coming and she had stayed away last year. It was her choice to come this year though.

Its very sad, I am envious of friends with close siblings I wish she was someone I could rely upon and trust

Sorry OP no offence was meant about struggling to read your post,despite what some other posters have said. I've struggled with dyslexia for years so anything out of the ordinary slows me down.

Hello everyone

At this moment in time my brother and I are currently no contact on his choosing,he does has his reasons and I have tried to discuss it with him but to no avail,
Christmas had been very difficult and I am finding it very frustrating with my parents and older brother and wife as they still have contact and a relationship with him and his daughter.
How do you deal or cope with the other members of the family when it is this situation?
Just looking for some advice please.

Thanks

I am nc with my sister but ok with other members of the family, its very awkward and like the elephant in the room 😩

Has she apologised for her violent behaviour and tried to make amends?
Has she completed counselling and changed her behaviour?
Has she set the record straight about what she has said to you to other people?

If the answer to all of those is no then stay NC.