Friends who won't visit

[NewYear2019]

I've got two (separate) friends who don't visit me/expect me to come to them always. I've started to reduce contact with them, aibu?

Friend 1 lives twenty miles away and I moved from living close to her when she had a new born baby. For three years I have driven to visit her (with ds two years older than hers) and she usually does snacks/light tea if we're there at a mealtime. However anytime I've suggested we meet half way or at my home she says she doesn't like driving anywhere. I understood this when she had a new born don't really accept this anymore.

Friend 2 lives 50 miles away and has an 18 month old. She can't visit as apparently her ds doesn't like the car. She invites me and expects me to attend birthdays, christenings, envelope openings where she lives though.

Btw both have a car and full driving license.

We had friends like this. Got on like a house on fire but they wouldn't come to us. We haven't seen them for years, sadly.

There are many reasons why someone doesn't like driving. It's not for you to "accept" or otherwise that she has a valid reason.

It's up to you to decide whether their friendship is important enough to you to make it worth your driving.

Some people really hate driving. Some may develop anxiety etc when they have small DC and be uncomfortable travelling any distance from home.

Also: is your house uncomfortable/dirty/spotlessly clean and full of Precious Things so they worry about bringing their DC there? Or do you have pets? (I don't like visiting people with pets because I am allergic to animals).

It's not for you to "accept" or otherwise that she has a valid reason.

I guess you’re one of these people too.

It’s piss taking and lazy op. An old friend of mine was the same. She’d say her DH needed the car for work so I’d go to her instead and surprise surprise the car would be sat outside the house. For years I put up with that shit but no more. We chat now and again and I recently helped out in a crisis but I no longer suggest meet ups.

I also gave up on a bf who ruined my hen night by her refusing to drive to collect the hens. Def not bridezilla but we had plans to all get ready at her house, pre night out drinks and snacks etc. Everyone staying over. Her younger dc were at exh and older ds had agreed to stay out also . At the last minute (she claims) she asked ds to collect everyone and stay home to pick her up later (? When taxi was booked for all) Nobody could get ready /stay over as he made it clear he would have been uncomfortable with that so all had to reshuffle plans. Made for an awkward night all round. I had recently moved and had a couple section 8 months earlier and she waited til I could drive to go see her with the baby. We lived ten mins away!! She never visited. We moved further away and I stopped contacting her. She had no issue with driving an hour to a major shopping centre though.

I have two friends whose house houses I avoid visiting. One chain smokes indoors, which means that a visit to her leaves me reeking of smoke and coughing. Her house is dirty with dog-related stains all over the floor and ash everywhere. The dog jumps up at me which I hate.

The other friend is quite a way out and there’s nowhere to park. Her house is damp and mouldy and I tend to leave feeling depressed.

I don’t expect them to come to me, though. I arrange for us to meet somewhere else that’s convenient for us both.

I don’t you YABU to reduce contact. If the setup isn’t working for you and you’ve tried to put your feelings across then life is too short, I think.

I used to have two friends like that. Not anymore.

YANBU
Good friendships are reciprocal not one sided.
Well done OP

It's not for you to "accept" or otherwise that she has a valid reason.
.....
I guess you’re one of these people too.

Which people? People who have friends who don't like driving? Yes, I am. So if I want to see them, we make an arrangement which means they don't have to drive more than they're comfortable with. Or we don't meet up.

Good friendships are reciprocal not one sided. It's difficult to see how a friendship could exist long term if it was always one-sided and in the same direction. Although surely we all cut friends some slack if they're finding life difficult and can't pull their weight in a friendship for a while?

Your comment made me think ... I don't think it's necessary to be totally balanced. I think what's important is that both people feel that what they get out of the friendship is worth what they put in. So you could have a perfectly satisfactory friendship where one person doesn't get a lot out of it but is happy because she doesn't put much effort in; and the other gets a huge amount out of it and is therefor OK about putting a lot more effort in.

I'd guess that what the OP is upset about isn't so much that she's putting in all the effort, it's that she thinks what she is getting back isn't worth the effort she's putting in. And in that situation I'd either put the friendship on back burner for a while, or just let it wither altogether.

I've got a friend who lives half an hour away and always seems to want to 'meet halfway' somewhere.

I find it a bit odd because I would usually meet halfway with someone who lives 2 or three hours away.
I've been to hers but she seems reluctant to come to mine. I've got a nice house so that's not the problem - she just says it's easier to meet halfway.
Anyway, I've decided that if she won't make the effort to ever come to my home then I'll just let the friendship drift. Life's too short etc

If you let a friendship drift because someone prefers to meet halfway rather than travel then it isn't much of a friendship is it?

If it's not working for you , drop it. It might not be working for them either. Nothing wrong with not wanting to visit /drive. We all have our preferences. Friendship is not obligatory.