Hi all, I need to get this down in writing, I think so I can read it fully myself when
I feel so weak. I know what everyone will say and trust me, I’ve said the same to other people “ just go!” “Why are you staying??” , it’s so different when you’re in it.
I have been with my partner for 14 years and have 4 children. He’s done it slowly, when I met him I had a good group of friends bother male and female. He didn’t like it and eventually I lost touch with them, I thought it would be better that way. To save an argument. He’s a drinker and a foul mouthed drunk. He would only get drunk around twice a month for ages so I thought I could put up with it and I did for soo many years. He’s a good dad although looking at it now, they hear him call me awful things and Treat me so poorly. He has this knack you see, of making me think I’m in the wrong, twisting things. Or on the other end he will apologise and cry, then I forgive knowing deep down it will happen again.
It got worse recently, I decided to go to college and do what I’ve always wanted, become a nurse. When he would drink he would ask me if they’re were any males in the class and when I said there were, I would get accused of cheating when he was drunk which was now becoming every night. One night he threw all my college work out of the window and took my shoe off and hit me with it. I was shocked and I just let him go away and sleep. I got into university and finally started my course. He calls me a lazy student who does nothing and contributes nothing. We recently went to a family function were he was inappropriate with my friend and everyone was so angry with me. I thought that was it, but he’s such a different person when sober (still jealous though) so I forgave. I went out with a friend for a drink and I knew what that would mean, two days of hell. He would call me names and not leave me alone ( this is always at night time when the children are asleep) I am aware however that children are not stupid. A few weeks ago he accused me of having someone in the house because the shower head was higher. It was so ludicrous I just shut down. It wouldn’t matter what I’d say anyway, I wouldn’t be believed. There is so much more moments over the years that it would take me forever to write them down. However the thing that happened yesterday made me snap. I want so badly to leave. He was drinking straight whiskey and so I just tried to avoid him. I couldn’t. He would stand there and harass me asking the same questions over and over and over even though I had already answered. But unless I give the specific answer he’s looking for, it’s useless. My brother had come round earlier in the day to see the kids. He started drinking when he left, this is what finally made me snap. He accused me of wanted to sleep with my own brother. I locked myself in the bathroom and stayed there for an hour hoping he would fall asleep. I woke up today exhausted and took the children out for the day, they could see I was upset and I hate that for them. I can see they are not happy either and my heart aches at what a terrible mother I have been.
I need to get out but I’m a student with four children. I have no one who can help me. I feel so trapped. Sorry for the rant, I just needed to get it out. The awful thing is that this is only the tip of iceberg. I dream of a day when I’m in my own home with my children. Just us. Happy.