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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

WIBU? NC with DM

23 replies

ZebraPants · 27/12/2017 19:01

Have name changed for this.

I'm trying to work through some feelings about recently having gone NC with my DM, one incident from childhood in particular I have difficulty coming to terms with so was hoping for some thoughts on whether this was unreasonable on her part - I realise this isn't a massive issue but would just like to come to terms with my own feelings around it.

When I was around 9 or 10 all my friends were going on bike rides, I didn't have a bike at the time but my sister did (only 1 year age difference so had same friendship group) so I was left out while she got to go. My DM offered to buy me a bike, let me choose one and ordered it from a catalogue. Next day I got told they were giving the bike to my sister and I was to have her old one, I was really upset by this - had been excited about getting the bike I'd chosen, but was told off for being upset because I still had a bike (the old one) and apparently was ungrateful because a lot of children would have been happy with that. I hadn't done anything to not 'deserve' the bike, IIRC it was purely because the bike was bigger and my sister was the elder.

Would like to know others opinions of this - was it unreasonable of my DM? Or was I more upset because obviously I preferred the bike I'd chosen and would have been happier with new over old?

OP posts:

Tapandgo · 27/12/2017 19:09

You can’t be serious - surely.
Insensitive parenting but a practical decision. Can’t believe this alone has led to NC!

toolonglurking · 27/12/2017 19:54

Agree with Tapandgo - there must be a hell of a lot more to it than that?

Tistheseason17 · 27/12/2017 19:59

Yeah, gotta be more to this. I'm NC and it's not because my elder sister got the best clothes and got them first.

Crumbs1 · 27/12/2017 20:04

Time to let it go....I was youngest and rarely/never had new things. I’ve somehow survived relatively unscathed.
It was a practical decision and you’re holding a grudge like a spoiled 12 year old.

ValentinaCat · 27/12/2017 20:07

I wouldn't let it go. She teased you purposefully. Who lets their child pick out their own bike, get all excited, just to give the bike that THEY chose to their older sibling? That's fucking cruel.

Witchend · 27/12/2017 20:09

I understand as a second child that being upsetting.
But practically, that is what happened in almost all families when I was growing up. From the struggling to survive through to the managing director's kids living in the local manor house.
The oldest got big new things like bikes which passed down to the siblings.

I suspect your DM was trying to make it a little fairer by letting you choose the bike which you would eventually get rather than always getting your dsis to choose as she was getting it new. And that, from what I saw was very thoughtful as I can't think of any other parents I know of who did that.

ValentinaCat · 27/12/2017 20:09

This isn't about being the younger sibling and never getting the newest or best stuff. It's about being teased with the prospect of a brand new bike FOR YOU and then seeing it given to your sister.

If they wanted to do it that way, her parents should have let the older sister choose a new bike and explained to OP that she could have her old one, but they didn't, did they? No, they made OP think she was getting her own bike, let her choose the one she wanted, and then backtracked.

I fail to see how that's not intentionally nasty.

GaspingGekko · 27/12/2017 20:16

Exactly what ValentinaCat says.

I was the younger sibling, we are not the same sex and there's a big(ish) age gap. And I got a lot of hand me downs. But that's not what the OP is talking about. Letting you pick out the bike you wanted and allowing you to think it would be yours was cruel. But to then tell you off for being upset is awful.
Hope you manage to work through all the emotions OP

FittonTower · 27/12/2017 20:23

You've cut your mother out of your life because of a childhood push bike? I assume there's a lot more to it than just that? If you ended up with 2 bikes then giving the bigger one to the bigger child sort of makes sense - Although I do see how that would have made you feel, was she taunting you with it or just making a very thoughtless "practical" decision?
There's got to be tonnes of back story here, on what you've written it seems like a bit of an over reaction

Greenshoots1 · 27/12/2017 20:27

presumably you got the bike when your sister grew out of it, or that would have been the intention, anyway. purely a practical decision, It is a shame you chose it and were disappointed, but YABVU

Tistheseason17 · 27/12/2017 20:28

Seriously? It's not great but it's not the reason for NC.
My DM made me sit the 11+ exam for a private school scholarship. I looked around the school and had 121 subject tests as well. I loved the place - just like I'd imagined Mallory Towers. I won the only 100% scholarship and then my DM turned it down. She just wanted to show her DF that her DD was clever enough to get a free space and not pay fees like DF did for her daughter.
This was not the reason for NC with my DM, either! She got way worse! But hopefully this puts the NC suggestion because of a bike many years ago into perspective.

dancinfeet · 27/12/2017 20:36

I get where you are coming from OP, it's not about the older sibling getting the new item, it's because it was offered to you then taken away. When my older sister got married I was 11, and I was really looking forward to the wedding etc (I was a bridesmaid). My mum bought me a new outfit to wear to the evening do and my first pair of (small) heels, I couldn't wait to wear it and was really excited and looking forward to it. We returned home briefly between the reception and the evening party, and I rushed to my bedroom to get ready but about five mins before they were due to leave my mum announced that I had to stay home with the elderly relatives to 'help' them babysit various young relatives who had all been dispatched to my mum's house so their parents could attend the evening party. They muttered some excuse that no under 18s were allowed at the venue and left (why she bought me that outfit I never knew). I was heartbroken both that evening, and afterwards when the photos came out with the groom's 16 year old sister in them (hmm no under 18s?), and even more so when my new outfit and shoes disappeared (I presume mum took them back to the shop). Still to this day I have no idea why the change of heart at the last minute, I had tried really hard to be on my best behaviour all day during the daytime events. It's pretty crap to do that to a child - and especially without explaining to them the reasoning behind it.

Original poster

ZebraPants · 27/12/2017 21:51

Thank you for the replies. Yes this was not the reason for going NC, sorry if i didn't make that clear in my post. NC was for a lot of emotional manipulation/ blackmail and control into early adulthood, I'm just trying to make sense of feelings around a lot of issues.

If it had been explained to me as getting a new bike and I'd have the old one that would be fair enough but to have chosen and been let to think I would be getting a new bike only for it then to be taken away I thought was a bit unreasonable but maybe it was just more of a practical decision poorly executed. Thanks for all the thoughts.

OP posts:

Neverender · 27/12/2017 21:54

My bike got given away to the school caretaker's daughter and I was happy because she'd never had a bike and I didn't use mine...just saying...

ValentinaCat · 27/12/2017 21:56

Zebra

@dancinfeet
Have you ever asked your mother why? Seems so heartless.

Tistheseason17 · 27/12/2017 21:57

There's always more OP
Take care

dancinfeet · 27/12/2017 22:39

Valentina, my mum died 17 years ago so never asked her. I got the feeling at the time that either my sister decided that she didn't want me there and told mum to leave me at home, or else the plan was that I was never included in the evening party and the outfit was bought with the plan to return it afterwards all along. I was always expected to be grateful (no matter what) for everything as a child and the general expectation was that as I had already been a bridesmaid during the day I had no right to protest about being left out of the evening do.

Original poster

ZebraPants · 27/12/2017 22:44

@neverender but that doesn't even compare? It wasn't something I didn't use, it wasn't even something I asked for, it was something that was offered to me then taken away before I'd even got it. There was a thread on here earlier about a parent taking away a car for a Christmas present from their adult son with a lot of replies saying how cruel it was, I don't really how my experience was much different, all the emotional manipulation has made it difficult for me to understand if I'm unreasonable or not so I wanted to try and make things clearer in my own mind.

OP posts:

Littlelambpeep · 27/12/2017 22:52

I have recently gone nc mine op. Several reasons. Not on thing. So I understand. It isn't over the bike, I'm sure.

Mine mocked me a lot. When I had a party (used to be very shy/lacked confidence ) she held a party and I asked a few friends from school. After the party she screamed at me that I made a fool of her as she told everyone I had no friends.

Another time I was studying in the library and when I got home she went mad saying I was an alcoholic. I cried that much my dad took me out for a drive and told me to apply for uni far away. I got away but eventually came nearer home. She has spoilt a lot of special occassions for me. Needed a&e during my hen. My dad spent more time on the wedding speech talking about her friends birthday. Graduation - she took back spasm.

I could go on... But I do understand.

Littlelambpeep · 27/12/2017 22:53

Birthday

Lostmyemailaddress · 27/12/2017 23:06

I get it op it was 1 of a long list and right now your going through things 1 by 1 trying to see if your justified in feeling the way you did and still do.
I did the same when I went nc with my dm and there were instances like yours expect I was the eldest and it would be the younger ones who would end up getting the things or I would be given things to be told it's too big we'll exchange it for the right size only to never see it again.
Getting a child to choose something and giving them the expectation of it will be there's only to be then told no it's not yours so and so is getting it is cruel to a child.

sheepskinrug · 28/12/2017 01:15

I totally understand, OP Sometimes things like this are just representative of the way you were treated by that person. What a mean thing to do.
I wonder how PPs would feel if they were offered a promotion by their boss, allowed to pick out their new office and furniture, celebrate, etc, then were told the next day that they'd changed their minds and were giving it to someone else because it's more "practical".

Regarding going NC, often it's like the couples who break up after an argument about the weather. There is so much more to it but that was the straw that broke the camel's back.

Whyarealltheusernamestaken · 28/12/2017 01:22

Zebra, maybe it would make it easier to advise if we knew more about what issues you suffer now? It sounds like you have past hurt and resentment problems, was there other neglect or medical issues?

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