from husband re disciplining teenage children

[partlyawake]

He never bloody gets involved, feel like it's all on me everytime! He half says something when he's trying to stay on side of me but only after I've picked them up on behaviour. He just huffs and puffs in the background. Never puts in any consequences and offers little support to my fulfilling them. Eventually I get angry with him too and I end up having to walk away. I then end up alone upstairs listening to them carrying on like all is fine. The fall out can last days. I'm completely fed up. We've had a rough year and I've wanted out more than once. He doesn't feel like a partner iyswim. I've tried so hard, tried talking to him numerous times about this. How would you bring this up with him? The way I put it just isn't getting through.

I think you just have to be honest, explain you're tired you need support. You can't always be the bad cop. Speak calmly and clearly. Have a strategy so he can follow and when he does discipline the children you keep quiet and don't take over. Mutual respect will go a long way. Good luck, tough times soon past xx

Mines the opposite, he wades in after me which then escalates things in to an argument much worse than it would have been, I wish he’d butt out!! They can’t win!

Mine is like this, although mine are little, im fed up of being bad cop, while he plays 'good old fucking dad' well we can both play that game.
I've been telling them they can't play with balloons in the house, for ages, as they are too rough and things get broken.
Low and behold when I was out they had a jolly good game of ballon football with dad of the year, clearly he had no intention of telling them off and was waiting for me to do something to stop it.
So instead I said it was ok as long as they didn't play near me as they know it irritates me, so maybe go play by the table where he drinks and dads laptop is!
He had to act then.

Also he does this thing when he doesn't want to say no, which is ask Mum, so again he gets to be good cop.

It’s a problem when the parents feel differently about the behaviour. The example of the ballon, I would not back my partner if he decided no ballon games in the house. DP is the more stricter of the two of us, and he does create himself more angst than needed. He draws line in the sand too easily that are often crossed and leaves himself no where to go. I back him up when it’s serious but not when I do not see the problem. We now try to discuss and compromise what behaviour needs to be addressed and the best way to do it.

With the ballon games, it's started as a ball, they we're allowed to play catch, things got broken, quite a few things, so a compromise of a ballon was used, more things got broken, our house if very small so not much room for leaping about. My compromise is they can play with the ballon in their room as it's their stuff that get broken. Dh doesn't like that, so now I think let his stuff get broke and he can deal with it.

I absolutely hate balloons getting pelted around the house

Thanks for the replies. Everyone went to bed early last night. Hoping today will be better. I'm going to try and talk with him today and write a few things down too, thinking he can reflect on what I'm trying to say in his own time.

DH is same as yummum listens to me get a bit annoyed about something relatively minor, then adds to it and goes to town. He doesn't seem to pull them on things much off his own back but when I tell them off for say, leaving the dishwasher half emptied so they can play a computer game, he will appear and it'll all escalate.

Sometimes I think he just thinks he's being supportive but he's actually just being a dick!
I on the other hand rarely join in when he tells them off but will support him if the kids break a 'known rule' like football in the house (footballs are outside ONLY thanks to a smashed TV a few years ago) or staying out an hour too late etc

Can I add for Balloon-Gate we insist those kinds of games are played in the hallway. Not tons of room but nothing breakable.

I agree with boulshired, the issue might be that he doesn't agree with your disciplining of the children. Maybe he thinks you are too strict, treating them like kids still, or not picking your battles (which you really need to do with teenagers).

What you need is to talk so that you can decide how to tackle it. It's not good when parents have very different approaches as teenagers will pick up on it and use it to their advantage, but then again, many kids have grown up fine with very strict fathers and cuddly forgiving mums.

Realistically there will always be one partner who is the disciplinarian and in this family it's you OP. As long as he isn't undermining you I would accept the status quo and assume that huffing and puffing in the background is non-verbal support.

You have talked about it numerous times and nothing has changed? Perhaps that means he disagrees with you about this being a problem? Perhaps he is happy with the way things are. If he is a good dad and partner in other ways I would let this one go.