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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Another PIL one

31 replies

smu06set · 27/12/2017 18:24

Back story - I'm pregnant, 18 weeks. I've had horrendous anxiety this pregnancy, really terrified that there is something wrong. Never had this with DD, so can't shake the thought it's some sort of premonition. As a result our immediate family know, but we asked them up front not to tell anyone else until we had the 20 week scan. They are well aware of my anxiety and understand it too (MIL went through a late loss).
Christmas eve we go to PIL and DH wants to go to the pub with his dad. Fine, I offer to drop them down there as it's raining. We collect FILs friend on the way. This friend gets in the car and the first thing he says is "Congratulations you two!". FIL is silent and the friend follows up with "it wasn't a secret was it?". Cue awkward silence then thankfully we are at the pub and they all get out.
I then have to spend the next 3 hours with MIL before collecting them from the pub, then I can escape. Those 3 hours killed me. I was in tears once FIL and DH left the car, pulled myself together (ish) for MIL and fell apart once I got home.
It transpired FIL got drunk and told 4 of his friends. One of which has only ever been horrible to me.
Not once has FIL apologised or even mentioned it. Only once we got home and I had a good cry on DH, and DH messaged his dad did he even acknowledge it. I've had no contact from them since, no apology, nothing.
I know most people will say I'm being silly not wanting people to know, but I'm genuinely that worried about there being a problem at the 20 week scan.
It's not so much that FIL slipped up and mentioned it, I get people are human and make mistakes. It's that he tried to hide it. And when the secret was out, he didn't apologise. It's like he won't admit he was wrong.
AIBU to cut contact? At least until after my scan? The whole thing has ruined Christmas for us now and I can't face them...

OP posts:

GreatDuckCookery6211 · 27/12/2017 18:55

Sorry I'm a bit confused here, have you suffered a late loss?

MsGameandWatching · 27/12/2017 18:58

Unless there's more behind this then I think you're being rather unreasonable.

JediStoleMyBike · 27/12/2017 18:59

It sounds like you anxiety is through the roof and that is making what is a thoughtless act into something much bigger to you. Is there a reason that you are so worried?
I think realistically if you didn't want it to slip out you shouldn't have told anyone at all but it's done now. I hope the scan goes well and that you manage to calm down for yourself a bit. Being this over anxious about nothing can't be good for you.

Maelstrop · 27/12/2017 18:59

I think you’re overreacting. Your fil is probably bemused as to why this is such a big deal and you want to go nc? Why?

GreatDuckCookery6211 · 27/12/2017 19:00

Ok I've read your post again and in all honesty I think you are totally overreacting in even thinking about cutting contact.

Please get some help for your anxiety.

KitKat1985 · 27/12/2017 19:01

I can understand why you are upset, and he shouldn't really have said anything until you were ready, but I suspect he got excited and carried away after a few drinks.

Is keeping it a secret until 20 weeks even realistic? At 18 weeks you must have a bit of bump now surely?

TabbyMumz · 27/12/2017 19:04

Im sorry but I don't understand why your fil was wrong and needs to apologise. He is clearly happy and excited to be a grandfather soon. I get you are anxious, but this doesn't actually mean something is definitely going to happen to this baby? Chances are everything will be fine?!

53rdWay · 27/12/2017 19:04

FIL shouldn’t have told them, but the bigger picture here is that you’re clearly really struggling with anxiety. I think you need to speak to your GP or your midwife about this do you can get some help to get it under control. It must be horrible for you to live with this.

ferriswheel · 27/12/2017 19:07

I totally understand. There are loads of reasons why I totally understand. But you can't change that it has happened and for the sake of your baby you have to move on.

Best wishes for you and your baby. :)

Amanduh · 27/12/2017 19:08

FIL got excited and carried away aftwr a few drinks and told people. Then after he realised he shouldnt have and tried to hide it so you didn't get upset.
You were in tears and have fallen apart? And want to cut contact? Because your FIL told his mates you're pregnant?
Yabvvu. This is not a normal reaction.
I hope you feel better and all goes ok with the pregnancy

GreatDuckCookery6211 · 27/12/2017 19:09

FIL shouldn't have said anything but he did.
Cutting contact is ridiculous. Mind blowingly so.

TheDayIBroke · 27/12/2017 19:14

OP I'm with you . It's the fact that OP's concerns/fears are brushed off and the lack of respect for her wishes by the FIL. The absence of any apology would be very upsetting, too. If someone is asked not to tell, then they should not tell. I would be seething, quite frankly.

Yes, I would consider NC with the PIL until after your 20 week scan. However, learning to trust them again will be much harder.

I hope all is well at your scan, and you have good news.

RadioGaGoo · 27/12/2017 19:17

In the future, don't tell your PIL anything, as they obviously can't be trusted with your news.

I don't have anxiety OP, but I can have empathy (unlike some obviously) for how you feel.

Nubbled · 27/12/2017 19:19

Your FIL can't keep his mouth shut. Don't tell him anything important in the future.

Not sure why you told anyone in the first place.

TimesNewRoman · 27/12/2017 19:28

Aside from anything else, you asked them not to tell anyone and they did.
YANBU to cut contact til you are ready. And watch what you tell them in future.
Wishing you a happy healthy pregnancy.

Candyfloss1122 · 27/12/2017 19:33

I'm sorry you are going through a horrible time op, anxiety is an awful thing to deal with.

Yanbu to be very annoyed, its a simple request about a private matter, and should be respected without question.

I think the term "no contact" is often associated with much more extreme circumstances, so if I have understood the situation correctly, I would say that giving them a wide birth for the next 2 weeks until your scan is entirely reasonable.

Amatree · 27/12/2017 19:35

You are not unreasonable at all to be upset with him but I agree with PPs that your reaction seems extreme. Just don't tell them anything in future until you're happy for it to be public knowledge and if they get upset you can cite this incident as the reason why, with perfect justification. Best of luck with the rest of your pregnancy-I hope it goes smoothly and your fears are unfounded.

NotAgainYoda · 27/12/2017 19:40

It's crap he won't apologise. Puts me right off people

Tistheseason17 · 27/12/2017 19:45

Sorry you're experiencing anxiety. Fed have a word with your midwife or GP. They can help.
YANBU to expect PIL to keep a secret. I'd probably wait til 20wk scan too just for peace of mind. You don't need the stress

ThroughThickAndThin01 · 27/12/2017 19:52

AIBU to cut contact . Of course you would. Over reaction much.

BruelTr · 27/12/2017 20:51

He probably just let it out because he was excited and doesn't understand why you think you might lose it when the doctors haven't raised any concerns.

There's no need to go nc, just don't update them on information you're not yet prepared to share with the world.

You should also go to your gp about your anxiety. It sounds quite extreme.

isadoradancing123 · 27/12/2017 21:44

Oh for Gods sake get a grip, what's the big deal,

Frillyhorseyknickers · 27/12/2017 21:50

Please do not put your DH between you two in this huge over reaction. I appreciate that early pregnancy is a very nerve wracking time but you are behaving like a lunatic.

MiddleClassProblem · 27/12/2017 21:53

Yabu, but it’s your anxiety and hormones. Cutting contact? So FIL won’t see this baby? Because he told people early?

My PIL told all their friends (basically their whole village) before I was 12 weeks. I was livid and bumping into people when we were staying with them and hearing “congratulations” when I hadn’t even seen that there really was a baby inside me. But at the end of the day it’s done and there are far bigger things to worry about. If I had lost DD I would probably have avoided the village for a long while though.

Deep breath, congratulations! Hopefully the next two weeks will be gone in no time and you’ll move on.

(Btw I’m not sure if no contact with PIL counts with 4 days only gone by)

MiddleClassProblem · 27/12/2017 21:54

Also we said if we ever got pregnant again they wouldn’t be told early. They would have to wait until after the 12 week scan.

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