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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Aibu to expect brother to consider me at xmas

20 replies

neverdull · 27/12/2017 13:58

So will keep this as simple as can!
Separated from husband 1st xmas with kids alone! He had them xmas day as I thought that would be nice brother asks if they will see me over xmas I said I'm working till 5 Boxing Day we can come over after? His reply was oh we are at in laws for the two days! I wouldn't mind but parents are dead no other family ! On my own xmas day aibu to feel upset that he didn't consider me or my children to spend time with ?was asked last minute to join his extended family on Boxing Day but my son didn't want to go there nor did my daughter and as it's hard enough for them didn't want to make them go somewhere they didn't want to go!

OP posts:

Namechangetempissue · 27/12/2017 14:02

I think YAB a bit U.
You have been invited to Boxing Day but don't want to go. What do you expect him to do?

FitBitFanClub · 27/12/2017 14:04

But he did consider you. and your children? He invited you all for Boxing Day (albeit last-minute) but you said your children didn't want to go, so you didn't.
How old are your children? I would have insisted/encouraged/bribed them to go, personally. It's your Christmas too, and they'd presumably had a nice time at their dad's whilst you sat home alone. It was your turn to be a little bit selfish, to be honest, and for them to suck it up.

Cantuccit · 27/12/2017 14:05

That is a bit shit, but it depends on how close you are. Do you usually spend Xmas together?

When did you know kids would be at ex's? Did you tell DB as soon as you knew?

I think it's best to plan these things earlier, because DB will be making plans with his wife and ILs.

MeadowHay · 27/12/2017 14:06

YABU. He invited you and you said no. If you really wanted to arrange plans with him first you easily could have arranged them in advance - I know he could have as well, but I'm not sure why the onus would land solely on him to make the effort, especially when understandably he has a larger amount of family he has to see over those days than you do, so if anything you should surely have anticipated that he has to manage his time amongst a larger group of people and thus if you really wanted to arrange something with him you should have ensured you did this well in advance.

Also I don't know how old your kids are but if they are like 13 or under if that was my parents they would have just took me anyway, they probably would have a good time there surrounded by people even if they're initially reticent.

Cantuccit · 27/12/2017 14:07

If you previously spent every Christmas with ex and kids, then it wouldn't necessarily have occurred to DB that you are alone without kids this year.

MuttsNutts · 27/12/2017 14:15

YABU

He has his own family to consider and he did try to include you, you chose to decline.

chickenowner · 27/12/2017 14:30

I think that your brother did consider you - he invited you to go over on Boxing Day.

It's not his fault that you can't!

Original poster

neverdull · 27/12/2017 14:49

Absolutely I agree I was invited very last minute and that's not the problem, we always spend either xmas or Boxing Day together it's always split between family's , they new way in advance dc would be with dad and we have always been so close I don't have the hump about actually not going to Boxing Day as u rightly said that was my decision not to go for many other reasons not just my kids it's the thought before hand that we were totally dismissed this year knowing that it would be a difficult year! Luckily my kids are not babies 8,10. & 14
I thinks it's cos I would never do that to him if he was in that situation it made me feel very lonely and like no one cared

OP posts:

Original poster

neverdull · 27/12/2017 14:51

Sorry just to add if it had of been at his house I would of gone! It was more the fact he had decided to spend the two full days at inlaws and invited me to their house 2 days before

OP posts:

PurpleDaisies · 27/12/2017 14:54

Family logistics at Christmas are always tricky. He did offer you the opportunity to spend time together. I think you’re being unfairly harsh here.

FitBitFanClub · 27/12/2017 14:57

Well then, to be fair, it wasn't his place to invite you until he'd made sure his in-laws were OK with it.

I'm not actually sure what you're upset about now. Christmas Day or Boxing Day? Or were you hoping your brother would decline his il's invitation and stay home and ask you there?

MrsHoneyMummy · 27/12/2017 15:02

Warning: about to make sweeping sexist generalisation, but it's my experience.
Your brother is a man. Many men are unused to being considerate and thinking things through.
Remember, you are an adult, it's up to you and no one else to ensure you get the outcome you want. The minute you decided your DC were spending Christmas Day with their Dad it was up to you to sort out your own plans if you did not wish to spend the day alone. Whether this meant asking your brother whether you could spend the day with him - a good solution if you're DC don't like to go there, volunteering at a homeless charity or similar or booking a meal out.... the choice was yours.
It's rather U to expect your brother to realise he needs to invite you.
Next time, take the initiative - it's the best way to get what you want.

Namechangetempissue · 27/12/2017 15:08

I agree with those asking why you didn't take the initiative and ask in advance if your brother would like to join you for Christmas? Why was it on him to arrange? Maybe he thought you had prior arrangements or work as he hadn't heard differently (from your post it sounds like he did actually ask you when he was going to see you and not the other way around).
Make plans now to meet up and have a late Christmas celebration. Its not too late.

Original poster

neverdull · 27/12/2017 15:15

Let em clear this up not upset about actua xmas day or Boxing Day Yes I decided to spend Christmas on my own not a problem I did it with the children in mind it really didn't or doesn't bother me , the problem was when he asked me if he would be seeing me over xmas I said of course he said he was having Christmas dinner at inlaws that's why I said about Boxing Day he then said he was staying there that day as well so I kind of thought why are you asking me if your busy anyway!
We always every year either spend Christmas or Boxing Day together specially as we are all we have family wise!
that's why I was a bit taken aback I don't mind that I didn't see him It just hurt a little he would ask knowing he was not able to see me, but also knowing that maybe this year would actually be a little tough on his sister, don't even care about the late invite it was the pre Christmas chat that upset me and anyone who is facing there first Christmas split up from an ex that you have been with for over 14 years would understand that it's not easy I don't hate on him to be with inlaws but they do only live 5 mins up road and see them all the time so it's not like they never see them!

OP posts:

MeadowHay · 27/12/2017 16:54

OP, I get this is a difficult time for you, and that is clearly affecting your ability to see this situation objectively.

I will never understand why people make threads in AIBU when they have already decided they were not being unreasonable and will argue with anyone who says otherwise? You asked us if YWBU, and everyone's said yes, you were. If you're not interested in knowing our opinion then why make a thread? If you're just upset and need to talk about feeling lonely/the difficult Xmas you're having (understandably so), then AIBU is clearly not the most suitable place for that and you're better off starting a thread in Relationships or Chat or somewhere else.

Original poster

neverdull · 27/12/2017 18:45

No totally taking everyone's opinions otherwise wouldn't of asked ! just seemed that some people were confused at what I was upset with so wanted to try and clarify it a bit more!

OP posts:

ShakeShakeTheMuffin · 27/12/2017 19:02

Sorry you're feeling like this. As others have said I think you need to take the initiative next time and invite yourself.
However I'm not sure I understood your posts completely as I can't follow sentences that long!

PaxUniversalis · 27/12/2017 19:05

@neverdull

Perhaps when your brother asked if he would be seeing you over Christmas he meant 'around Christmas' or 'during the festive period', i.e. not on 25th or 26th, but maybe before or after? Yes, he could have been clearer fro the start but perhaps you and he could have made arrangements a bit earlier in the year and talked it through?
Could you not have talked to your SIL?

Original poster

neverdull · 27/12/2017 22:03

@PaxUniversalis
That's a good point! I just assumed those days as that's what we have always done, my sil was in the room I felt a bit hurt so didn't say any more

OP posts:

fibrecruncher · 28/12/2017 01:38

Hi op,
No I don't think yabu at all. If you spend either Christmas or boxing day with you db every year then yes it's sounds like he's been inconsiderate not to check what you had going on especially considering your split from your husband. It could be that he's getting pressure from extended family to be in a certain place at a certain time. But no, I would never leave my db on his own at Christmas. I think it might be a good idea to just let him know you'd find it helpful to have a bit more support.

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