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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

AIBU to think he's still trying to control me?

19 replies

noexperiencenecessary · 27/12/2017 12:42

I need advice please. Feeling so confused right now. STBXH and I separated in February. We have 3 DS who stay with me a bit more than with him but fairly equal. We moved out in May. When we were together I was emotionally and financially abused. I begged him to stay with me many times but finally left when I found out he was texting other women. We share care pretty well and manage to talk to each other about the children. A week or so ago I told him I had met someone and since then he started by bringing small gifts, being extra helpful and then texting me to say he still loves me. He said he feels utterly depressed and I believe him and have supported him to get help but now I feel like I can't cope with all the calls and texts. Today I made it clear again that I want to move on and he just seems to be clinging to me. He has apologised for things he did during our relationship and I want to believe he's not trying to get me back but I feel like he might be trying to manipulate and control me again. I'm not sure what to do or say next. Pls help.

OP posts:

ReanimatedSGB · 27/12/2017 12:46

Once an abuser, always an abuser. He's trying to make you agree to dump the other man, at which point he will go back to treating you with indifference and contempt.

Original poster

noexperiencenecessary · 27/12/2017 12:53

That is exactly how he treated me.

OP posts:

Cantuccit · 27/12/2017 12:56

It's funny that his depression has started just as you've told you've met himself.

OP, please don't get sucked in again. If he loved you, he wouldn't have been texting those other women.

Now that you are seeing someone else, you've suddenly become unattainable so he wants you more. If he gets you back, he will go back to his old ways.

You need to disengage. Only talk about the kids. Don't try and be his friend. Keep contact to texts and emails. Don't let him in your house.

Cantuccit · 27/12/2017 12:56

*just as you've told him you've met someone else

Knittedfairies · 27/12/2017 12:58

He doesn’t want you but he doesn’t want anyone else to be attracted to you either! Don't put up with this nonsense.

IrkThePurist · 27/12/2017 13:06

He's moved back into the 'honeymoon phase' of control. It wont last, he may turn nasty once he realises you really mean it about not going back, so be prepared.
Dont initiate contact if you can avoid it, only contact him about the kids, and only reply to messages about him seeing the kids.
If he persists, tell him that you arent interested, you've moved on, and to keep it about contact with the kids.
If he does get nasty, keep the messages in case you need to use the police later on.

Original poster

noexperiencenecessary · 27/12/2017 13:08

I will never go back to him. It took me so long to find the strength to escape in the first place. I was 21 when I met him, I'm 35 now. I have started a new life and I felt like it was going well. I am struggling to cope feeling like I can't get away from this. He knows I'll feel sorry for him as I am also depressed and anxious largely down to our relationship. I don't want to hurt him but I am absolutely desperate to escape his control.

OP posts:

Original poster

noexperiencenecessary · 27/12/2017 13:14

I need to be stronger but I don't know how to do it. I feel awful. It feels like kicking someone when they're down. I thought I'd made my feelings quite clear but he's not stopped. I know he'll get angry later and I don't want that because I want to maintain some contact for the children's sake. I guess he knows that too.

OP posts:

KarmaStar · 27/12/2017 13:22

Hello OP
You are far stronger than you give yourself credit for.you have managed,successfully,to raise three children,leave an abusive and controlling man and build a new life.
You definitely ARE strong enough to resist him.
Tell him that contact is only to e made if it's about the children,that you don't want gifts thank you.
He,his gp and a mental health team can address his depression,you are not responsible for him.
Have clear cut guidelines and stick to them.
Continue with your own life.ignore pleading calls,he is playing you to get your attention on him.
Stay strong

Anniegetyourgun · 27/12/2017 13:24

Not wanting to hurt him is right and good. You should never hurt someone else on purpose. If, however, he is hurt as a consequence of no longer being able to treat you like dirt, that's just tough! You have the absolute right to move on and date again, even to marry again and have children by someone else if that's where the future leads. You're not doing it in order to be nasty to your ex. You're doing it because it's a perfectly normal thing to do.

Just think of it this way. You're depressed and anxious because your STBX treated you unkindly. He's (claiming to be) depressed and anxious because you are no longer allowing him to treat you unkindly. Who has the greater moral right to have their feelings considered in this scenario? What would you say to a friend who was in your situation?

user1495222250 · 27/12/2017 13:27

Of course he is trying to bring you back under his control, as he thinks he is losing his influence now you're interested in somebody else.

I'd try to make it clear to him that your only contact now should be about your kids. Don't engage with any other conversations he tries to start. I hear what you say about not wanting to hurt him, but how many times has he not cared about hurting you over the duration of your relationship? He has to know it's finished and it's because of him.

I'm glad you're forging a new life for yourself, but please please defend it against his negative and abusive influence.

Wishing you all the very best for the future, OP.

RunRabbitRunRabbit · 27/12/2017 13:29

Why do you think maintaining this kind of contact helps your children?

Allthetuppences · 27/12/2017 13:30

He's trying to reel you in so you can't be emotionally free of him.
Make sure you mention his behaviour to people in RL. And stay strong. He knows you're living a better life.

jannier · 27/12/2017 13:32

He's trying to maintain his control. Don't let him answer messages only about the children and don't get sucked in. Its another abuse ...laying the guilt trip on you.

LazyDailyMailJournos · 27/12/2017 13:35

Don't respond to texts unless they are about the children.

Return the gifts and tell him that you don't want him to buy you anything.

Keep very firm boundaries in place - and be consistent.

Finally, stop sharing so much information with him. Why did you tell him you'd met someone else? It's none of his business. If you keep offering little morsels of information then he will think that he has the right to be more involved in your life - when actually you are co-parenting together and that's it.

Original poster

noexperiencenecessary · 27/12/2017 13:49

I guess I thought that by being honest about the new relationship I was still trying to be respectful to him for the sake of our children. We live relatively closely still, only 5 miles away and I didn't want him to be hurt ( or angry) if he found out via gossip. What you've said and reading what I've written makes me realise I am oversharing with him and trying to protect him too much. He didn't respect me.

OP posts:

Original poster

noexperiencenecessary · 27/12/2017 13:51

Thank you for the replies. I should trust my instincts more I think.

OP posts:

iamafraidofvirginiawolves3cats · 27/12/2017 14:04

Always trust your instincts. They are what helped you move from him in the first place. Never agree to discuss your private business with him. Kids only and always, no cosy cups of tea and tete a tetes. Give him an inch.....

LazyDailyMailJournos · 27/12/2017 18:05

I guess I thought that by being honest about the new relationship I was still trying to be respectful to him for the sake of our children.

No, no, no. You owe him NOTHING as long as you are polite and civil and make sure the kids are available for contact at the agreed times. And that means you tell him nothing. You need to break out of this mindset of being "respectful" of him as this is part of the control. You are free, you are independent and you are no longer in a relationship with him. End of.

We live relatively closely still, only 5 miles away and I didn't want him to be hurt ( or angry) if he found out via gossip.

But how he feels or reacts to your relationship is up to him. You are not responsible for his feelings anymore. You are separated - he has no right to any information about your personal life, nor does he have the right to be hurt or angry. You aren't together any more and you've moved on. If he wants to be bitter about it then that's his prerogative - let him get on with it.

Rule of thumb: if the conversation isn't about contact with the kids then you don't need to be having it. Get those boundaries in place and pull back from him. If necessary change your number and keep the old one in a cheapy phone in a drawer and use it only to text him about the DC.

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