To not go on NYE road trip with inlaws?

[twiney]

I've just come back from 4 days away with family for Xmas.
It was great but also quite knackering because we were abroad so getting put and about a lot rather than doing the usual Xmas thing of naps, TV and food.

My DP's family want me to now go with them for another 4 days to celebrate NYE with one of their family members who lives on other side of country. DP doesnt want to go but feels obliged. He says no pressure but his family clearly want me to go.

WIBU to just not? I could do with just a few days to sleep and read before I go back to work, plus I dont want to leave my cats yet again.

WWYD?

Even 5 hours each way is doable. You don't need to stay for 4 days to recover from a 5 hour drive. (I write this as someone who did a 8 hour non-stop drive yesterday).

I actually think you have a DP problem. Why is he incapable of saying no to them? You seem to be focussed on blaming his sister because she keeps asking you to come but shouldn't HE be saying no full stop if he wants to spend the time alone with you?

Stay at home.

No no sounds like hell. I'd be tempted to send a sarcastic

"aww lol"

To any texts you now get

I agree, let the boyfriend deal with this. If I’ve made my mind up about something, I’d just get more annoyed and dig in my heels the more I was harassed about it. Painful. 5 hours both ways is a day wasted, IMO.

Stay at home. Don’t be guilted into it. Your DP should do the same!

You don't need to stay for 4 days to recover from a 5 hour drive. (I write this as someone who did a 8 hour non-stop drive yesterday).

Everyone is tired differently by driving, i find it really tiring and I def would want to stay for 2 days if I am spending the best part of 2 days driving.
How lucky for you that you aren't but your experience isn't universal.

Time to say you have d and v?!

Time for your dp to say neither are you are coming due to his sisters relentless badgering

Another one saying that your BF needs to tell his sister to back off. You don't want to go - end of.

Well i spoke to him about it and he said i dont have to do anything and to do what i like but that he felt obliged.

I know secretly he wants me to go though.

I texted his sister to say i feel really guilty and got no response when shes normally straight on it.

I just feel confused and frustrated by a situation that should have been really straight forward (go and have a family nye, I'm staying here).

Part of me now thinks fuck it, I'll just go, but i dont want to set a precedent.

Don't go!

How long have you been together?

I always think Christmas is more a family thing and NYE is friends/couple thing. So I am surprised they are so insistent you see them at NYE.

Were they disappointed you didn't see them at Christmas?

What response do you want from saying you feel guilty!

@Katisha
Reassurance that it's actually not a big deal?

To the sister, it is a big deal though. She’ll be happy you feel guilty as it might sway you to come.
You actually have no reason to feel guilty. Stick to what you want to do.

If you go then you’re teaching them the ‘price’ of getting you to do something is 3 asks.
Spend NYE eve with us! No! please! No! Please! No! Oh ok! It’s what children do when they don’t get the answer they want.
You may well feel rude/guilty - they don’t. Why are their wants more important that yours?
I’d be running for the hills OP. Most grown up children can say no to their parents with minimal issue. My parents would be disappointed sure, but like yours with your brother’s gf would understand that it’s really no big deal. Plus you’ll feel resentful the whole time if you do go.
The sister isn’t replying because you’re not doing what she wants you to do. It’s manipulative and it’s working. She’s not a good person.
Good luck and I hope you spend NYE as you want to.

It's not going to be a secret celebration for something? I have heard of someone arranging a NYE party that turned out to be their wedding.

"Part of me now thinks fuck it, I'll just go, but i dont want to set a precedent"

What?!!! Why are you now considering it? They are grinding you down at it's working. Just stick to your decision. Why on earth did you reply again and say you feel guilty?

To be honest op I'd be worried about your partner in all this. Are you going to spend every celebration apart because your partner can't say no to his family? You are right to be worried that it will set a precedent.

You're angry because they're really keen to spend time with you and include you in their family? Its only 3 days and clearly means the world to them and their relationship with you will mean a lot to your partner. I think you are being VERY unreasonable to miss it because you're 'tired' from a Christmas holiday.

@OliviaBenson and @Haveyoutriedturningitoffandon thanks for your replies, you've clearly outlined what the bigger part of me is feeling!
But then the smaller part is feeling as @Lucylululu describes.

The thing is we're self employed with massive expenses coming up, so we probably won't take any more days off until September now. I do feel resentful to be forced into using time off with him that way - especially since we live local to his family who he sees every day, and he's yet to meet my parents. If I'd known him taking 3 days was a possibility, I would have suggested we spend Xmas with our own families, as we did anyway, and then that he come and meet mine for NYE. But I had thought NYE was something you do with a partner.

Anyway, whatever happens I now feel like shit.

Stop feeling guilty, because that's what they want. They're trying to force you into doing something you clearly don't want to do. I work from home too and three days away (with a 10-hour round trip) after Xmas already spent abroad is a big (and expensive) ask. I wouldn't do it. If they only live round the corner normally, why not suggest a family dinner for sometime in Jan, if they're that intent on seeing you? Bet they say no though. Seriously, stick to your guns because if the emotional manipulation is like this now, what will be like when you marry and have kids?!

Your DH should tell them to do one. Presumably he is only just back home! Or tell them you will all go on the condition he spends next Christmas with you and your family as you would like to see each other over the Christmas period

This is a classic "You don't have an ILs problem, you have a DH problem".

I can understand their behaviour, because my family would do just that, too. It's out of a genuine desire to include all DPs, to ensure they know they're all welcome, that these are not token invitations. However, my DP can find my family's closeness overwhelming, so we agree together whether and how to attend events. I can easily see your sort of situation happening to us, except it wouldn't, because neither of us would agree to going on the long trip! We would have done one or the other - either Christmas together with one family and NYE together with the other, or one festival split and the other together at home.

Your DO 'feels obliged to go'. Your DO needs to man up and decide which is more important to him - his family or his DO.

@NeverUseThisName
I agree, I also find it lame of him. But I dont come from a family where saying no to a NYE invite would ever be a problem. I dont like that I guess this means Im not the priority though. Which I guess it does?

What happened OP?