Please or to access all these features

Add post

Watch this thread

Save thread

Start a new thread

Flip thread

Hide thread

My feed

Active Unanswered threads

Getting started FAQ's

Unanswered threads Acronyms Talk guidelines

Hide shortcut buttons

Talk

AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Flip

1 2

Original poster

To leave my 3 month old to cry?

41 replies

MardyMarie · 26/12/2017 22:01

Rather than carting him around?

Tonight my friend was round at bedtime for my DC. Usually I settle baby to sleep before putting the others to bed but he had been woken by the neighbours dog. Rather than spend another 20-30 mins settling him and the older ones being over tired and upset, I figured I'd put him down and could then have them all in bed in under ten minutes and then be ready to tend to baby for the rest of the night.

Afterwards, my friend asked me if I often leave baby crying to deal with the older ones. I said it would have taken me twice as long doing everything one-handed and that him being in their face crying would stress them out and cause them to be upset. She said that at least baby would feel comforted by being held, even if it meant having to cry for longer

What do you think?

OP posts:

Merryoldgoat · 26/12/2017 23:22

I would not leave any baby to cry for 10 minutes, especially not one that little. Even those who advocate sleep training and CIO don't recommend it before 6 months.

I'd have held your child for you in that instance but if you knew he'd settle after being fed why not feed him, settle him and then do the other kids?

I won't lie, I think leaving babies to cry is awful and that obviously colours my response.

Original poster

MardyMarie · 26/12/2017 23:30

If I'd started trying to settle him first the likelihood would be that the other over tired children would be coming in and out, bickering, crashing around playing and prolonging the whole thing by disrupting him causing him to be upset for longer.

OP posts:

Notanotheruser111 · 26/12/2017 23:32

I have 3 and I would have done the same in fact I’m pretty sure I did do the same numerous times. I know with mine if I had stopped to feed the baby in those circumstances the other 2 would have been in and out asking questions / requests/ tears resulting in a baby that wouldn’t have fed properly and two other kids frustrated and me very stressed. You do the best you can at the time. FWIW my youngest seems ok and unharmed by my inability to tend to his needs immediately all of the time.

Notanotheruser111 · 26/12/2017 23:33

Btw your friend is a dick and next time just shove the baby at them and walk away

holidayparkquestion · 26/12/2017 23:35

I would think what your friend did.

I feel v uncomfortable the few times I've been in a friends house and a crying baby hasn't been responded too, but I'm polite and would nt say anything!!!

At 3 months they don't know you're ever coming back so we tended to have storylines with baby on my lap/feeding/cuddling.

Eatingwormswithwine · 26/12/2017 23:35

WHAT kind of friend comes over at kids bedtime, doesn’t help then criticises what you do? Answer: An arsehole one.

holidayparkquestion · 26/12/2017 23:36

And as I've had a baby would happily hold one for someone, but not sure I'd offer as would nt want to interfere.

Kpo58 · 26/12/2017 23:37

I would have done the same as you. Sometimes you need to leave them for a few minutes (otherwise how would single parents ever have the chance to have a quick shower or eat).

I'm sure if he sounded really distressed, you would have gone straight to him.

Original poster

MardyMarie · 26/12/2017 23:44

He was in the same room holiday, he could see us and knew he wasn't abandoned forever!

OP posts:

LouHotel · 27/12/2017 00:06

I think leaving a newborn (which a 3 month old is) to cry for 10 minutes is not something i would do or did. But you friend is increiably unreasonable to criticise without helping.

I had my second in a sling when really little whilst doing bed time routine with my then toddler. With the exception of bathtime it works a treat and might be something you want to look in to.

Original poster

MardyMarie · 27/12/2017 00:11

The way I saw it was:

A. He can cry for about 7 mins and the others are sorted and happy
B. He can cry for about 15 mins (whilst being carted around sorting the others) and the others are stressed and difficult to settle which could result in him having to cry for longer

OP posts:

SparkleFizz · 27/12/2017 00:36

It’s difficult sometimes when 2 or more DC need attention at once.

I have 3 DC (6, 4 and 1), and from experience, I know in this sort of situation, carting the baby around while doing the older DCs bedtime wouldn’t have worked for us. Baby might have been comforted by being held, unless in the sort of mood where only milk will do. But the older DC won’t settle if baby’s doing their bedtime with me. They’ve always been far more interested in trying to interact with baby than settling down to bedtime when we’ve tried that, or too unsettled by baby’s crying next to them to settle themselves into bed.

So in the situation OP describes - then yes, sometimes I would and did leave the baby to cry while I put the older DC to bed, if the older DC were too overtired to leave me to settle baby down. It’s clearly not ideal, but sometimes it’s the least worst choice.

And as for the friends criticism - I would be really irritated by a friend criticising me for leaving the baby to cry when the friend had refused to help out and hold the baby.

tiredandwornoutmumma · 27/12/2017 11:48

Your friend was BU to comment on your parenting.

But I couldn't leave a baby screaming that long, I don't agree with the "crying it out" and at that age (and indeed with 13 month old now) I would either settle children into bed for them to look at a toy or a book while they wait for me, or bring baby to listen to the story.

Yes the baby may have still cried even if you held them but a 3 month old has no idea if you are coming back and 10 minutes is a really long time to leave them distressed IMO

zeebeee · 27/12/2017 13:06

YABVU. Your friend is right. Babies that young cannot self soothe and you should hold your baby when it's crying. Personally I would just have put my baby is a sling so he was close and secure if I needed to deal with the other kids.

swingofthings · 27/12/2017 13:12

My best friend and i had that discussion a couple of weeks ago. She's the softy, I'm the stricter one (as in expecting them to do more for themselves). I was really surprised when she said that she had no issues leaving her children to cry, whereas I just couldn't emotionally do so. My heart would break and I just wouldn't have been able to get on with anything else hearing my babies crying. Maybe it was the type of cry (ie. distressed vs a gentle cry). Anyway, our eldest are 18 now, youngest both 14 and none of the children are traumatised one way or the other so really it was all about what was best for us mothers!

EatTheChocolateTeapot · 27/12/2017 13:25

YANBU, and it so much easier with help from partner, friends or family, you shouldn't be on your own doing everything, it's not meant to be like that. I am sure your baby will have been fine for a few minutes, you can't be eveywhere at once. This is not like cry it out which is what I think is not good for the child's development (but they still survive even then).

Flip

1 2