To try and help my adult DS and his DW sort out their difficulties or should I just leave well alone?

[theresnoonequitelikegrandma]

My 30 year old son has been married just 18 months (in this relationship for 8 years +) and over Christmas has told us that the marriage is over. No real reason apart from he has some new friends at work (including a younger woman who is apparently his new best friend) and they've been telling him he should be going out more and having fun whereas he and his DW (who is quite a home body) have been in a routine of staying in together. They are apart at the moment as she is spending Christmas with her family in another country but he is insistent that it is all over.

I am unbelievably sad. Although I want my children to be happy, I really can't believe he can just give up on his marriage so lightly and I just want him to try and work things out. I am worried that my feelings are coloured by the fact that my ExH walked out on me 20+ years ago in similar circumstances (I was not surprised when his 'friend from work' became his new wife) and to think of my lovely daughter in law going through what I did (although, thankfully without DC) is awful.

Is there anything I can do or should I just accept that he is an adult and support his decision (even though I don't think it's a very adult one!)

I don't think there is much you can do - if he has a new 'best friend' it has probably reached the point of no return.

I think you could point out the parallels with your situation and ask if they've had counselling/even properly talked about things. Does he WANT to be out partying or does he feel that he should because he's young and been told he should by this 'new friend'? Poor wife, I feel for her! He is behaving very immaturely!

I think you could make contact with her and let her know you're sorry for what's happened and are thinking of her at least. That's what I would do.

I think all you can do is be glad it happened before children came along TBH.

If he'd rather be partying with his new best friend and his wife knows that, it will be very hard for her to come back to a fully involved emotional, trusting relationship, even if he gets over himself.

Your son is having an affair - at least emotional, possibly physical. He’s already checked out of his relationship. All you can do is offer his wife the support she needs and encourage your son to be as decent as possible through the split.

I can understand how sad you must be but I don’t think there’s anything you can do that will help.

Not much you can do I’m afraid

It very much sounds like he’s on the verge of an affair at best, more likely that he’s already having one. The best thing he can do is leave his wife before starting a new relationship

Honestly I'd probably let him leave before the end up having kids. It's sad, I understand why you feel that way. But it'll be a million times harder once there is children involved

You should say absolutely nothing, not volunteer any opinion whatsoever unless asked for it.
He may not be sharing the full story with you and the relationship is between the two of them.

Believe me, I’ve told him exactly what my feelings are about his new ‘friend’ although I do actually believe that nothing physical has happened between them - I think he’s definitely having an EA which in my mind is far, far worse. I told him that you don’t even need to like someone to have sex with them, but you have to like someone very much to want them to be your best friend.

I am so disappointed that he has behaved like this after I thought I brought him up better than this.

Oh love, I'm sorry. I have a one year old son and I can imagine how sad I would feel.

Maybe he just genuinely doesn't love his wife? If he leaves her respectfully that's ok?

Can I give you a word of caution. Keep out of it as much as you can.

Someone close to me was in your position. Her son was engaged but dumped his fiancé for the “workmate”. My friend made her feelings known to both.

Her son has been married to workmate for over 15 years now. His wife is no angel and to be honest an utter bitch, she happily had affair with him at beginning. However he worships her and has gone no contact with his mother as she insisted. He is an only child and his mum has only met her grandchildren a handful of times. She was recently widowed and my heart breaks for her.

My son did something similar. They weren't married, but his girlfriend was expecting his baby. My husband said we should try to persuade him to stay, but my son had told me he no longer loved his girlfriend, but did love the other woman. So I pointed out that it was son's life, he had to make his own mistakes, and his girlfriend would be better off in the long run, rather than being in a relationship with someone who didn't love her and would most likely still carry on with the other woman.

And she is! She met a man who adores her and my granddaughter. They're engaged to be married next year, and she's just given birth to a little boy. I'm so happy for her!

My son, on the other hand, had a turbulent relationship with the OW, who hurt him many times. Despite me advising him (every time he came to me in tears) that they were not good together (I was wary of saying anything horrible about her, because I knew they'd get back together again) and he should call it a day. It took him a few years before he finally had enough. I'm just glad he saw sense in the end.

So, you shouldn't try to get him to stay with his wife, it wouldn't be fair on her. She will heal, and then she can find a man who truly loves her.

New female "best friend"
Wants to call time on his (so far) happy marriage/relationship.

I think perhaps the apple didn't fall far from the tree, tbh (I was not surprised when his 'friend from work' became his new wife)

I'm sorry this must be so hard for you.

Normally, I am a total busy body and want to give advice but in this situation I would stay out. Offer a supportive shoulder to his wife. Listen to your son. Only give advice if he asks you.

It's sad but relationships do not always work out and no matter if he is behaving foolishly, he is your son, an adult, and must make his own choices.

Pretty obvious he's having an affair or wants to, and is spinning you this "DW is boring" excuse to save face. But, what can you do? I don't blame you for feeling sad. I guess you could write to dw and just say that you are sad about this, and wish her the best.

Sounds like DIL might be better off without him.
Don't interfere. Sometimes people just move onto marriage after a long relationship where it isn't really the best thing, this happened in our family.
Once it is formally agreed to divorce I would send a nice letter to DIL saying how much you liked her, assuming you did, and that you are very sad that the marriage has ended.

I think you should talk to him. It doesn't have to be trying to persuade him one way or another, but surely talking is always helpful and may give you a different perspective - or not! But if it was my son I would want to talk things through. IMO talking is not the same as interfering.

Leave well alone!

If thy had dc I might be saying differently, but it doesn't sound like they are very compatible, so sooner or later it was going to come to a head. They married relatively young and perhaps if they'd waited to marry they've have split up a long time ago.

He's only 30, he's got lots of time to meet someone who suits him better. It might be this friend, it might be he dates for a while before settling down again.

Stand back and just let him get on with it. It'll probably get a lot messier before better, but best admit you've made a mistake prior to having dcs than either being miserable or splitting up a family later on.

As has been pointed out if you ‘re too critical of your son, he’ll distance himself from you, and to be fair to him, it’s often said on this forum everyone is entitled to end a marriage and that is all he is doing

I was going to say stay out of it. And by and large I still think that.

But you should certainly tell him what a miserable manchild he is, and in due course, tell her how sorry you are that your son behaved like such a twat.

I wouldn't be believing the nothing has happened thing either. It's the kneejerk response of the caught out.

Sorry misread that he'd been married for 8 years!!!

Could well be he just got married as the next step without thinking if he actually wanted to spend his life with this person and in the way she wanted to live.

My cousin nearly drifted into a bad marriage, he'd been dating a lovely girl since his late teens, they'd bought a house together and were planning a wedding, both late 20's by then. In the middle of a conversation about invite styles, he blurted out he didn't want to marry her. Broke my aunts heart as she adored his DP.

10 years on and he's married to someone else, living in Spain having travelled and worked across Europe for a few years.

Takes a lot of courage to admit you made a mistake of that magnitude.

Leave well alone

They got together young.... people change a lot between 22 and 30. I got married at 24 to a man I’d been with since 18. Divorced at 26 basically because we were just completely bored of Eachother and had both changed lots. We’re both happy now and remarried (still friends as in our case we have a child)

It’s probably for the best tbh as sad is it might feel. and luckily they have no dc

The new girlfriend could be the right one for your son. And his stbxw will find someone who truly loves her and deserves her