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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

To have let my Dad drive after drinking?

34 replies

RatherBeCrazy · 26/12/2017 18:36

Will try to keep this brief. My Dad is an alcoholic. Goes through phases of admitting he is and deciding he's not. He's recently declared that he's not and he has the odd drink now and again. We don't live near so can only take his word for it, but his recent deterioration in health (and history) suggests otherwise. We invited him and my brother to stay for Christmas. They arrived Christmas Eve and left today. When he arrived I snuck upstairs and searched his bag and found 5 squash bottles of whiskey (possibly with some watering down). I said nothing but checked periodically and it all went, including today which is the day he was due to drive home. I confronted him this morning and made him stay an extra few hours. He gave lots of excuses - it was really weak, he only had a little this morning etc. They got home safely but I don't know what to do now. The fact that he did it today, whilst staying with us, makes me sure he does it at home all the time. He drives my brother regularly. Should I tell my Mum (they're separated and have joint custody). Thanks for reading.

OP posts:
FruitCider · 26/12/2017 19:43

Have you notified the DVLA**

Pointless.

It isn’t. They take great interest when they are informed someone with an alcohol addiction has a driving license. I know from experience...

Straycatblue · 26/12/2017 19:49

In answer to your post, yes you were being unreasonable letting him drive your autistic brother when you knew he had been drinking. The possibility of your brother being upset coping with being in a police station due to his autism should not have deterred you from calling the police, the possible alternative of your brother being a crash should have taken priority.

However, hindsight is a marvellous thing and its always difficult to know what to do or think clearly and objectively when you are suddenly placed in a situation where family members are involved and relationships will likely be changed forever, ie you dad may not ever speak to you again.

Consider it a learning curve, you will be better prepared and know what to do next time they stay in order to protect your brother and other road users.

As to what to do about him probably driving your brother around regularly on a daily basis whilst drunk , your brother is a vunerable adult, get social services involved asap. If you want it to stop sooner you could also wait for them to leave the house when you know he has been drinking and phone the police when he gets in the car. It may sound horribly contrived and your father will probably consider malicious but you have a responsibility to save your brother from a possible accident/death.

HopeClearwater · 26/12/2017 19:56

It isn’t. They take great interest when they are informed someone with an alcohol addiction has a driving license. I know from experience

This hasn’t been mine, but I’m very pleased to hear that things have changed.

RatherBeCrazy · 26/12/2017 20:03

Ok so I definitely need to tell my mum, which will hopefully mean he won't be allowed to drive my brother anywhere when he's in his custody. As for reporting him, as I said we don't live anywhere near so I have no idea as to when he gets in his car. Do I hope that the restrictions to his care of my brother is enough to shock him into stopping? Is it possible to report to police that he's a likely candidate for drink driving without knowing when? I don't know his number plate. He's retired so doesn't drive to work at routine times for example.

OP posts:
Wolfiefan · 26/12/2017 20:07

You should have called the police when he left your place.

RatherBeCrazy · 26/12/2017 20:12

Yes we've established that wolfie thanks

OP posts:
Straycatblue · 26/12/2017 20:14

Ok so I definitely need to tell my mum, which will hopefully mean he won't be allowed to drive my brother anywhere when he's in his custody.

Don't just tell your mum, this has gone beyond telling on him, you are an adult, report him to social services, your brother is a vulnerable adult who's life is at risk.

As for reporting him, as I said we don't live anywhere near so I have no idea as to when he gets in his car. Do I hope that the restrictions to his care of my brother is enough to shock him into stopping?

Very unlikely. Your dad already knows that what he is doing is dangerous, what makes you think he will suddenly stop.? He is risking his own, your brothers and other road users lives regularly and doesnt care. (I dont say that unkindly, Im trying to get you to see he is not going to magically stop, it will only escalate as it has already, you yourself said you never thought he would do such a thing.)

Is it possible to report to police that he's a likely candidate for drink driving without knowing when? I don't know his number plate. He's retired so doesn't drive to work at routine times for example.

Report him to the police anyway and the DVLA, pull out all the stops to try and protect your brother, Doesnt matter if you don;t know his number plate, you know his address and date of birth presumably?

I understand you are facing difficult choices and you love your dad but please know that and I say this from first hand experience, lives most definitely are at risk because of his addiction.

Mrsmadevans · 26/12/2017 20:18

He's an adult. It is not your responsibility OP.

Tistheseason17 · 26/12/2017 20:50

As someone who will be in a wheelchair by mid 60s due to a suspected drink driver (not caught) driving the wrong way down a duel carriageway... you need to notify police.

I was lucky. The person you Dad could hit may not be so lucky. Your brother could be the casualty.

You really don't want that on your conscience.

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