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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To not want to feel like DP is afraid of me?

16 replies

Hauntedhouseflavour · 26/12/2017 18:32

For the past six months I've been dating the nicest, sweetest guy but I constantly feel like maybe he's holding back a bit with me sometimes in fear of upsetting or offending me. I'm not an easy person to offend or upset and I'm very non confrontational so I have no idea why he's like this with me. Sometimes he'll say something pretty ordinary and before I get a chance to respond he'll look worried and say something like "oh I've made it awkward now haven't I" when of course he hasn't at all, or I'll ask him a pretty ordinary question ect and he'll get worried again and say he doesn't want to say the wrong thing. It's just little things like that.
I honestly feel like I have all the 'power' in this relationship and it's not very fair. I feel like I could treat him like complete shit and he would just put up with it, of course I would never do that but that's really not a healthy thing to feel and it makes me worried that if I ever do something that he has a problem with or unintentionally upset him he'll be too scared to come to me and talk about it.
I also have a pretty playful personality and enjoy light-hearted back and forth teasing with people I'm close to, I've been holding back a lot with him once I realised he would never give it back to me.
I'm planing on bringing this up with him when I next see him, but I feel like it's just going to be met with him apologising, is there hope that this will get better in time?

OP posts:

HariboForBreakfast · 26/12/2017 18:40

It sounds like he wants you guessing and apologising for something that you haven't done. Keeping you on your toes as it were.

I hope that I'm wrong.

velouria · 26/12/2017 18:43

That sounds a bit like hard work, but maybe just needs time for him to come out of his shell. I had an ex who whenever he said anything slightly contentious or risky, would for some reason nibble my shoulder . I loved it, made me giggle each time. (Turned out he was a twunt of the highest order who was projecting a whole personality, but what can one do)

sonjadog · 26/12/2017 18:44

He might be worried if he relaxes, he’ll end up hurt again. Have a chat about it and see if he can open up about why he is this way. It might change the better you know each other.

Vitalogy · 26/12/2017 18:46

Sounds like he can't let go and be himself. Yes, bring it up with him, clear the air or it'll just fester.

formerbabe · 26/12/2017 18:46

I honestly feel like I have all the 'power' in this relationship

Doesn't sound like it to me. In fact, it sounds the complete opposite.

vitaminC · 26/12/2017 18:49

Actually, my dh was like this at the start of our relationship. He had quite a traumatic childhood and is definitely a people pleaser.

Also, it emerged that his previous relationship was abusive (he lived with an extreme narcissist who he was terrified of upsetting).

He was so used to walking on eggshells that it took around 18 months of counselling (and lots of reassurance from me) before he managed to let his guard down and relax.

We've been married 5 years now and he's a completely different guy who is finally happy in his own skin, and the most caring, loving partner I could ever hope for, so yes, there definitely is hope for your relationship, but it will undoubtedly take time and a fair amount of patience!

Vitalogy · 26/12/2017 18:52

Has he spoke much about his past OP?

Original poster

Hauntedhouseflavour · 26/12/2017 18:59

I mean I feel like I have all the power because it seems like he's constantly seeking my approval

He's relatively inexperienced in terms of relationships

OP posts:

Fatso1978 · 26/12/2017 19:05

I think you two are incompatible. If you can't be your jokey self and have to be so careful around him, what hard work. You'll eventually wear yourself out and have to change so much. Blah.

Straycatblue · 26/12/2017 19:16

My friend was like this but it was because she was very insecure and had been emotionally abused in the past.

It doesnt sound like you are compatible if it is not improving and as such is making you more annoyed and uncomfortable.

SandyY2K · 26/12/2017 19:19

His inexperience is probably the issue...and I know what you mean about having all the power.

I was in a relationship like that once.

Fishfingersandwichnocheese · 26/12/2017 19:21

Have you tried asking/saying “No ofcourse not why would you think that ?”

velouria · 26/12/2017 19:24

Actually, just be wary, the most innocuous of people can be hiding some very surprising things.

Original poster

Hauntedhouseflavour · 26/12/2017 19:27

I always call him out on it when he seems like he's worried and he usually just apologises, even when I tell him he doesn't need to apologise. I know he finds it difficult to read people which we've already discussed but I don't know how to be more clear than I already am or how to make him feel less worried. He already admits that he's probably 'too nice'

OP posts:

Fishfingersandwichnocheese · 26/12/2017 19:28

Does he ever elaborate on why he might think that ?

Straycatblue · 26/12/2017 19:35

but I don't know how to be more clear than I already am or how to make him feel less worried. He already admits that he's probably 'too nice'

What I was trying to say above, albeit probably with not enough explanation, was that 6 months into the relationship, you arent enjoying it, you are having to "teach" him how to behave due to his inexperience, whilst some people might be happy to to do this, it can be tiresome and makes you the "boss/teacher" when you probably and rightly so want an equal in the relationship.

It sounds like he needs to go and develop his own character and growth in relationships and thats not a slight on you or on him. Thats what I meant by you both not being compatible despite liking each other. Liking each other isnt always enough.
It already doesnt sound like a healthy relationship as he is so worried and sooner or later you will start to resent him for it and you will be the one walking on eggshells because you will be worried you will trigger his worries making it even more unhealthy.

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